Rant [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003): Breakdown by Rantbo Johnny Depp is sexy—Arrrrr! [THE EXECUTION] Mystery and excitement abound in this thrilling high-seas pirate adventure, based on one of Walt Disney’s most beloved theme park rides!—And it’s sentences like that in the original add campaigns and reviews that … Read moreModels of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Aztec Gold
[THE CLASSIFIED INTEL] Goldfinger (1964): Bond Breakdown by Rantbo The Bank of England contacts MI:6 with a request that they investigate a gold dealer they suspect of smuggling and stockpiling large amounts of bullion. They want to know why, and how, he is transporting said gold overseas. So of course, top agent James Bond 007 … Read moreBond Breakdown #03: Goldfinger (1964)
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] 10 To Midnight (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo Liberal justice system protects woman killer. Bronson hate woman killer—BRONSON SMASH WOMAN KILLER! [THE EXECUTION] Charles Bronson plays hard-boiled conservative cop, Leo Kessler, hot on the trail of a woman-hating psychopathic serial killer. And bears shit in the woods. To say that this is a by-the-book, … Read more10 To Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Naked
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] OneChanbara: The Movie (Big-Sister Sword-Fighting)(2008): Breakdown by Rantbo Japanese pop-models fight off legions of kung-fu fighting zombies, with samurai swords and double-barrel shotguns—while wearing bikinis and leather catsuits. There is nothing about that sentence that I don’t like. [THE EXECUTION] Right away, the premise for this film sounds like pure win, but the … Read moreOneChanbara [Oh-Nay Chawn Bar-Uh][Tit-A’s & Zomb-A’s]
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Police Story 4: First Strike a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si 4: Ji gaan daan yam mo (1996)(The Kain424 Cut: Which Combines The Original Hong Kong Cut With The Heavily Edited American One): Breakdown by Rantbo Jackie Chan fights for America in his biggest action film to come out the month of February 1996. … Read morePolice Story 4: Snow Banks and Shark Tanks
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974): Breakdown by Rantbo An asshole, a slut and a grease monkey get chased by cops. VROOM VROOM! SCREECH! CRASH!!! [THE EXECUTION] After seeing this film referenced in several Tarantino flicks, I broke down and decided to order myself a copy of the damn thing, if for nothing else … Read moreDirty Mary Crazy Larry & Complacent Deke
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991): Breakdown by Rantbo Beastmaster travels through a portal not of time (as the title would have you believe), but of California State stock footage in order to save a bimbo and stop a brother he never knew he had from stealing a neutron detonator. Seriously. … Read moreBeastmaster Dos: Through the Portal to the West Coast, Dude!
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Inglorious Bastards a.k.a. Quel maledetto treno blindato (That Damned Armored Train) (1978): Breakdown by Rantbo Five misfit criminal American soldiers are wrangled into a covert Allied mission while escaping to Switzerland during World War II. Hundreds die. My boner lives on. [THE EXECUTION] According to Tarantino, and some no doubt obscure Japanese … Read moreThe Disgraceful Men Birthed Out Of Wedlock
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Death Hunt (1981): Breakdown by Rantbo Backwoods trapper rednecks thought they could fuck with Charlie Bronson. They thought wrong. [THE EXECUTION] Directed by Peter Hunt, the father of modern Action editing and starring Chuck Bronson and Lee Marvin, two old school hard-boiled ass kickers, DEATH HUNT would have been pretty hard-pressed to suck … Read moreDeath Hunt; Kill Eat Shit Sleep And Die
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Mutant Chronicles (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo Machine from space turns humans into zombie-mutants. Tom Jane fucks shit up. [THE EXECUTION] The best way I can think to describe this film is, RESIDENT EVIL meets WAR OF THE WORLDS, THE DIRTY DOZEN and THE DESCENT set in a post apocalyptic steam-punk future—on a low … Read moreMutant Chronicles: Age Of The Green Screen