[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004): Breakdown by Rantbo
Skinny Chick returns to kung fu the cast of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, wire-fight a giant mutated retard and run down the side of a building for some dumbass reason.
[THE EXECUTION]
This film picks up directly after the events in part one. Which I happen to like (where the sequel picks up, not the first movie), even when I know the sequel is going to be just as shitty as the original. I guess you could compare my ‘condition’ to the people who don’t give a shit about football, but still watch the super bowl because of the commercials. We are a sick, sick group of individuals that need help. But I know that there has to be at least a couple other people out there that would still watch a SUPER MARIO BROS. sequel if it picked up right when Princess Daisy busts into the Mario brother’s apartment all grungy and asking for help. Curiosity took the cat’s $9.50, but the ability to accurately complain, brought it back.
Much like in the game, the city near the mansion from part one has become infected with zombieitus and all Hell has broken loose. But, outside of a couple familiar character names and outfits, that’s where the comparisons to the videogames end.
However, the movie sequel does stay true to it’s movie predecessor and even outdoes it as there are even more cut-away deaths, shaky-cam quick-cuts, shitty acting and unintelligible action sequences. Way to one up the original, guys.
While I believe that APOCALYPSE is indeed a worse movie than part one, there are actually more likable features this time around. For instance, the bad-ass male character makes it the entire duration. There are actually characters and situations from the games integrated (albeit poorly) into the plot. And in place of the lesbian ‘Rain’ character we get a hot brunette in a mini-skirt for a sidekick, thus balancing out the lack of original hotness killed by Milla’s stupid clothes and now third-world bodyframe.
“I told you. Shoot the head.”
It’s just unfortunate that Valentine happens to be in RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE, as her character drowns within the shitty story, terrible dialogue and laughably bad action sequences. But, I’d still pay to see a movie featuring her as the main character. That is, so long as Paul W.S.A. was barred from the creative team and it was made more like the games and not a shitty ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK rip-off. Which, by the way, is really uninspired. At least when Neil Marshal made DOOMSDAY, he hired a chick with a nice rack and a sexy accent to play the role of Snake and not his anorexic girlfriend. So, on the bright side, at least someone learned from Anderson’s mistakes.
Here’s some more stuff I hated. The Fights. All the fights are ass. All you get are a bunch or rapid fire shots of Milla Jovovich swinging her skinny arms around with the sound of a bamboo stick hitting a stack of newspapers overlaid. The worst of which is a non sequitur graveyard fight where, for some reason, they decided to ruin the virus continuity by having it effect already buried bodies, just so they could show the girls leg sweeping and donkey kicking decomposed corpses. It’s fucking dumb.
Surprisingly though, most of the film’s fight scenes and non-CG body count involve the main bad guy’s un-undead minions (that means they’re alive). Which are a fleet of poorly trained automatons with uzis and nightsticks that all wear motorcycle helmets with the visors down, even though it’s pitch black out and they don’t have any bikes.
Which brings me to the bad guy. I call him that Blonde Corporate Douche from Resident Evil 2. It’s the only way I can think to describe him, as his bland look and recycled villainy are that of a hundred lackluster movies. BCD does have one kinda funny trait though, he is completely obsessed with watching Alice fight a mongoloid in a bad rubber suit. Now I’m not saying that I wouldn’t find this entertaining, but if the battleground was scheduled to be blown up by a nuke in less than an hour, I think I could deal with the disappointment of not realizing the dream. But, this guy has a real hard-on for this match.
The fight itself is fucking terrible, and I could keep going on about the sheer shittyness of RE:A, but it would be beating a re-dead un-dead horse. The point is, this movie sucks, but if you saw the first one, you knew this already.
[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]
Milla Jovovich is Alice 2.0. Now With Super Powers!
I will give the film a little credit for actually making it’s main character capable of kicking ass, via bio-enhancements. But my issue resides in the believability of it all. Like I said in my breakdown of part one, I enjoyed the games, so I’m ready, able and willing to suspend disbelief for some goofy shit, but I just can’t accept Milla Jovovich as a badass. Even when she does a bunch of bad-ass things:
-Breaks into a gun store and steals shit
-Breaks into a Harley shop and steals shit (footage missing, but it clearly happened)
-Uses the stolen shit to fuck up a church.
