Rant [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Die Hard (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo New York City Cop kills former terrorists, pretending to be current terrorists, but are really now exceptional thieves. Explosions and one-liners commence. [THE EXECUTION] “Welcome to the party, pal!” A hard boiled, take-no-shit New York City cop flies out to the magical land of limp-wristed men and … Read moreAll Other Action Movies Can DIE HARD
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Navy SEALs (1990): Breakdown by Rantbo Team of elite Air, Land and Semen kill terrorists. Are gay. [THE EXECUTION] This film was made for one reason and one reason only. To make some TOP GUN money. No clue if it succeeded financially (I highly doubt it), but the film definitely failed to touch … Read moreOoh, Navy SEALs!
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Never Back Down (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo Two shirtless boy-whores reenact KARATE KID with modern day MMA fighting moves. ‘Cuz karate didn’t get them sweaty enough. [THE EXECUTION] Contrary to what the title may have you believe, this movie isn’t about an escalating series of frat-house dares. “OK, dude–Bobby’s passed out, I dare … Read moreNever Back Down, Never Stop Sweating
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Action Jackson (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo Big chocolate cop tolerates druggie slut, kills some glam-metal ninjas with fire and fights Craig T. Nelson. [THE EXECUTION] When making a film with the basic “Super-Cop-Kills-Bad-Guy” scenario, the devil becomes all about the details, as this movie has been made at least a dozen times a … Read moreSchm-Action Jackson
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo Texas Ranger drinks beer, kills filthy Mexicans and fights Caine from KUNG FU. [THE EXECUTION] If you see only one Chuck Norris film, see INVASION U.S.A.. If you see two, make sure the second one is THE HITMAN or I guess, LONE WOLF McQUADE. Which ever … Read moreLone Wolf McHairyChest
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Kickboxer (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo Two “Brothers” honeymoon in Thailand. One gets paralyzed, the other gets even. [THE EXECUTION] You get what you pay for and KICKBOXER delivers exactly what you’d expect from a movie called KICKBOXER. Half the film is a barrage of homoerotic training montages and the other half is filled … Read moreJean-Claude Van Kickboxer
Superman. Hero, icon, legend, gay pride… One of the oldest and surely most beloved comic book characters ever created, The Man Of Steel has truly stood the test of time. First appearing in Action Comics #1, in the summer of 1938, it wasn’t until 40 years later that America’s first superhero would make the building-height … Read moreLook, Over In The $5 Bin! It’s A Romantic Comedy!–It’s A Gay Musical!–NO, It’s SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE!
RANTBO RECOMMENDS… The Chalk-Outline: In typical sniper-assassin style, our killer is a man of three names. Marky Mark is Bob Lee Swagger, and no he also isn’t a used car salesman as the name might suggest. He is, however, an ex-Marine Scout Sniper and current loner badboy. Having forsaken mankind for clean mountain air, a … Read moreRANTBO RECOMMENDS & REPREHENDS: SNIPER EDITION
Now, before I start my bitchfest, I should mention that even though I was a child of the eighties, I was never into the Transformers. I can only speculate, as my preteen memory is poor, that I simply skipped past them en route from ThunderCats to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And I’m not really sure … Read moreThe Worst Movie Ever Made?: michael bay’s transformers
Plot Synopsis and Review by Rant [Title Reference] It’s the main character’s name and a warning as to how much damage it will cause to your brain cells. [Director] John Moore (He directed the remake of FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX, need I say Moore?) [Main Hero] Det. Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) [Sidekick] Mona Sax (Mila … Read moreEXPERIENCE MAX PAYNE