The Fast and the Furious 3: Fancy Fishtails

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo

Teenage brat gets shipped to Japan and power slides his way into the dangerous, illegal underground world of e-braking at high speeds.

[THE EXECUTION]

TOKYO DRIFT. It sounds like an STD and much like one, this franchise will keep popping up every so often to irritate and disgust us.

This time, instead of following another one of the alumni from part one, we get an all new character to annoy us. His name is Sean and he is a trouble maker. Somehow in the coarse of a couple days, this “teenager” manages to partake in two life changing street races, on two different continents and all in the name of pre-legal pussy. For race number two, he takes a liking to the underage girlfriend of a 30-year-old high-school student, who happens to be a part-time gangster. So, Sean must seek out an Obi-Wan to teach him the ways of ‘drifting’ to defeat and humiliate him. And that’s pretty much the story.

To be fair, this movie is probably the best film out of the first three. Not to say that I liked it the best, because I didn’t, it just has a lot of things going for it that the other two didn’t. For instance, exciting races. That’s kind of a big one considering that this franchise is based upon making teenage wiggers think shiny cars are cool enough to try and obtain. So, it’s kind of sad that it took till the third movie to actually show them in action, as opposed to green screening it with blur effects.

Another thing I liked was that they actually have a likable tough-guy as the main character. Sorry Paul Walker, but you was a pussy. Lucas Black plays Sean and it was weird for me to see him as a middle-aged looking dude, ‘cuz I remember him as the little creepy kid from AMERICAN GOTHIC. He still acts, dresses and sounds like he was just picked up by a casting agent at an Alabama bus stop and I have to respect him for not becoming just another shirtless boy-whore (Channing Tatum—Paul Walker). At least not yet.

The best part about this movie though, has to be that instead of racing for boring bullshit like cash and pink slips, this film ups the game and the stakes by having the honor to take a spoiled girl to the prom and the right to remain a Tokyo gangster as the prize for fishtailing the best. I like that. Makes it more interesting.

All-in-all, this is an average (5-6ish outta 10) flick. Again, I’m not a car guy, so I appreciate this culture about as much as I do Youth Groups (I’m an anti-social atheist) and Skate Boarding (I’m fat and uncoordinated), so I feel I can’t fairly judge it too harshly. It’s not nearly as fun as part 2, but this one at least brings something new (albeit, stupid) to the table. So I’ll say it’s worth a watch if you are bored and want to see some original chase sequences. Oh, and this film also features Sonny Fucking Chiba. That’s worth a rental, right there.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Lucas Black is Sean ‘The Gaijin’ Boswell

He looks like he’s thirty (though at the time, was only 24) and his problem is, he keeps getting kicked out of High School for trolling teenage pootie-tang. Well—that’s at least the catalyst. It appears as though Sean feels the need, the need to drive really fast and reckless like an asshole to impress trust fund pussy. But at least he does it with some American muscle and style. He has that macho-bullshit attitude that was present with every character in the past two films, but at least with Lucas Black, he manages to be somewhat believable and subsequently, likable. Plus, his Mom is smoking…

Mmm, I wouldn’t kick THAT outta bed in the morning!

Sean’s a natural born troublemaker, but with a heart of honorable gold and bawls of steel. But, it’s like that old saying goes: “If you’re gonna be dumb, ya gotta be tough.” And it could just be that the only basis for on-screen comparison is a kid named Twinkie who is played by Little Bow Wow, but this motto seems to suit Sean pretty well. As for doing Bad-Ass things—not so much. At least not outside of the event in the [Most Satisfying Ass-Kicking…] listed below.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01]

Sean’s Obi-Wan, Han, gets his self blown-up in a car wreck. But, that’s what you get for driving like a fucking ass-hat.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATHS]

That Kid From Sling Blade vs. That Kid From Home Improvement

Both in their mid-twenties and these two still just can’t seem to grow up. The spark of the incident is Sean talking to Zachary Ty Bryan’s underage girlfriend. Some macho dick measuring commences and it naturally comes down to a car race. Problem is, Sean only races for pink slips and Zach’s Viper is worth 80,000 dollars of syndication residuals. So, what to race for? The slut has an idea. Her. So, the race is on and it takes place in, on and through a housing development under construction (I looked, but didn’t spot Tim Allen or Al). And it’s easily the best part of the movie.

The two D-Bags grimace, sneer and plow through the site, with complete disregard for safety and property, to the tunes of Kid Rock and culminates with Sean driving through an unfinished house to close the gap. All I can say is, that little blonde bimbo’s pussy better be Shangri-la for all this trouble. Oh, and as for the ‘Deaths’, it’s these guy’s careers.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Nothing to report really. There is a brief scene in a bathhouse, but outside of that and the staple macho-asshole street-racing, nothing to go on about. Which is disappointing. But even if it were trying to entice young men out of the closet, how could it even compare to 2 FAST? It couldn’t, so director Justin Lin took the James Cameron approach (ALIENS) and went with a new angle. Which is racing for school girl appreciation and admiration. Which, don’t get me wrong, is both creepy and funny in it’s own right, but I can’t say I didn’t miss watching two angst-filled 35 year old men bickering over who was going to be pitcher and catcher.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Once again, a bunch more short “skirts” and shirts that wouldn’t even classify as bras. Ho-hum. But, there was this…

That’s right, make your parents proud, you god dammed whore. And by the way, when did High School sponsored cheerleader uniforms start out-trashing common street walker’s ensembles? I graduated about 8 years ago, so maybe shit has changed, but they certainly didn’t weren’t allowed to wear shit like that when I was in school. At least not without being sent home. God dammit.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Every scene with Sonny Chiba. ‘Cuz it’s Sonny Fucking Chiba.

“There’s an old saying: For want of a nail—the horseshoe was lost. For want of a horseshoe—the steed was lost. For want of a steed—the message was not delivered. For want of an undelivered message—

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“There’s no “wax on, wax off” with drifting—learn by doing it.”

WARNING: UNIVERSAL PICTURES AND THE PRODUCERS UNDERSTAND THAT THE FANS OF OUR FAST AND FURIOUS FRANCHISE ARE NIMROD JACK-OFF DOUCHE-BAGS AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CLEARLY NOT A DOCUMENTARY, MUST INSIST THAT NO ONE RECREATE OR RE-ENACT ANY STUNT OR ACTIVITY PERFORMED WITHIN THIS FICTIONAL MOVIE.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Sonny Fucking Chiba]
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[ ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Fast & Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[ ] Vigilante Justice