-Shoots a bunch of guns, accurately and with conviction
-Resets a broken finger without screaming like Nancy Kerrigan
-Has a 30 ft vertical
-Kills at least 2 dogs with a cigarette
-Beats up an 8 foot tard with a bitch stick
All of these things scream BAD ASS MUTHA FUCKER! But I don’t believe for a second that Skinny McNeedsasammich is capable of any of it. I’m amazed that she has the energy to walk without assistance, let alone become the hero of a franchise of sci-fi action-horror movies. Maybe if the role of Alice was played by Dina Meyer. Then I wouldn’t have questioned it, but as is, you’d need to crush Alice into dust and slip her in my drink for me to swallow it.
Sienna Guillory is Jill Valentine is My Dream Girl
Her character is introduced by walking past a collage of newspaper clippings displaying her failure as a respectable officer of the law. And she’s at her home. So I already like her. Any person that is not only unashamed of being an asshole, but displays it honorably, is my kind of action hero. Upon hearing that the city is in turmoil via her police radio (I guess she must have missed the chaos in the streets on the drive home), Valentine equips her army boots and gun (which I can only assume is a personal back up, as she is on suspension) and rushes down to the precinct. [Whip-Pan] She’s there and shooting 5 or so unruly prisoners in the face.
There are two possibilities as to how this act came about. 1. On the ride to the precinct, she came to the conclusion that the infected people were, in fact, already dead and simply reanimated flesh-craving meat-bags that must be killed to preserve the lives of the healthy, or 2. She was frustrated with liberal justice bullshit and decided to Dirty Harry the situation by cappin’ some crazy assholes and to Hell with any potential consequences. What are they gonna do, suspend her twice? Yeah, right. Either way, she’s my favorite character from the movies.
[THE BODY COUNT: A SHIT-TON ASS-LOAD]
Fuck counting. The whole city of Toronto gets nuked. They call it Raccoon City, but that’s Toronto. Wikipedia says they have a population of 2.5 million, so there you go. The fucked up thing about this is that (as my amigo Kain pointed out) the game states that Raccoon City was a small mid-western town. 2.5 mill is not small, but fuck trying to call this movie on canon mistakes.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
The deaths seem to have gotten even more pathetic this go-around, but if I have to pick one, I’ll go with the Reporter Chick.
While searching a school for some little girl, Connie Chung gets trapped in a room full of children. If that wasn’t horrifying enough, they appear to be malnourished and in need of naps. The creepy little bastards attack the newswoman and proceed to feast on her insides like hungry children. At least I assume that’s what happens, ‘cuz they pan away from the gore.
[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]
The guys take backseat again, but at least this time we get a big breasted British chick who can’t act instead of a pissed off Mexican one that can’t. Alice teams up with Jill and together they form the duet of PG quality destruction!
Alice is still riding that fence to the finish line. Instead of having flashback fantasies of Rain, it is now of Matt, the other survivor from part one that no one cares about. He is, however, apparently the giant ugly fuck that chases her around in this one, so kudos for remembering him film-team. Anyways, combating her hetero flashbacks are the cold hard facts that she dresses like a biker-dike and fights with her fists closed. This one is a hard nut to crack. Thankfully, there is a part 3, so maybe the answer lies within that gem.
Then of course, there is Sienna, Ah….
As I mentioned above, Jill joins the film by entering her apartment and we are left to assume, due to her attire, that she is getting back from a sexy night of clubbing (fucking) with other women. I feel I can safely jump to this conclusion, as Valentine is A. a female cop. B. acts like an alpha male. C. smokes with matches. D. cusses. E. knows what nuclear bomb yields are. F. has short hair. G. wears combat boots and H. owns a personal hand-cannon. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lesbian. I will, however, admit that in my fantasies, she’s bi and together with Dina Meyer, we have a fuck-a-thon.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
More unnecessarily awkward nudity from Jovovich.
Her chest is like someone stretched a thin white cloth over the metal rings of a spiral notebook and glued pacifier nipples to it. It’s fucked up. And then there are topless zombie strippers. Need I say more?
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
It’s a sad state of affairs when Mike Epps is the best part of your movie. Really sad. But, thems the facts. Epps manages to not only score my favorite moment in the film, but also the one-liner (which happens to come first).
Driving down the street, Epps sees a zombie and floors the accelerator, slamming the car into the unfortunate dead-man.
“GTA, MUTHA FUCKA! Oh, yeah! 10 points!”
And then he crashes his car whilst looking at the aforementioned zombie titties. It’s so fucking cheesy and stupid, how could this not be the best part of the movie?
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Sienna Guillory should make mini-skirt cameos in every shitty movie, if for nothing else than to make my hobby of reviewing them just a little more enjoyable.
[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Resident Evil: Extinction]
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
*Better, there’s one in a church. And the church loses.
