[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Fast and the Furious (2001): Breakdown by Rantbo Undercover douche-bag cop bonds with criminal douche-bags over shiny douche-mobiles. [THE EXECUTION] I’ll start by saying this really isn’t my type of action. I really don’t give a shit about cars and have little to no interest in watching a bunch of jag-offs drive … Read moreThe Fast and the Bi-Curious
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Police Story: Part II a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si juk jaap (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo Jackie Chan is still a cop, is still fighting Hong Kong crime. [THE EXECUTION] The film opens with Chan being stripped of his Inspector’s badge, forced back into a uniform and assigned to direct traffic. That’s what you … Read morePolice Story: Part II: Jungle Gyms and Fireworks
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Bronx Executioner a.k.a. Il giustiziere del Bronx (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~ [THE EXECUTION] The “film” is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn’t take place in the … Read moreBronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Butcher (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo Aging mob enforcer is forced out to pasture. Takes the rest of the herd with him. [THE EXECUTION] Much like Eric Roberts, Merle ‘The Butcher’ is an aging all-but-forgotten badass on the verge of forced retirement. A one-time prize-fighter and current mob enforcer, Merle is counting the … Read moreThe Butcher: I’ll Take A 95min Uncut Chunk Of Raw Action Meat, Please.
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo Indiana fights Chinese gangsters, becomes a zombie, whips some cult ass and saves a large group of malnourished children from manual labor. [THE EXECUTION] Shanghai, 1935 and in a classic Bondian fashion, Indiana Jones is finishing up a un-filmed mission in China. … Read moreThe Old Indiana Jones Adventures: Part One
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Big Brawl a.k.a. Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Breakdown by Kain424 In an alternate 1930s America, where Chinese men can become wealthy doctors and date Caucasian women without it causing a stir, Jackie Chan must enter a fighting tournament to win back his brother’s kidnapped mail-order wife. Also, there’s a roller derby for … Read moreBattle Creek Bore
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Spider-Man (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes a lucrative franchise. [THE EXECUTION] I’d like to think that most people reading this would at least be familiar with the story of Spider-Man’s origin, which is … Read moreSpider-Man: Issue #1: Monologues And Origins
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Scarface (1983): Breakdown by Kain424 Cuban refugee kills his way to the top of the cocaine world but remains an annoying moron throughout. Carnage and unintentional hilarity ensue. [THE EXECUTION] Scarface is a movie that bounces back and forth between being immensely entertaining and terribly boring. The film is essentially about rising to … Read moreScowlface
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Road House 2 (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo ROAD HOUSE, but set in Louisiana instead of Missouri, featuring drug dealers instead of extortionists and with one of the Buseys instead of Swayze. [THE EXECUTION] From the moment the title is revealed, you know you are in for 86 minutes of pure class and sophisticated … Read moreRoad House 2: It’s Last Call To Be Nice And Take It Outside
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Road House (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo WALKING TALL, but with a bunch more knife fights, dick punches and gratuitous female nudity. And instead of the good guys trying to put the bad guy’s bar out of business, it’s the other way around. [THE EXECUTION] From the moment the title is revealed, you know … Read moreRoad House: Business In The Front, Party In The Back