[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Fast & Furious (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo
New Movie. Original, Unoriginal Characters.
[THE EXECUTION]
I hadn’t gone to a FF movie since the first one raped me of my $7.50, back in ‘01. But, that changed this year after watching the trailer for the hunk-of-junk 4th installment, curiously titled, FAST & FURIOUS. Not to be confused with THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS 4, because that shit would be too tired and “played out”.
Teenage Douche-Bag: “What!? There’s four of them!? Fuck that! Let‘s go see the new Will Ferrell movie.”
So to be truly original, they decided to use the first film’s title, but dumbed down a bit for the returning fans. Leading me to believe that if they continue making sequels, we can expect F/F, F² and eventually an unpronounceable F shaped symbol.
Like the tagline suggests, they brought back 4 of the original cast members; Brian, Dom, Jordana Brewster and the sassy Latina from LOST: SEASON 2. And we pick up their story years later, as they are brought back together to work for the man (like in part 2) to uncover a drug smuggling ring and fall back in love with each other (like in part 1) in the process. All while pretending that Brian didn’t go fully gay and start a life in Miami with Tyrese in-between. Much to my dismay.
As for the other two surviving members of Team Toretto, Leon (remember him? No you don’t) and Vince The Alpha Douche?—it is never discussed. But I like to think that after The Douche got released from jail, he met back up with Leon and they both got jobs at Fat Burger, eventually becoming night managers with a brilliant revenue campaign to raise the price of a double-cheese and fries to $3.95—faggots. Anyways, I’m a sucker for returning casts, even when I don’t care for the movies they appear in. I’m weird like that. And speaking of the cast and weird shit, how crazy is it that all of the main actors from the first film were able to return for the third sequel, due to all of their careers having gone tits up? This has to be a first.
One thing that really pissed me off, however, is that they changed some of O’Conner’s story. In part 2, it was unveiled that he let Toretto go (at the end of part 1) for the guilt he felt over not being there for his boyfriend (Tyrese), in his time of need. But now in part 4, he says he did it because Toretto has a code that he respects. Huh? Code? What the fuck—code!?… Steal shit, sell it on the black market, invest the money made in ridiculously stupid and unnecessary modes of transportation, drink Coronas, repeat? What kind of douche-bag bullshit code is that? Or could it be that Dom lives his life a “quarter mile at a time”? They never delve into it. Either way, what a dumbass reason to emulate and respect someone for.
The other big gripe I have to make, is that Justin Lin reverted the racing scenes back to mostly green-screen. Thus cashing in his bonus-points for making part three as practical as an insanely stupid premise can be. The chases are still 100% more exciting than part 1, but I still missed seeing the actual cars being used in actual stunts.
That said, and despite it’s many other retarded flaws (unbelievable story, confusing time-lines, lame jokes, bad music, etc), this is still a pretty good Action film. Shit, the first 7 ½ minutes are easily better than everything done before it in any of the previous films.
Anyways, before I go on too long, I’ll just say that this flick is on par with the last one, as far as enjoy-ability. The best way I can think to describe it is by saying, it’s like a Michael Bay film, but without Michael Bay. Which is to say, it is ludicrous, stupid and full of douche-baggery; yet it is of reasonable length, the action is pretty well shot and there are no dick/fart jokes, racism or overbearing ad-campaigns. So, I didn’t regret spending my money, and for this franchise, that’s the best I could have hoped for. I’d recommend watching it if you like B-Action car flicks or renting crappy movies with a group of friends to mock and destroy like a rental car.
[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]
Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner: The Bad Guy Trying To Be The Good Guy
-Chases down a Mexican criminal on foot and jumps through a window, tacking the gun-wielding fucker off the 3rd floor of a building onto a parked car.
-Pwns a co-worker who has the audacity to touch his shoulder, by slamming his face into a wall and kneeing him in the stomach.
-Shoots some homies with one of their own machine guns.
-Bangs Brewster in the kitchen while her brother is in an adjacent room.
-Survives a bonecrunchingly insane crash that would have killed Evel Knievel at his peak. With only a couple scratches, I might add. And his award for durability? A boot-kick to the face, naturally.
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.
