I used to have so many found memories of going to the theater, especially as a child and teenager and one of my favorite things was getting to see the trailers for coming attractions. Before Al Gore invented the series of tubes known today as ‘the Internets’ this was the only way to see them outside of those expensive VHS tapes–(spools of tape with the film burned onto them, held together by intricate pieces of plastic) So seeing previews of upcoming flicks on a big screen was a real treat, and I know most people still have those feelings—but not me. Nope. All those fuzzy feelings have been ripped out of me by a marketing tool know as a ‘Trailer Disc’. Allow me to explain.

I have worked pretty steadily at various video stores for the past several years, and the one thing (other than renting out movies) that they all have in common is the God Damn Trailer Disc. A Trailer Disc is simply a monthly DVD that contains about 15-20 Movie Trailers that plays in a constant loop. Now, take 8 hours a day + 5 days a week for 7 years and math-a-matize that shit by a 25 min continuous loop and you can start to see the origins of my madness. I HATE TRAILERS. I can’t stand the fuckin’ things. So, during one of my random bitchfests at work about that fuckin’ disc, I decided to compile a list of the 10 most horrible cliché things that I am bored with, tired of and pissed at in these 2 ½ minute milestones of vexatious minutia. Enjoy.

10. The ‘Hey, Where Was That One Part?’

This one is annoying in retrospect. You ever watch a trailer, get psyched to see the movie based on what you saw, go see the movie and the material you saw in the trailer that made you want to see the movie—was cut out of the movie? Thus negating the purpose for seeing said fucking movie? That shit makes my piss boil.

Example: Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy. Almost the entire original trailer.

09. The ‘You Were Expecting Someone Else?’

The Trailer starts out serious like and just when you are thinking ‘Oh, shit! Is this the new James Bond trailer?!’ The narrator drops out and … Whomp Whom, Nope! It’s a Super Funny Comedy! Let’s go see that, it was SOOOO clever in tricking us, tee hee hee!

Example: Get Smart ‘There has always been a delicate balance of chaos and control.  Now with that balance threatened it’s time to turn to one man…’ and it’s Steve Carell. DURP!!

Hasn’t this joke been done enough times? Think about, I bet each person reading this can think of at least 10 times they have seen this done. You know what? Wasn’t funny the first fucking time. Get a new shtick Assholes!

08. The ‘From The GUY that Brought You/Produced/Was In/Is Friends With…’

The studio gets a hit movie and decides to take the most quotable or quirky aspect of it and spin it into some recycled garbage in hopes that the original audience will fall for seeing the same shit twice.

Example: Just Like Heaven. “Featuring ‘NAPOLEON DYNAMITE’S’ Jon Heder!” Remember him kids! He did the Funny Dance! Wee! Come to our new movie and see all his NEW catch phrases so you’ll be in on the Hot Topic slogan shirts! Hey you laughed at him before, so why not again! They even used a clip of Heder giving the thumbs-up when they show him. How embarrassing.

07. The ‘Hey, This Isn’t A (ENTER GENRE HERE) Movie’

Misinterpretation of Genre. How many times have seen a trailer that made the movie look like a Comedy, or a Thriller and upon seeing it, it was anything but. A lot. Studio dicks will do anything to get your $7.50. They switch the tone of the trailer based on which movie it is appearing in front of. BULLSHIT! ASSHOLE JACK-OFFS!

Example: Into The Blue. When this was coming out there were 2 trailers I saw in theaters. One made the film look like what it was, a lame popcorn movie for tweenagers and I saw this in front of a summer blockbuster popcorn flick. I had a good laugh at the awfulness, but all was good. But then I saw another trailer in front of an adult centric mystery movie and the tone was WAY different, they tried to play it off as a fuckin’ thriller for the 18-30 crowd. Which it is… NOT! Douchebag Executives, I’m on to your bullshit. You can’t pull the mediocre shirtless boy-whore wool over my eyes God Dammit!

06. The ‘This Song Says It All!’

Overused Songs used in the trailer, but usually never in the movie. Simple, here is a short list off the top of my head: ‘Let the Bodies Hit The Floor’, ‘Click Click Boom’, ‘Lux Aeterna’, ‘Battle Without Honor or Humanity’, ‘Spirit In The Sky’, ‘My Love Open The Door’, ‘Theme From The Last of the Mohicans’. Can’t we try something original here? I know change is scary, but you never know… You could choose a new song and be the first in a long list of people to use it!

