[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Transformers (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo
michael bay sells almost 3 hours of advertisement space in an action movie, which is actually a [Er-ERR-Eee-ERR] teen sex comedy in disguise.
[THE EXECUTION]
The story goes a little something like this:
A horny teenager named Sam is trying really, REALLY hard to stick his penis in an oblivious twenty-something year-old named Mikaela. Meanwhile, in Iraq, live action Duke from the G.I. Joe cartoon and Tyrese from 2F2F are busy trying to make a phone call and are troubled by a comedically annoying Indian man. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., our Midnight Cowboy defense secretary is busy assembling a crack squad of college hipsters to decipher an 80s sound effect. Meanwhile, back at Sam’s pad, Dad is busy bitching about his lawn, while Mom stands around being a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, back in D.C., the hottest hipster reveals herself as a masochist, by willfully visiting fat-black stereotype ‘actor’, Anthony Anderson. Meanwhile, actor John Turturro waits on the sidelines for the feature length mark to cash in his credibility, presumably for no other reason than to have the novel footage of his soul leaving his body. You know, to break out at parties and shit.
Oh, yeah. There’s also a small sub-plot dealing with robots from space trying to find some kind of mystical cube, whose power to shrink itself into a smaller cube could destroy the universe. Or something like that.
Simply put, I HATED TRANSFORMERS. In my opinion, it’s The Worst Movie Ever Made. Click the link for affirmation.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Shia LaBeouf is Sam Witwicky
If you consider whining, crying, complaining, nonstop constant babbling and sex obsession to be badass, well then Sam’s your man. But, the way I see it, Witwicky is a fucking wussy. That’s part wimp and part pussy.
Sam spends the entire movie slingshotting unfunny jabber at everyone he meets, running away from any and all danger and consistently screaming “No, NO, nonononononono, No, NO, NO!!! BUMBLEBEE!!! Wahhhhhhh, NO!” The fact that they decided to make this dink the hero as opposed to Optimus Prime, or even that G.I. douche is beyond my realm of understanding.
[THE BODY COUNT: 10 SOUNDS GOOD]
Not really sure. I know for certain that Black Stereotype Bot dies, and I think one or two of the evil bots get sent to that giant compactor in the sky. And as for the humans, I’m pretty sure a handful of soldiers were killed when the scorpion bot thing was attacking them for no reason. So, how about we call it 10. I’ll say 10. If you happen to own the movie—kill yourself, but before you do, feel free to correct me.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
That one guy that was stabbed through the torso by the scorpion bot thingy was almost cool.
I say almost, as it’s pretty weird how being impaled by a large fork shaped object yields no blood, especially when shaken around like a maraca. But it’s the best this film delivers.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Tyrese is here, and of course he’s gay as a shit-slicked dildo. Though this time he’s ‘Army Gay’, not ‘Miami Gay’, so he has to try and act not gay to avoid inadvertently convincing the other jarheads to come out of the closet and subsequently ruin their marriages to all the 17 year old prom queens giving birth to the next generation of cannon-fodder back home.
“…You Silly Goose!”
At one point Tyrese’s boyfriend, G.I. Duke, is in need of a credit card and even though scorpion bot thingy is walking back and forth blowing up the sand around them, he decides to play coy and has Dukey try and fish it out of his ass-cheek pockets. Duke fumbles around back there, for just about 3 minutes too long, before Tyrese informs him it’s padding his “LEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK!”. Barking the order to bring him home like a sex-starved auctioneer.
Other than that, the film does feature 2 separate occurrences of male characters pissing on other male characters. Which just can’t be straight.
Also, there seems to be no evidence of female transformers. And since they all have crotches that function similar to Urth mammals (dead giveaway with the urination) they must have sex right? So—I have a theory. What if the terms Autobots and Decepticons are really slang for Male and Female. And since this is a michael bay movie and the Decepticons are all whiny, controlling bitches, they MUST be the women! Which means this whole war is ACTUALLY a battle of the sexes! And the cube must be their communal property that a court deemed into the care of a foster planet, Earth! It all makes sense now!
But, even if you choose not to agree with my hypothesis, it dosen’t matter as there’s still no proof to support that “Transfemers” exist. Leaving me to assume that Cybertron is Cybergay.
[HOW michael bay VIEWS WOMEN]
The Four Categories Of Women For A Typical bay Movie
Old Cunts: 61+ black, cranky, obnoxious, bitter old hags.
Reason for Existence: Bitching and screaming.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Bernie Mac’s Mom and Anthony Anderson’s Grandma.
Gaping Cunts: 31-60 stupid, submissive, suburbanite broodmares for the state.
Reason for Existence: Embarrassment, comic relief and sack lunches.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Sam’s Mom
Borderline Acceptable Cunts: 25-30 moderately attractive placeholders.
Reason for Existence: Objectification and eventual child rearing. A suitable supplement for eye-raping while at work or while located too far from a high school.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Aussie Hipster
Hot Oblivious Cunts: 15-24 young, dumb and in need of douche-infused cum.
Reason for Existence: Eye candy. Tits, plump glossy lips and golden, oiled abdomens.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Megan Fox
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
As it’s a bay movie, I’ll have to go with the negative definition of Epic. You know, the fail side. And this film has a doozy.
[flashvideo filename=videos/BayPiss.wmv.FLV /]
Before this, the film had only managed to climb the nether regions of Scatological Mountain. But with one giant ‘BOING!’ and a heavy stream of vitamin fortified robot piss, bay officially staked a giant cock-shaped flag on the peak. With an eternal flame shooting out of the business end of it.
While this wasn’t the lowest possible denominator (ex. Camaro didn’t brick in Tutorro’s mouth), it’s so fucking close, that even if I had loved bay before it rained golden space urine, I don’t think I could have forgiven him.
As for the one-liner:
It pretty much sums up the whole film in two perfect, deep voiced syllables.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
michael bay is killing BadAss Cinema.
[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack*
[ ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)*
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[ ] Vigilante Justice
*I’m counting the golden showers.
** Seeing as how there is 18 or so of them, I’m sure at least one did.