Vin Diesel is Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto: The Greasy Revenge Gorilla
-Drives his car underneath a flaming 75 mile an hour gas-filled freighter.
-Solves a murder by looking at some skid marks and fluid residue, COLD CASE style.
-Holds up an engine block with one arm.
-Blows up his car, and subsequently about five others, by using the old leaky NOS container and push-in car cigarette lighter bit.
-Gets shot in the back, and rather than fall down and start to cry, he just turns around stoically and gets pissed.
-[Read The Most Satisfying Death and Epic Moment Sections]
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.
[THE BODY COUNT: 15, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW]
As one would expect, most are assumed dead in horrific car accidents. But unexpectedly, Brian uses a machine gun to mow down some fuckers in some very rapid PG-13 quick cuts. That was a “nice” surprise. As for novelties, is has a couple. One is Michelle Rodriguez, whom I’m always happy to see go and the other you can read about in the next section.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
Dom finally catches up with his estranged girlfriend’s killer—and drives a car right up his dickhole.
Then he calls the corpse a “Pussy.” Awesome in it’s simplicity, it would be counter intuitive to discuss it further.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Brian’s homoerotic past with his buddy Rome is never mentioned and leaving me to assume he prayed out the gay. Which is forgivable, only because the woman that got him to repent was Jordana Brewster. I could almost see that happening. And as for Vinny-D, he spends the whole film out for revenge over the death of Michelle Rodriguez, who most would consider a woman, so I can’t fault him on that. He does, however, turn down the invitation to go out with (gorilla-fuck) a lithe young thing named Gisele, played by Israeli model, Gal Gadot. Which, aside from her name, is a sexy piece of 105lb. beef tenderloin, that no completely straight man would be able to resist.
But worry not, there is more. About 30 minutes into the film, there is THE cinematic equivalent to what a motor-head dreams about before accidentally creaming his bed sheets. Thick muscley arms gently sanding ruff door panels smooth, then glazing them with love colored paints. A flurry of wrenches, ratchets, hoses and slow loaded engine blocks. Motor oil pouring from a softly squeezed bottle into a gaping funnel hole. Freshly calibrated odometers. More flowing motor oil. NOS canisters crammed into tight fitting brackets. Vin Diesel fucking a gas tank hole [Scene Cut For Time], then drinking a post coitus brewskie (see below picture). Electric lug wrenches screwing in chrome-plated nuts. Some hood slamming. And, of course, the wipe down. Mmm, cars are fucking gay.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
Well, Michelle Rodriquez’s character crashes her car, so naturally she must be put down like a lame horse.
Then ~deep sigh~ once again there are copious amounts of barely clothed skanky race-groupies that I would struggle to find sexy even if I was 12 years-old again, with the house to myself. What is the appeal of stupid slutty vapid shallow tail-gating hoochy-bitches? Seriously, I don’t get it.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Vin Diesel is The Wheelman
Barreling full speed, petal-to-the-metal, toward an explosive-strapped tunnel wall, Dom uses the cavern’s support beams to tear off his pursuer’s passenger-side door, and just before impact, dives into the other guy’s car and throws him out the other side to be turned into road kill by one of his buddies. Not that it matters, as Dom’s Charger causes the whole armada to be engulfed in a fiery explosion when it crashes into the wall.
One-liner: Shortly after completing a drug-run from Mexico to the States, Dom decides to stop his driver-for-hire rouse and in a round about way, unveils why he’s truly there: revenge. He does this by bringing up the Penultimate Villain’s choice in vehicle modifications, which apparently is, for some reason or another, considered a very rude thing to do in public and only ever done as a preemptive to accusing the target of murder.
Dom: “Hey, Bossman…”
Fenix: [Looking shocked, for some reason] “What did you say!?”
Dom: “I said only pussies run nitrometh.”
To which Fenix responds…
HAHAHA! He says it with the inflection of a deeply hurt little girl that is flabbergasted you just admitted to breaching her privacy. It’s hysterical. I seriously don’t think it could have been funnier had he actually said, “You read—my DIARY!?”
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
I would still eat Jordana Brewster’s ass with a baked potato. ~Ohm Nom Nom~
[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[ ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
