[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Road House 2 (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo
ROAD HOUSE, but set in Louisiana instead of Missouri, featuring drug dealers instead of extortionists and with one of the Buseys instead of Swayze.
[THE EXECUTION]
From the moment the title is revealed, you know you are in for 86 minutes of pure class and sophisticated fun as the words Road and House and the number 2 are proudly displayed over a giant bag of cocaine. (See above picture).
While the first Road House was a blend of Eastern and Western Action film styles, this film is just an 80 minute long, MMA fueled, stop-the-drug-dealing-terrorists, bare-knuckled, nut-crunching fun-ass Action flick–made twenty years too late.
Instead of wasting time with words, everyone in this film talks with their fists. There’s got to be at least one fight for every ten lines of dialogue and for some reason, when one car touches another car, they both explode. This film is pretty fun. The best part about it though, isn’t the gratuitous violence and nudity, but rather the simple fact that the filmmakers took the subject matter seriously. Which was surprising, as most would have tried to make it an intentional comedy to match the cult success of the first film’s unintentional laugh-riot fan status. But, they actually passed and made it serious, which subsequently, made it almost as funny as the original. I was quite surprised.
It still falls short of part one in a couple of areas, though. First, the music is way worse. Instead of some retro blues-riffed classic 60s rock songs, we get a bunch of rap garbage and white-man’s hillbilly blues that made my ears vomit blood. And second, Dalton dies, off-screen and in the backstory by the gun of some Euro-trash drug dealer and a disgruntled bouncer. Boo! BOO! How are you going to play the legend of Swayze’s greatest performance like that? Shit, he appeared in DIRTY DANCING 2, and you’re telling me the filmmakers couldn’t even score a cameo? It couldn’t be that he was too hard to schedule around or asked for too much money. I mean shit, the guy’s most memorable role from the past 15 years was as a pederast in DONNIE DARKO. But, it doesn’t ruin the film, or anything.
Scheach does a better-than-expected son-of-Swayze performance and it’s easy to believe that he was once excreted from Dalton’s knife-scarred (I’m assuming) sack. The odd thing is though, if Dalton Jr. is supposed to be the same age as the actor playing him, it would mean that at the time of the original movie, 1989, that Jr. would have been 20 years old. Yet Dalton never mentioned his fully-grown offspring to anyone. My best guess is that Dalton Jr. must have been a test-tube baby. Which would make sense, as I think the first woman Dalton had sex with was Doctor White Snake, due to the awkwardness of their sex scene and obviously confused state-of-mind he appears in post-coitus. That’s my theory.
Anyways, ROAD HOUSE 2 is a pretty good sequel and a damn good DTV movie. You don’t find too many of those, so if you’re a fan of part one, I recommend giving the sequel a chance. I think it will surprise you.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Johnathon Scheach is Shane Tanner is Dalton Jr.
“You as tough as your daddy was?”
“Opinions vary.”
-Within the first 15 minutes, he has already turned in his badge, as keeping it on would require that he answers to someone. And fuck that noise. Also, he wears his DEA shirt WHILE undercover.
-Much like his father, Jr. doesn’t fly, for the unspoken danger it would put on the other passengers. Just think of what would happen if, or rather WHEN a knife fight broke out a couple miles up? Another awesome movie. But we don’t have time for that now.
-Instead of practicing Tai Chi, Jr.’s a master of kickboxing. Much cooler.
-Outside of establishing his father’s rules for the staff, Jr. doesn’t preach any pussy-ass pacifism. Nope, he solves his problems by making others bleed.
-Gets kicked in the junk in nothing but his underwear, HARD, by a chick with pointed shoes. And not only does he stay on his feet, he walks it off and is all better in about a minute.
-Sadly, he doesn’t rip out anyone’s throat, but he does brutally beat down at least 5 men and sends one through a second story window, impaling him on a statue. That’s pretty much as good, in my opinion.
[THE BODY COUNT: 10]
Much like the first film, the count doesn’t get started until the third act. But it makes up for it very quickly, by doubling the original film’s total. The first 8 are your standard shoot-scream-fall over rapid-fire deaths, and the final two are the pay-off novelty kills. All of which, are scored by team Dalton Jr.
[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]
Jr.’s female love interest (former army) and Busey’s lead Henchwoman (former biker-dike) square off at the end of the picture in THE Best Chick-Fight I’ve even seen (well, aside from ABOVE THE LAW).
Ironically (or coincidentally), however you choose to see it, it all goes down in a kitchen. These two hell-cats kick the menstrual blood outta one-another, with more dirty moves and low-blows than all the male-on-male fights combined. It’s fantastic. The fight culminates when Jr.’s girlfriend is stabbed in the stomach by Henchwoman. Luckily, she contracted a BAMFSTD from Jr. and is able to pull the blade out, break it off at the handle, and stab Henchwoman right above her heart with it. All without crying and calling a man in to help her. Take that, bitch.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
During the opening scene, Jr. ditches a supermodel piece of ass because he has “…a job to do.” The poor girl is half naked and literally grinding her ass on his crotch, and he can’t be bothered to take a couple minutes out of his night to cum and run? What a fag. And I don’t mean that as a derogatory statement. Who knows where she’s been, a whore like that. Yuck. A lesser gay man would have been helpless against her sexual advances, but not the son of Dalton. No way. Later on though, it does appear as though Jr., might just be bi…
At first it appears that the only pussy Jr.’s interested in, is his uncle’s cat. But then he ends up hooking up with a sexy looking woman. Her name is Beau, pronounced Bo–as in Bo Jackson. A big, butch, black man. Maybe this is what attracted Jr. to her, or perhaps it could be the way that she fights like a man. Either way, one thing is for certain, it’s not because he finds her physically attractive.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
More punches and kicks are lobbed at women in this film than titties were shown in the first. Jr.’s girlfriend takes a Hellava beating by a pair of would-be rapists and Henchwoman gets more of the same from Uncle Nate. Not to say that there isn’t nudity. Far from it:
Strippers and Bitches!!!
Sherri the DEA agent (top left) helps Jr. bust some drug dealers at a strip-club during the opening scene, and afterward, continues playing the role like a bitch in heat. And it’s made clear that she isn’t Jr.’s girlfriend, so I’m left to assume that according to this movie, all professional woman are slutty horndogs that can’t wait for an opportunity to fuck their co-workers.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
After finding out that he was betrayed by one of his own bouncers, leading to the trashing of his bar and the vicious beat-downs of his loyal men, Jr. gets even. After calling the backstabber at home, to make sure where he is, Jr. surprises him by jumping into the house through a large window with the aid of a trashcan lid and tackles the bastard to the ground where he proceeded to punch him into submission.
The one liner goes to Dalton’s Bro, Nate (also never previously mentioned…). While being hunted down at the hospital, where the badguys sent him earlier, Nate grabs the Henchwoman and teaches her how to be a lady.
“Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice [Headbutt] not gonna happen.”
Knocks her bitch-ass out COLD.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Jake Busey is the new Gary Busey.
[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[ ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[ ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
