[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo
Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir.
[THE EXECUTION]
Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I’ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human—think BLADE, with tits) in search for her father. It’s the 1930s and an enigmatic organization calling themselves the Brimstone Society, has recruited her to help rid the world of vampires. More specifically, Nazi vampires. Oh, and Rayne is a smoking hot lesbian. I forgot to mention this. SO! Sounds pretty fucking badass, right!? Too bad this is the plot description for the GAME, and the MOVIE didn’t bother to follow it.
Apparently the movie is a prequel, that acts as an origin story and re-imagines the through-line of the games of Rayne finding and killing her vampire father. Taking place, I don’t fucking know when, but it doesn’t really matter as they essentially fucked up the whole mythology of the character with a convoluted series of flashbacks, poorly orchestrated plot developments and the addition of Michelle Rodriguez playing British Accent(?) Michelle Rodriguez.
Well done, gentlemen.
The whole movie looks like an over-the-top SCA festival, hosted by a slew of C-List actors and a special appearance by Ben Kingsley. Whom only the wisest can assume, is doing so as a favor to a mentally-ill relative, or for some make-a-wish foundation. So, it clearly has within it a so-bad-it’s-good liability factor, when taken at face value, but then I remembered this is the third picture in a row by director Uwe Boll to suck a blood-engorged knob, and it kinda made me pissed. And I wasn’t the only one. Thus, Boll’s legend of being the modern-day Ed Wood has been solidified.
I usually pride myself on finding enjoyment in films that most would deem shite, but this time I have to agree with the masses. BLOODRAYNE is plagued by non-stop awful flashbacks, butchered accents, bargain-bin dialogue and pathetically bad plot exposition sequences. Though this is all bad news, the film is not without a couple of redeeming factors. For one, Boll delivers the blood. Gallons of it. Every death is a macabre masterpiece. The problem is, you have to watch the clunky and badly choreographed action sequences leading up to them, or just check out my highlights pic:
Second, the sets are really detailed and even though it’s easy to tell many of them were constructed for the purposes of a movie, if you look at it as though you were watching a play, they’re not too shabby. And the sweeping helicopter shots of the European countryside are gorgeous. Though, admittedly, it’s pretty hard to fuck those up.
Let me reverse gears a second here and go back to watching BLOODRAYNE as though it were a play… The more I think about this mindset, the better this film seems in retrospect. I think most people have seen a stage performance at some point or another in their lives that was laughably bad. Be it at a school, performed by children, or in a park, performed by hippies. And I think most would admit that there’s a certain charm to watching otherwise completely unlikable people, make fools of themselves in an affair, well below (Kingsley, Madsen), or above (Everyone Else) their level of ability. And if viewed in this way, BLOODRAYNE doesn’t seem like so much of a failure. Sure, it’s still an ass-sandwich, but at least the lettuce (I.E. novelty) is crisp enough to offset the mushy, stench-emitting shit festering beneath it.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Kristanna Loken is Rayne
Her look is close, but I can’t help but think with her saggy, ill-fitting pants that Kristanna had herself a rear-collision with craft services (shit her pants). And it’s clear that they spent almost an entire afternoon bestowing upon Loken, the skills and training necessary to look fluid and natural in wielding Rayne’s foolish-looking weapons of choice (can’t fight for shit). These observations combined, make for one truly silly looking and sloppy portrayal of a would be kicker of ass.
While I would have never expected the level of high-flying, inhuman acrobatics displayed in the game, as they would come off as terribly goofy on the film medium, I did however expect a certain degree of competence and style to be transferred and this is why I guess I’ll never be happy. I always expect too much. It was foolish of me after seeing HOUSE OF THE DEAD and ALONE IN THE DARK to think that Boll would give a flying-fuck about character accuracy or fan-service. The man simply couldn’t care less. And it is for his short-comings and apathetic approach to the subject matter that I blame the failure of badassitude in Movie Rayne. And I would feel bad for Kristanna, but I’m still pissed about T3, so fuck her, too. In closing, I imagine that you’d have to try pretty hard to fuck up something as incredibly fan-servicingly appealing as a hot, red-headed, large-chested, leather-suited, blood-sucking, lesbian, vampire Nazi slaying, immortal, ass-kicking Dhampir—BUT, they did.
[THE BODY COUNT: 90ish]
If ever there is a single valid redeeming factor for BLOODRAYNE, it’s here. When the kill count of a film gets close to 100, it’s pretty hard to make the task of watching it unbearable, and as such here, it’s the saving grace. Rayne herself kills 20+ menpires and her colleagues at the Brimstone Society whack another 35 or so. The rest is a combination of the bad guys and a monastery full of battle-monks that get ran through the proverbial meat-grinder. And I’d say half of the total count are shown in brutal detail, with geysers of blood and severed limbs. So that was nice.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
My only complaint is that it took too damn long to happen.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Nothing overt. Most of the men do sport 70s style metal hair and wear dainty dress shirts which expose more than a fair share of their chests, but they all seem too preoccupied with trying to mask their shame for participating in this mess to grope one another.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
Who better to have a stable of ACTUAL Bulgarian whores (seriously, Uwe Boll hired real ones) than acclaimed metal god Meat Loaf? It appears as though he would indeed do anything for love—including appearing in a Uwe Boll film. So, Meat resides in a cathedral turned vampire bordello, where he apparently spends his days re-enacting the most decadent and sinful activities of Ancient Rome binge and purge sex parties. And subsequently, it’s the best part of the film.
Then there’s the ‘love-making’ scene. Reminiscent of the ‘Pool Scene’ from SHOWGIRLS, Boll puts his spin on the out-of-place, unnecessarily goofy fuck sequence, by having Rayne all but force herself on one of the Brimstone soldiers. Made token by the fact that SHE bangs HIM against the outside of her prison cell, with one hand grasping the bar of the unlocked door, which pulls open and shut with every animalistic thrust, giving us the pleasure of hearing a loud ‘CLANG!’ every time they go balls-deep. But, you do get to see Loken’s tits, which is more than I can say for T3 (don’t dispute me). So, with that and the novelty of how unintentionally funny the scene comes off, it’s a titty-licking good time.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
EP-M: WTF?
Alright, so, the story is over. Clearly, it’s over. Kingsley is dead, Madsen is dead—everybody but Rayne is fucking dead, OK? Finished with her quest, Rayne sits in Kingsley’s chair, stares into the fourth wall, the scene fades to black and just when you think the credits will role—they don’t. Instead the camera zooms into her eye and in a slow-motion montage, we are re-shown all the gore-gags from the entire film… And it lasts almost 3 ½ minutes. Then it goes back to her face, THEN she leaves the castle on horseback, THEN credits. I—I just don’t—Yeah, I don’t know—I… wow, OK. Rub our face in how we just wasted our time, why don’t you?
THE LINE:
Kingsley [to Rayne]: Ungrateful bitch.
Proving how lame this movie was, that was the best I heard.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
I can safely say, nobody learned ANYTHING from this movie. I myself feel dumber having watched it. And it gets worse—Boll made a sequel.
[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse/Castle
[ ] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [BloodRayne II: Deliverance]
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
BloodRayne (2005) © Vierte Boll Kino Beteiligungs-GmbH & Co. KG and Universal Home Entertainment