Example: If you can’t think of one immediately, I can’t imagine why you would be on a movie centric site.

05. The ‘Show ‘Em How Funny It Is’

This happens when someone in the trailer says something that the editor thinks everyone should laugh at, but during that scene in the movie, no one does. So, they cut to another part of the movie where people are laughing and stick them together to show us in the audience that, Hey! This Shit Is Funny!

Example: Dan In Real Life. Dane Cook: ‘Hey look everyone, it’s Dan’s book, best book I ever read.’ Some Woman: ‘Maybe the ONLY book you’ve ever read’ CUT TO: Dinner scene of a bunch of chuckle heads yukking it up. SWIPE to a car…’

I can’t stand this crazy, non sequitur excuse for a laugh track bullshit.

04. The ‘Were They Gunna Say What I THINK They Were Gonna Say?!’

Something CRAZY happens to a character and the way in which the character chooses to express their feelings on the situation is to say ‘BEEP!’ Hmm, that was weird, I meant to say ‘HONK’, Umm, no… I’m trying to say *EXPLOSION*. Well fiddle sticks.

Example: Monster In Law. Wanda Sykes: ‘I am sick Sick SICK of Your ‘HONK!’

Holy mother of *KABOOM* is this *SCREECH* the most pathetic tactic to get a cheep laugh. How much of a crazy uptight right-wing conservative do you have to be to have your swear words Beeped for you to find it pleasant enough to chuckle at. *CRASH* this *BONK*. It’s as pointless as blurring someone’s middle finger, EVERYBODY knows what’s there, so why tease us with this Mickey Mouse Bull*CLANK* just to be P.C.?

03. The ‘One For The Road’

At the end of the trailer, show the TITLE and then throw in one more nauseating ‘DURP!’ Joke as a slap on the audience’s ass. Thanks For Watchin’!

Example: EVERY COMEDY TRAILER in the last 20 years. ~FART!~

02. The ‘LOOK HOW ZANY!’

Just in case the audience has severe ADHD, lets pump a ton of unnecessary and obnoxious sound effects into every clip and transition for the solid 2 ½ minutes. ~BANG! ZOINKS! UeeWANK! BLONG! ZiiiP! EUWoW!~ It’s like a fucking 1960’s Batman episode. I don’t need a bunch of dumb ass chatter thrown in to bash me over the head with just how fuckin’ CaRaZiE! This Shit Is! Give me a little credit.

Example: Superbad. When Evan hit’s Jenna in the tit ‘GULP!’ and when Evan and Seth are in their sleeping bags ‘CRICKET CHIRPS’… By the way, They Are In-Fucking-Doors! Why Is This Here? What Purpose Does This Serve? Answer: Nun-Whatso-Fuckin’-Ever!

01. The ‘HhhhUhhh!’, The ‘Whoosh!’ and The ‘RrrrreMP’

She just fell down! *STOCK AUDIENCE GASP*. Hey we just cut to another shot *WHOOOSH!*He just said something that could be interpreted as racist *CUT THE PLAYBACK–RECORD SCRATCH*. My hatred knows no bounds. My hands are actually shaking as I am typing this out of the pure unfiltered psychotic fucking rage I have for this effect. I cannot express just how unfunny and overused this tactic is. I have to take a Valium.

Example: Here are a few recent ones… ‘What Happens In Vegas’. Cameron Diaz falls off the bar. ‘GASP!’ ‘The Rocker’. Rainn Wilson throws the drumstick at the prom ‘GASP!’. ‘Miss Conception’ the first 20 seconds ‘RECORD SCRATCH’. And so on, And So On…

Oh, and as for the ‘WHOOSH!’ Just like the ‘Slap-On-The Ass’, check out any and all comedy trailers and listen for when the scene changes. It’s not hard to miss as it is usually as loud as an aircraft carrier flying over your head.

As an added bonus, you can see almost all 10 of these Gripes in The Game Plan. Go ahead, check it out, and pay close attention. Try and count the number of asinine dumb ass sound effects and bullshit clichés that riddle that trailer like ass cancer. Go ahead, I Fuckin’ Dare You.