Rant [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Van Helsing (2004): Breakdown by Rantbo The guy who plays Wolverine, channels Batman, to play legendary demon slayer, Van Helsing. [THE EXECUTION] Before getting into Steven Sommers’ masterpiece, VAN HELSING, I feel I must address the prequel. Yes, this film actually has one… Van Helsing: The London Assignment (2004) Released straight to DVD, … Read moreVan Archangel
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Crow (1994): Breakdown by Rantbo Undead goth kills drug-dealing rapists with guns, knives, swords, morphine, grenades, gothic architecture and some poetic verbal nuance. [THE EXECUTION] THE CROW. A movie so good, they’ve tried remaking it 5 times. Soon to be six. And one of those times was with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid … Read moreThe Crow: “What the FUCK you all painted up for, crackhead, huh!? Halloween ain’t till manana!”
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Army Of Darkness [Theatrical Version](1992): Breakdown by Rantbo Bruce Campbell vs. The Army Of Darkness [THE EXECUTION] As this is the 3rd movie in the EVIL DEAD TRILOGY, I feel I must briefly summarize what happened previously, if for no other reason than if this breakdown happens to be read by some poor … Read moreThe MedEvil Dead
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Doom [Unrated Extended Edition](2005): Breakdown by Rantbo Space Marines battle alien monsters that killed off a colony. Sounds familiar… [THE EXECUTION] Based off of one of the Most Bad-Ass Mother-Fucking Games of ALL Fucking Time, and featuring striking similarities to James Cameron’s Masterpiece, ALIENS, the question is, how does this movie fair in … Read moreDOOooooooooM!
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo Explosion – Dick Joke – Cleavage – Sunset – Robot – U.S. Military Recruitment Video Footage: Repeat For 2 Hours. [THE EXECUTION] Yes. Those Are What You Think They Are. Welcome To Transformers 2 OK, I’m going to try my best to recount the … Read moreTranformers: A Dish Best Served Never
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Grindhouse: Thunder Bolt Death Proof [Extended & Unrated](2007): Breakdown by Rantbo Q. What if Tarantino made a late-70s, early-80s horror movie about a ‘Slasher’ that used his connections working in the movie business to choose his victims, and instead of killing them off one-by-one with a knife, he used his stunt-car to claim … Read moreThe 5th Film By Quentin Tarantino
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Grindhouse: Planet Terror [Extended & Unrated](2007): Breakdown by Rantbo Q. What if that guy who made the Mexico Trilogy and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (FDTD), directed an 80s style John Carpenter flick about the Zombie Apocalypse? A. PLANET TERROR. [THE EXECUTION] Planet Terror, as described by my in-head observations: -Mmm, sexy. -Hey, it’s … Read morePlanet Terror, Project Kleenex
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Transformers (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo michael bay sells almost 3 hours of advertisement space in an action movie, which is actually a [Er-ERR-Eee-ERR] teen sex comedy in disguise. [THE EXECUTION] The story goes a little something like this: A horny teenager named Sam is trying really, REALLY hard to stick his penis in … Read moreTransformers!!! michael bay Rapes My Eyes.
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir. [THE EXECUTION] Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I’ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human—think BLADE, with tits) in search for her … Read moreBloodStayne
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] From Dusk Till Dawn (1996): Breakdown by Rantbo Criminals rob, kill, rape, kidnap and escape to a Mexican strip-club, where—SURPRISE! There’s Vampires. [THE EXECUTION] “OK vampire killers, lets kill some fuckin’ vampires!” In the mid-nineties, it was harder to get more cool than a Tarantino or Rodriguez joint, so when the two backlot … Read moreFrom Tarantino Till Rodriguez