Bronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Bronx Executioner a.k.a. Il giustiziere del Bronx (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo

Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~

[THE EXECUTION]

The “film” is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn’t take place in the Bronx or feature an executioner. There is no plot, no character development, no talent and it’s easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing. The story is like someone took a foreign BLADE RUNNER-spoof porno, wrangled up some homeless people to provide a dub, and replaced all the sex scenes with stock footage of New York City and a 1960’s documentary about NASA.

And here is the resulting story, so far as I can gather: A guy named James wants to be the Sheriff of some land outside of a European castle. Which happens to be the location of an on-going war between a gang of androids and a gang of humanoids. Why they hate one-another, is anybody’s guess. The tale begins with James meeting up with the man he’ll be replacing, a Luis Gossett Jr. looking fellow, named—The Black Guy—I shit you not. So, The Black Guy has James perform a terribly edited montage of backyard wrestling training for the position, which he wins through perseverance in the face of grade school criticisms. Then James goes on to help a big muscley gay man named Dakar kill some androids in revenge for them killing his human girlfriend—or something. To say the least, this is not exactly what I expected after looking at the DVD cover (see above image).

Nothing on that is in the movie. Seriously—Nothing. No guy in a cloak, no Bronx, no Executioner, no half-nude silver demon man in denim jeans—nothing. It’s just one big consumer joke.

Even at 92 minutes, this film feels drawn out. Which is probably because it is. I lost count of how many times footage was inserted for no reason other than for something to show while a voiceover provided exposition and the number of times previously shown footage was lazily repeated time and again. It’s like in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, when Alice and Dan are trapped in Freddy’s nightmarish time loop and can’t escape doing the same thing over and over again—only that was entertaining.

I think you get the point. But, if you recall, I said above “…one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing” and I meant that. This flick was hysterical. I laughed my nuts off, ladies and gentlemen. The voice “acting” alone was worth the five bucks I paid to have this piece of shit on my DVD shelf. Like a giant turd that snakes the toilet and that disgusting urge to show someone the marvel of your bowels before flushing it out of existence, this is one of those movies I’ll revisit at least once or twice more, for the sake of conversation. So, as this movie will provide me with an odd sense of masochistic pride, as I will no doubt dupe others into watching it, I have to say it was oddly worth watching.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Gabriele Gori is Sherriff James Crowley a.k.a. White-Man

Outside of his name, that’s all you really get to know about the guy. He simply isn’t developed. Best I can give him is he shoots a handful of baddies at the end in a sequence straight out of a late-80s arcade rail-shooter. Oh and Gabriele does have some kick ass theme music that reminded me of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK—for about 30 seconds. Then they just looped it and it didn’t stop until just before the credits.

Alex Vitale is Dakar

The Black Guy: The head of the humanoids. He looks like a walking mountain, I’ve seen him beat 20 androids into a pulp. It sounds strange to say this about a machine, but there is something human about Dakar.

He’s big, he’s dumb, he’s gay and he snaps necks with his fore-arm. There, I just spoiled the whole movie.

[THE BODY COUNT: 60ish & A DOBERMAN PINCHER]

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly just how many people were killed, as like I said above, like a dog eating its own shit, they reused a ton of their own footage. Once I was able to discern just who the bad guys and the good guys were, I came out with an approximate 20 kills for the Good and around 40 for the Bad. 99% of which are bloodless shootings, but the good guys do manage to snap a couple necks, including that poor artificially intelligent doggie.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

This one easily goes to some dumb skank that tries to flee the castle after Dakar and the humanoids attack. She makes it about 50 yards on a dirt bike before getting blasted by a shotgun, which magically sets her on fire.

Those flames you see to the right of the smoke are coming out of the android’s ass. Pretty cool, huh?

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, despite all that bullshit about his escaped fuck-doll, Dakar is clearly a gay. He wears the shredded remains of a wife-beater (held together by suspenders), leather studded punk bracelets, a leather studded punk belt, leather army boots and a pair of Van Damme’s pants from LIONHEART. Which don’t fit him.

The guy looks like a bouncer for a back-alley night club. And then there’s his voice. Picture Lenny from OF MICE AND MEN, only gay and trying to do his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. It’s hysterical.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Dakar’s female human love slave is captured by the opposing side, raped and shot. At least—I think she was raped. Both the girl and her male attacker kept their pants on and fully zipped-up, so I can only assume that she was violated in some way do to the amount of crying and resistance she put up. Maybe the androids penetrate women through their bellybuttons, as her shirt was ripped and the guy was barely wearing one underneath his leather vest. Though I’m not sure, as I’m no doctor.

It’s almost like a rape dress rehearsal. Like they were filming the practice run and then just said, “Fuck it. We’re almost out of film. Good enough.”

Also, the “Rapist’s” bad guy buddies filmed his dirty deed and later they all sit around watching it for laughs. And it is somehow three times as long, which is odd. This also puts the Head Female Henchwoman, Margie, in the mood for topless groping.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: Dakar Goes After His Woman

I chose this sequence, as it made me laugh the hardest. I dare you not to chuckle…

[flashvideo filename=videos/Bronx.wmv.FLV /]

THE LINE:

[The Head Female Android is asked if she loves her henchman, named Shark]

“I only love death. Other people’s death—naturally.”

Naturally.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Apparently android’s asses are filled with gasoline.

[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[ ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice