Hello. My name is Rant.
I love the actor Nicolas Cage.
I UN-apologetically admit this without any sense of sarcasm or irony.
And even though it is entirely unnecessary to further explain myself–here are 10 reasons why…
Why? Because the only thing better than being Nic Cage, seeing Nic Cage or seeing yourself be Nic Cage (I can only assume), is talking about–Nic Cage. Strap in.
“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.” ~ Nic Cage
10. His Name Is Nic Cage
Born Nicolas Coppola, Cage changed his name in the ’80s to avoid favoritism within the movie biz. He knew if it became common knowledge that he was the nephew of The Godfather‘s head honcho and Rocky Balboa’s honeypie, coupled with his own natural charisma and talent, it would be too much awesome for an average (read: Non-Nic Cage) person to handle. So Nicolas took the stage-name of Cage after super-hero, Luke ‘Power Man’ Cage–A thuggish, streetwise ’70s soul-brother badass with impervious skin and enhanced physical strength, who solved crimes and saved the fuckin’ days. “Sweet Christmas!”
A little too obvious and fitting of a choice for Nic, you say? Well, you see, Cage knew that if he had not upgraded his name, the surname of Coppola would have grown too strong and eventually eclipsed and overshadowed every other entertainer in the film industry–and Cage was/is far too generous and caring a soul to allow other, weaker families to die-out (rightfully so, or not), without a chance to make something even half as good as his own kith and kin. However, even The Cage could not have predicted the devastation of his Uncle’s career after he abandoned the family name. But, you can’t make a Face/Off, without breaking a few Godfather III‘s… Sorry, Francis. And your welcome Coens, Baldwins, Arquettes, Cassavetes, Fannings, Culkins, Cusacks, Estevez/Sheens and a hundred other showbiz dynasties that owe your careers to Cage selflessly knocking down the Coppola name.
9. The Cage Can Sing AND Kick Your Ass
That’s right, The Cage does his own singing. And guess what? Yup! He’s better than a Sinatra-Presley butt-baby. Don’t believe me? Kill yourself. But before you do, check out Wild At Heart and you can thank The Cage for giving you something Heavenly to remember on your way to Hell you skeptical heathen fuck, you. And, unlike some other thespian Gods like Bruce Willis who shall remain nameless, Cage never indulged his natural crooner skills by releasing a shitty album of blues covers. You’re welcome. But even if he did, it’d be fucking awesome. But what the fuck would Nic Cage need with a shitload of Grammys? He already has an Oscar, and that’s worth at least a million nonfunctional gramophones.
And you know something else? Not only could The Cage ruin you from ever being able to enjoy any other vocalist, he could also ruin you from living without a bag-stapled to your hip to collect your shit when it sprays out your new asshole he just ripped for you.
Q. You ever watch Ultimate Fighting Championship?
Sure you have. ‘Cuz if you’re reading this, you’re a man. So you’re familiar with the name Mixed-Martial Arts God Royce Gracie. Well, guess who trained The Cage to be a master of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? You guessed right. Which means The Cage has, not only a license to fuck-you-up–but a duty. But don’t worry, he won’t. Because he’s not about to get your blood all over his thousand dollar suit. Can you blame him? Rhetorical–you can’t, because he’d kill you. “Hi-Fucking-Ya!”
8. The Cage Brings Sexy Back–To Ugly
Men want to be him, women want to fuck his brains out–and so do most of the men. At least the one’s who are manly enough to admit it do. And you know why? Animal magnetism. Meaning women and men alike are drawn to his Cock like a Magnet. And with enough A&M, you too could look like a horse and fuck like a stallion. Just like The Cage. How else could you explain a sex roster that includes both Patricia Arquette and Lisa Marie Presley? Yeah, Alabama AND Elvis’s brood–that’s Animal Magnetism, baby!
Not to mention the slew of gorgeous women that Nic has believably “Caged” on-screen: Kathleen Turner, Holly Hunter, Cher, Sean Young, Erika Anderson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Bridget Fonda, Elisabeth Shue, Vanessa Marcil, Monica Potter, Gina Gershon, Angelina Jolie, Téa Leoni, Penélope Cruz, Bridget Moynahan, Eva Mendes, Jessica Biel, Diane Kruger, Rose Byrne and that Big-Tittied Waitress from Drive Angry–to name a few. Oh, and just to clarify, that ‘horse’ comment above was directed at Sarah Jessica Parker and not The Cage. Who is an Adonis.
7. The Cage Doesn’t Give A Fuck
Case in point: his hair. I can’t tell you how many haters (read: jealous fags) make fun of The Cage for being apathetic to the fact that he’s been going bald for the past 20 years or so. Because taking life like a man is apparently frowned upon by trolls. Personally, I can’t wait till my own androgenic alopecia takes away the center part of my man salad so I can get down to bizzness like the ballsy heroes Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Ed Harrless, Woody Harrelson and Sigourney Weaver. Oh, and Nic Fuckin’ Cage. What was I talking about? Right, The Cage’s frock. How dare anyone make fun of a guy for being unique and cool enough to not give a fuck? Not giving a fuck is rad. Just look at Nic Cage! I rest my case.
6. The Cage Puts Asses In Seats
Guess who’s films have grossed over a billion dollars? You’re Fuckin-A right, Nic Cage. And with that much cheddar being sucked from the back pockets of satisfied film goers, it takes a real man to be willing to throwback his hard-earned paychecks into the entertained, yet broken economy. And what’s more relaxing to the average American’s financially crippled brain than sitting in a theater escaping everyday plight with the latest Nic Cage feature? And by relaxing, I mean fucking awesome. Answer: knowing that The Cage is out there spending the check I just helped write with my ticket on the coolest shit imaginable: Comicbooks. Pyramid tombs. Privates Islands (yes, Islands was plural), a $300k Lamborghini that was confiscated from the Shah of Iran–that he keeps in his massive garage–that’s attached to his FUCKING CASTLE–which surrounds a $276,000 dinosaur skull that he bought on a fucking whim! God dammit, that’s great!
