[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Resident Evil: Extinction (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo
The Skinny One returns to roam the desert, kill birds and fight a hentai rape monster.
[THE EXECUTION]
Well, third time appears to be the charm, as EXTINCTION is by far the best film of the series. But that isn’t saying much.
Instead of moving on to rip-off ESCAPE FROM LA, Paul W.S.A. decided to move onto MAD MAX 2. Why stop at raping just one classic franchise? The logical continuation will put Part 4 on a giant space station/weapon , owned and operated by the Umbrella Empire, er–Corporation.
The direction this time around is leaps and bounds better than the last two, but the story is still unfortunately poorly thought out garbage. It’s, of course, written once again by Paul. I wonder if he knows how mediocre he is? I bet he does, but just doesn’t care. What a wanker.
The first action sequence (of three total) features Alice fighting a group of inbred mormons with a fetish for feeding people to zombie-dogs. Which, I admit, is a great idea, but doesn’t belong in a Resident Evil film. But, as much as this sequence seems tacked on, it’s still better than anything from the past two films, while still managing to be quite bad. Well done, guys(?)
The inbred-mormon scene withholding though, the rest of the film follows a group of roaming dopers as they ramble around the southwestern United States bleeding members in-between 7-11 pit stops. It seems that the best ideas the stoners could come up with between funion breaks, was to 1st) drive around the desert, scrounging for gas, food and reefer. 2nd) listen to Iron Butterfly whilst doing number one. And 3rd) Bitch about their situation. Which raises a question: Why would a convoy bent on staying mobile, in a near gasless post-apocalyptic world, be driving around in an army truck, a utility van, an ambulance, a school bus and a hummer? Could these people not find a single Prius amongst the entire southwestern United States? And don’t tell me they happened upon Schwarzenegger’s hybrid, because Arnold would survive the end of days (this time, I’m sure) and drive off to re-start civilization, like a man.
Repeating an issue I had from part one, nothing happens in this film for almost 40 minutes. At that point you get to see the fire v. crows scene from the trailer and then nothing again for another twenty minutes.
It’s a largely pointless movie, as far as progressing the franchise’s story, up until just before the 60 minute mark. That’s when the saving grace action sequence happens.
The creepy doctor who upgraded Alice in the last two films, wrangles up a bunch of zombies, makes it so they can run (fuck you canon!) and personally dresses them all in grey jumpsuits (footage missing). He then piles them all into a metal box with clown-car physics (seriously, at least 70 or more must run out of a container half the size of a semi-truck’s freighter) and unleashes them on the heroes at the only gas-pump left in the city of Las Vegas. OK, so it’s one of the dumbest fucking scenarios possible, but at least it’s filled with cherry-pie splattering goodness. The sequence is, however, bitter-sweet because the filmmakers have distanced themselves so far from the source material that it’s practically unrecognizable as a Resident Evil story. Which is just sad, as that’s why I was watching this crap.
As a whole, this film is still a mediocre sci-fi action-horror vehicle, but at least this entry had some entertaining fights, some great practical gore effects and Johnny Cage as a cowboy sniper.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Milla Jovobich is Alice 2.5. Now With Mind Bullets (that’s telekinesis, Kyle)!
Alice gets upgraded more than an iPhone and with this installment, she gains the powers of telekinesis, pyrokinesis and knife-fighting, the level of which having only previously been possessed by Blade. In short, she has finally become the action hero they’ve been pretending she was for the past two films.
Also, it could be her choice of slightly less stupid looking clothing, but she doesn’t look so damn dilapidated this time either. Which is good. Of course her hair now looks like a soiled truck-stop mop-head. Maybe they couldn’t afford a stylist after buying all those grey zombie jumpsuits. But, it is nice to know that even though the world is in it’s final days, the ladies can still find time to highlight their hair. And speaking of highlights, here are some of Alice’s…
-Kills a guy with a kick to the jaw
-Kills a family of mouth-breathers by unleashing zombie dogs on them.
-Kills a fleet of Super-Un-Dead men with a couple of knives.
-Destroys the components of an orbiting satellite with her mind.
-Fights a tentacle monster with a knife. AND avoids having a single orifice raped in the process.
[THE BODY COUNT: A SHIT-TON ASS-LOAD MORE +1]
The virus has spread throughout the world and killed most life on Earth. So roughly 6 billion people, a hundred billion animals and most plant life. Top that, Roland Emmerich.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
School Boy a.k.a. that effeminate guy from DOA gets his face raped to death. So that was kind of special.
It’s rare to see a tentacle penetration death in a Hollywood film, so you have to show your appreciation when the chance arises. Kudos, team.
[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]
Here we are, part 3. And the big question is, does Alice’s sexual preference finally get revealed. I believe I can safely say, yes. But EXTINCTION throws us a curve ball and Alice takes what’s behind door number three.
Herself. Even I didn’t see that one coming. Which raises a new question: is it still abstinence when you hook up with a clone of yourself? I don’t know, but I’m willing to perform some extensive tests with the Jovovich Clones to find out.
Alice’s potential new love interest doesn’t end up alone and lonely though, they’ve got it covered.
Paul W.S.A. just loves him some shitty actresses. Regrettably replacing Miss. Valentine, is Ali Larter (AMERICAN OUTLAWS) as Claire Redfield. Not to be confused with the Claire Redfield of the Resident Evil videogame franchise fame. No, no. These two have nothing to do with one another. I guess Paul just liked the name and felt like shitting on the fans once more for the lulz. Movie Claire is a tough talkin’, truck-driving, rootin-tootin lipstick lezzy with a thing for the young ones. She shacks up with a lovely young thing called K-Mart (seriously). These two share the same clothing style, hairstyle, constantly open-mouthed vacant expressions and front truck cab. Their relationship is one of convenience, but what a sexy convenience it is.
Whatsamatter Claire–Do You Think Someone Saw Us!?
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
You get to see another quick glimpse of Milla’s chest, and it’s still ribbed for no one’s pleasure. But, regrettably there are no zombie strippers this time around.
As far as the misogyny goes, these films are lacking as they support a girl-power angle, but I’ve got some of my own to share. The AOBG Stupid Bitch award goes to that chubby chick from the Ja Rule music videos. As for no reason that I can discern, she locks herself in a school bus that is filling up with flesh-eating birds. She tries to take some of them out with a pistol, but fails like her music career and gets pecked to death.
Why she didn’t just run when given the chance, or at least use her gun on herself, I’ll never understand.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
The Gigolo goes down in a blaze of glory–while smoking’ a blaze.
As for the one-liner. No. This film had a couple of potential’s but they are so lame, that I refuse to repeat them here, as they weren’t even good enough for a laugh.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
What happens in Vegas–is never as cool as killing zombies. Not even David Copperfield.
[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[ ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[ ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Resident Evil: Afterlife]
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
