Rant [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir. [THE EXECUTION] Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I’ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human—think BLADE, with tits) in search for her … Read moreBloodStayne
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] From Dusk Till Dawn (1996): Breakdown by Rantbo Criminals rob, kill, rape, kidnap and escape to a Mexican strip-club, where—SURPRISE! There’s Vampires. [THE EXECUTION] “OK vampire killers, lets kill some fuckin’ vampires!” In the mid-nineties, it was harder to get more cool than a Tarantino or Rodriguez joint, so when the two backlot … Read moreFrom Tarantino Till Rodriguez
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Equalizer 2000 [The Cut-To-Shit U.S. Version] (1986): Breakdown by Rantbo The story of a gun, with a half-assed sub-plot about the asshole that fires it the most. [THE EXECUTION] “North Alaska—a hundred years after the nuclear winter. The dense nuclear waste that used to girdle the planet has been burned away by the … Read moreGUN: The Movie
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Lethal Weapon [Director’s Cut] (1987): Breakdown by Rantbo & Kain424 Two lawmen overcome their contrasting social lives by sharing their feelings and learning to love their odd-couple partnership. And Gary Busey holds his bare arm over a butane lighter for like 30 seconds just to prove how crazy badass he is. [THE EXECUTION] … Read moreLethal Franchise 1
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Ying hung boon sik II a.k.a. A Better Tomorrow II (1987): Breakdown by Rantbo More Gangsters, More Guns, More Bullets, More Blood—Same Amount Of Credits. [THE EXECUTION] The magical ballet of bullets and brotherhood continues in John Woo’s sequel to his heroic bloodshed masterpiece, A BETTER TOMORROW. A BETTER TOMORROW II picks up … Read moreA Better Tomorrow Also
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Red Sonja (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo Brigitte Nielsen sword fights Sandahl Bergman to prove to herself (and the audience), that there’s a difference between being a dyke and just looking like one. Though which side she’s championing is still up for debate. [THE EXECUTION] The evil man-hating Queen Gedren (Bergman) has recently gotten … Read moreRed Mullet
Patrick Wayne Swayze 1952 – 2009 Uncommon Valor – Red Dawn – Steel Dawn – Road House – Next Of Kin – Point Break – Black Dog He Gave Us The Time Of Our Lives. You’ll Be Missed, Dalton.
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Black Dog (1998): Breakdown by Rantbo Swayze drives a tuck, Meat Loaf preaches gospel and shit blows up, real nice like. [THE EXECUTION] The title, Black Dog refers to a occurrence reported by truck drivers that have been pushing too hard, driving too far and being too greedy(?), seeing an angry black dog … Read moreBlack Dog, White Trucker, Swayze Gold
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo Wolverine gets his fourth movie following his adventures of screaming at and beating up various other Mutant cameos. [THE EXECUTION] In an attempt to hold onto the rights for their dismally bad movie franchise, FOX has released yet another X-Men oriented movie for the droves of … Read moreWolverine And His Amazing Super-Buddies Part IV: The Beginning
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Blood And Bone (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo Michael Jai White ruins mother fuckers with martial arts. Not their day, not their careers—them. [THE EXECUTION] In the future, I am happy to say, I will now be able to mention a 3rd movie when recommending an awesome illegal, high-stakes street fighting flick. BLOOD AND … Read moreBlood and Murder-Boners