5. The Cage Won An Oscar For Drinking And Fucking A Hooker For 2 Hours
Seriously. Watch Leaving Las Vegas–that’s all he does. It’s the whole god damned movie. He doesn’t even bother to fucking leave like the title of the film promises. The Cage said, “Fuck that, I’m going to stick around and do a belly-shot off of Elizabeth Shue’s abs and fake-fuck some more and maybe my movie-cocksock will slip off and I’ll have inadvertently fathered another child whom when they reach the proper age will be able to polish the Academy Award I’m going to win for my Adventure In The Babysitter and chugging booze…” True story. DON’T DISPUTE ME.
4. The Cage Disgusts Women–Is Awesome.
You know how you can tell when a man is fucking awesome? Women can’t stand them.
Example 1: You know that scene in The Magnificent Seven when Steve McQueen and that other guy are driving the hearse/wagon to the graveyard and a bunch of awesome shit happens? Sure you do. But do you know why? Rhetorical. I’ll tell you: Steve McQueen. Watch it again and you’ll realize you’re not even watching the movie–you’re watching Steve McQueen getting your attention. He’s so good at it, you don’t even realize that that other guy is supposed to be the main character. Christ, he’s even bald and I don’t care to remember what his name is thanks to Steve!
Example 2: Nic Cage.
What does any of that have to do with pissing off women, you ask? Well, it’s simple math: Guys who are awesome command your attention and if it’s one thing women can’t stand, it’s a man who commands other men’s attention through his awesomeness. And that, gentlemen, is fucking awesome.
And this is also why certain men can’t stand Nic Cage. You know the type: Pussies. Show me a man who doesn’t like Nic Cage, and I’ll show you a woman wearing a side-ways baseball hat.
Here is an experiment you can do next time you think you may be in the presence of a pussified man, ask him what he thinks of Nic Cage and if he starts to talk about The Cage’s hair as a negative–you’ve got yourself a bitch in douche clothing. Halt all conversation with that thing and commence with finding someone who doesn’t hate his own kind.
3. The Cage Is Cooler Than Paul Newman, Steve McQueen AND Woody Harrelson and Sigourney Weaver–Combined
Here, watch this…
[flashvideo filename=videos/CageOff.avi.FLV /]
No one has ever–EVER–looked more awesome than that. And all he did was climb out of a fucking car. Can you imagine what he would have looked like with a gun in his hand or a cigarette in his mouth? No you fucking can’t, because your head would explode.
Now watch it again, why? Because you can, you lucky fuck.
2. The Cage Makes Shitty Movies Awesome
ec·cen·tric /ik’sentrik/
Adjective: Unconventional and slightly strange
Noun: Nic Cage
Synonyms: Awesome
Eccentric Men = Entertaining in much the same way that Women = Annoying, Children = Creepy x Annoying, and Retards = Creepy x Annoying ÷ Funny.
Nic Cage understands this and it is how he is consistently able to turn ordinary celluloid shit into cinematic golden crap. And that’s why he is the greatest actor of all time*.
Need proof? Try this: Picture a Nic Cage movie in your mind–feels good, right? Which one did you pick? Rhetorical: It doesn’t matter because the euphoria is the same no matter which one you chose. THAT, is proof that magic can and does exist. And THAT is high praise.
*ALL. TIME.
1. The Cage Has Been There And Done That
The Cage has done more awesome things than any 10 men could hope to achieve in a lifetime, and he still has several decades left to out due another dozen. But since this list is about solidifying his lordship over thespians, I’ll list just some of the shit he’s done on film:
– KO’d three lesbians with martial arts whilst wearing a bear suit
– Fucked Angelina Jolie whilst stealing a car
– Stabbed himself in the heart with a giant needle after killing a man with a plague-grenade
– Fucked a waitress whilst killing assassins
– Eaten candy from a martini glass while watching a monkey perform for human entertainment
– Karate chopped a man into a coma in a strip club whilst high
– Eaten a live cockroach
– Stole drugs from a club-rat then made him watch as he fucked his club-slut against the rat’s car
– Re-enacted the end of Star Wars with fighter jets after fucking that chick from Blade Runner–and the movie wasn’t even Science-Fiction
– Robbed a convenient store for diapers
– Robbed a bank with Jon Lovitz
– Kicked the shit out of Dennis Hopper
– Killed a man for stealing his stuffed bunny rabbit
– Fucked Meg Ryan into a stupor so powerful she killed herself by running into a semi
– Torched a pervert alive using his own dirty pictures as kindling
– Gone back in time
– Drove an ambulance while fucked up on drugs
– Fought in World War II–twice
– Grabbed a teenager’s ass whilst she was singing chorus in a church
– Discovered a national treasure–twice
– Stood in a pile of spent ammunition whilst discussing how fucking awesome guns are
– Killed Wes Bentley
– Dressed up like Batman and killed a bunch of mafiosos
– Survived at ground zero on 9/11
– Escaped from Hell–twice.
There is literally nothing this man cannot do. So if you were thinking twice about going to see The Cage’s new film out this week–do yourself a favor and slap yourself in the face. You’re turning into a pussy and you need 3-DCC’s of The Cage, STAT. See you there, true believers.
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