[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Crank (2006): Breakdown by Kain424

A man is injected with a drug that will kill him if he stops producing adrenaline. He has to kill the man who essentially killed him and kill this man before he is actually killed. The movie is actually crazier than that sentence.

[THE EXECUTION]

When I first saw this film I have to admit, I didn’t like it. Of course, it was advertised as an Action film in the vein of The Transporter. Had I known, going in, that it was meant as something completely different, and far more insane, I would have enjoyed the experience a whole lot more. After seeing the sequel, and being thoroughly entertained by it, I came back and watched this one again. Crank does not disappoint in its shear level of wild fun. This is an entirely new style of film making present here, and it’s all done at ludicrous speed.

It’s as crazy as it is hilarious, with Jason Statham driving a car through a mall and crashing it up on an escalator one minute and headbanging to the Billy Ray Cyrus tune Achy Breakie Heart the next. There’s a scene where old rich white ladies start beating a cabbie to death because they think he’s Al Quaeda.

The two directors, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, are masters in hyperpaced insanity. They’ve found a perfect partner in Jason Statham, making one of the craziest flicks ever to hit the shelves. Crank zooms along pace-wise, and if you aren’t having fun in the first fifteen minutes, then you may just be a funless shrew of a person. The Action is great and while there is actually some shaky-cam utilized here, I think this may be the one time it actually works for an Action movie.

Crank is the definition of a good time and you owe it to yourself to see this one. Any film that features a guy getting roadhead while partaking in a car chase/shootout has to be great. Right?

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jason Statham is Chev Chelios

The man who refuses to lay down and die. How bad-ass? Off the fucking charts. A hitman not afraid of fucking in public, but clearly afraid to die before X-ing out the motherfucker trying to kill him, Statham plays the role with a hyper intensity never before seen. Between chase scenes, Chelios is snapping necks, kicking ass, and shooting guns, all to the beat of an ever-quickening and rapidly ticking clock. He is one of two people alive that can utter the words “I’m the Terminator” with a straight face and come off as a B.A.M.F.

There is no efficient way of detailing how bad-ass Chev Chelios is without simply having you watch this film, so I’m just going to let some of these images show you. Go out and get this one. I’m serious.

[THE BODY COUNT: 26]

Crank earns its R-rating with tons of violence and gore. The kills are mostly from multiple gunshot wounds, but we get car crashes, neck breakings, and a few people falling to their deaths as well. The final bodycount is 26 with Statham getting 12 kills alone.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

I’m gonna have to go with the closing death scene of the movie, which provides the film’s much-earned catharsis.

…Until the sequel.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The main baddie gets hints of homosexuality thrown about, but it’s really Efren Ramirez’s character that steals all the gay scenes, as he is actually a gay. But, I think it’s rather remarkable that a movie called Crank doesn’t feature a whole lot of homoerotica. In fact, the movie goes to great lengths to actually promote heterosexuality. There is an entire scene where Statham can’t seem to get an erection until he sees a bus load of Asian schoolgirls. Still, you do get to see plenty of Statham’s naked arse.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women of Crank are nearly all strippers or hoes. I lost track of all the T & A presented here, but it was a lot. Women in this film are objects or toys for pleasure.

And then there’s Amy Smart’s character. She’s Chev’s stripper girlfriend, who sleeps all day, smokes pot and enjoys public sex. So yeah. There you go.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Chelios starts wigging out and puts his empty hand in a gun posture and points at his enemies, who have him surrounded. Then he “shoots” his invisible gun and a real bullet actually goes through his chosen victim’s head. It’s totally unexpected.

“You’re a persistent motherfucker, Chev Chelios. They pop you and you just keep getting up.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Death catches up to everyone, so if you have someone to kill, you’d better get that shit done before it catches up to you.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Crank: High Voltage]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Cranktastic!