Rant [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Under Siege (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo Die Hard on a boat. Chef Seagal opens up a can of whoop-ass, serves up some dead terrorists and carves up Tommy Lee Jones like a thanksgiving soldier of fortune. [THE EXECUTION] With the downtrodden hearts and minds of Action fans the world over starting to visibly … Read moreIt’s Just Like Die Hard, But it is Wetter, Under The Siege
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Beastmaster (1982): Breakdown by Rantbo He-Man with less clothes, no guns and more animals. [THE EXECUTION] THE BEASTMASTER’s story is like a book of Mad Libs filled in by a demented 3rd grader during a detention for sneaking into the girl’s lockeroom… Once upon a time there was a fetus that was … Read moreThe Beast/Abs/Pecks/Thigh Master
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Rambo III (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo Rambo ends the Cold War to save the man of his dreams. [THE EXECUTION] Rambo’s Back, Again… and showing his pecks off to some little kids? Awkward… Anyways, this time, Rambo fights for love. After re-fighting Vietnam and tying up the score, Rambo moved to Thailand and … Read moreRambo, First Blood: Episode III – Revenge of the Al-Qaeda
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] They Live (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo Rowdy Roddy Piper fights the forces of evil, that none of us can see without sunglasses. [THE EXECUTION] America. The land of opportunity—if you’re an alien. As for us lowly working class humans, the ladder of success is a little bit harder to climb when your hands … Read moreThey Live, Nada Kills
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Armageddon (1998) The Director’s Cut, Now With Three More Minutes Of Heart-Pounding Sentiments And Shitty Dated Rock Music: Breakdown by Rantbo The power of love, prayer and a windswept Old Glory give a small group of blue-collar Americans the power to save the world from a giant lion-roaring space-rock. [THE EXECUTION] Assume The … Read moreArmageddon Popcorn Michael Bay Ass-Fuck Suicide
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Substitute (1996): Breakdown by Rantbo. NOTE: I apologize in advance for the shitty pictures. I watched this on VHS, so I had to rely on the Internets to get images for a movie nobody cares about, nor remembers. This is the best I could do. Sorry. Mercenary with a heart of gold, … Read moreThose Who Can’t Kick Ass, Substitute.
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo Vietnam–Round Two. And Rambo gets to win this time. By attrition. [THE EXECUTION] Rambo’s Back …and returning to the land of his birth. ‘Nam. Descending from the heavens (via parachute), he is reborn in the freshly spilt blood of the vile Vietcong. They took … Read moreRambo, First Blood: Episode II – Rambo’s Back In Nam
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] DOA: Dead or Alive (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo ENTER THE DRAGON with more titties and BEST OF THE BEST’s Eric Roberts. SOLD! [THE EXECUTION] DOA is “THE best movie adaptation of a video game so far! -Matthew Turner, VIEW LONDON” I concur, Matthew. Big breasted women and a grab bag of goofy looking … Read moreDOA: DAMES OR manASS. You’re Invited To Eye-Candy-Island.
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Die Hard: With A Vengeance (1995): Breakdown by Rantbo DIE HARD in a city. The same shit happens to the same guy, thrice. [THE EXECUTION] John McClane loses more hair, gains a magical African American friend, kills terrorists, smokes cigarettes and watches Captain Kangaroo. McClane is back, and it’s as though DIE HARDER … Read moreDie Hard With A Vengeance, A Dish Best Served With Samuel L. Jackson
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Die Hard 2 (1990): Breakdown by Rantbo DIE HARD in an airport. The same shit happens to the same guy. [THE EXECUTION] It’s Christmas time again, and you know what that means. Asshole consumers, shitty music and even shittier driving conditions (I take that back, the music is shittier). But, it also means … Read moreDIE HARD 2: COINCIDENCE IS A BITCH FROM HELL