The Fast and the Bi-Curious


The Fast and the Furious (2001): Breakdown by Rantbo

Undercover douche-bag cop bonds with criminal douche-bags over shiny douche-mobiles.


I’ll start by saying this really isn’t my type of action. I really don’t give a shit about cars and have little to no interest in watching a bunch of jag-offs drive around fast in them. However, I do get a kick out of shitty over-hyped B-Action movies. Thus this breakdown.

I first watched this one in the theater, and at the time I was much more forgiving and just simply dismissed the film as mediocre crap. Then after I found out how many people loved it, pathetic rebel that I am, I began to hate it. AND THEN, I got really into action flicks in my twenties and have since come to enjoy this picture for the campy dumbass popcorn chomping piece of shit that it is. And I almost half-way enjoy it now.

The film follows a teen-beat undercover cop as he infiltrates the dangerous and sexy world of underground drag racing. He does this because teenagers like seeing slutty women and hearing rap-rock music in their movies. AND because the character is trying to discover the identities of a team of asshat merchandise thieves, whose M.O. is ripping off 18-wheeler cargo at 80 miles an hour. Which allows for plenty top-of-the-line electronic product placement, I might add. He finds them 5 minutes into the movie, but then spends the rest of it in denial as he loves them all too much to see that they are evil douchie scum.

In short, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is simply a bad knock-off to an already mediocre movie—POINT BREAK. When I saw TFATF, I haddn’t yet seen P-BREAK and it wasn’t until a couple years later that my amigo Kain pointed this out to me. And he was right. After watching both, it becomes embarrassingly apparent.

You’ve got the new hot-shot pretty-boy California cop, who befriends a bunch of adrenaline junkies, that he meets through a girl-who works at a diner. He becomes a confidant, enters their inner circle, gathers evidence, shows up to bust them during their only failed robbery attempt and in the end, lets the leader go out of much bro-love. Like, Holy Shit! Who did the filmmakers think they were fooling? All they did was exchange surfing for driving and banks for trucks. That’s it. Well—they also traded the violence, swearing, foot-chase, presidential masks and meatball sandwiches for a fist fight, ebonics, driving in a straight line, ninja hoods and tuna-fish on wheat. All of which strikes against it. Plus, Paul Walker is no Keanu and Diesel no Swayze.

But, again, I’m not a car guy, so I think it would be unfair of me to judge too harshly. This film is bearable, but make no mistake, I’d rather watch POINT BREAK any day of the week. Not only is it a better, R rated version of the same story, it also has Gary Busy . And you can’t beat that with a lubed-up tire-iron.


Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner a.k.a. Snow Man

Paul Walker is to action as Sylvester Stallone is to comedy. While it may work out in a fluke (RUNNING SCARED, and OSCAR, respectably), he has no business in the genre. At least not at this juncture. He does pull off some ballsy stunts late in the film, or rather his stunt man does… But in the end, Paul Walker is just as mediocre and bland as the movie he is headlining. Maybe next time, Bri-Guy.


For an action movie, this is as tame as the PG-13 rating will allow before becoming straight-up Disney. The body count is practically nil and the 2 deaths you do see are airable for network television sans cuts, but again, this really isn’t that type of movie. This is one of those “TOP GUN” type action flicks where, even though there isn’t much action at all, you always find it in that section at video stores, ‘cuz where the Hell else are you going to put it?


Brian vs. Vince The Alpha Douche

Whacho Whacho Whacho BACK! Whacho Back Whacho Back!

Even though this fight is lamer than most seen in real life (on elementary school playgrounds), I still have to choose it as my pick, as—well, frankly there aren’t that many options. Plus, this faux-macho alpha-male bullshit is hilarious when it’s supposed to be taken so seriously.


“No one likes the tuna here!”

This new-wave late-nineties machismo is just as gay as the 80s, but twice as annoying due the culture surrounding it. And aside from Diesel, it’s less than half as buff. However, they do try twice as hard to appear as though they love the pussy. Which comes crashing down like a waterfall of jizz with all the sweat, leather, snake-skin, mesh-shirts and jewelry, worn by the men. They aren’t fooling anybody, least alone the women, who are forced to go gay themselves out of their would-be male partner’s negligence.

There isn’t really any overtly homosexual scenes, but Vinny-D does spend a ton of the film (as does his crew), sweating in muscle shirts and drinking bottled brew. In fact, there are some instances I could swear came straight out of the Schmitt’s Gay Beer commercial.


The women of The Fast and The Furious are pretty much half-naked hood-ornaments for the shiny douche-mobiles that hover around every scene like a swarm of west Nile mosquitoes. At one point, Diesel even asks (tells) his girlfriend she is his trophy. Yes, just another pretty object to be admired, shown-off and then placed on a mantle to be ignored and then forgotten. Also, the ladies in this picture need two hairdos to pull off the slut-suits they shuffle around in so proudly. I doubt you could even make a wash-towel if you stitched together all the combined ‘clothing’ of said race-groupies. Where are their parents!? It’s all very sad.


I figured going into this that I would end up picking the Charger’s horrific demise and I was right.

Something so pretty getting trashed for cheap thrills is a staple of action cinema, and it’s one of the rare instances this movie bothers to try being one.

As for the one liner, the only one I could think of before re-watching this crap was the “Quarter Mile” line that Diesel repeats a couple times, but then I had forgotten about this gem…

When threatened with the thought of some other dog (dog being, Brian) coming to his restaurant and pissing on his tree (tree being, Jordana Brewster and her sweet, sweet ass), Alpha Douche lets loose the following:

“Try ‘Fat Burger’ from now on—you can getcho self a double-cheese with fries for two ninety-five—Faggot.”

Said with a straight face, this line is epic. The added pause and “Faggot”  REALLY sells it. He might as well have said, “… Oh! And another thing—You’re A GAY!” I can’t help but laugh, especially since it’s coming from the guy that wears a mesh tank-top, sports a cho-mo stash and is never seen without a queer leather arm-band strapped above his well manicured hand.


“It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning.“ And if given the opportunity, I would eat 3 square meals a day out of Jordana Brewster’s ass crack.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Rick Yune]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[2 Fast 2 Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

“He’s got nitrous-oxide in his blood and a gas-tank for a brain.”

And another man’s hand on his stick-shift. HONK! HONK!