[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
DOA: Dead or Alive (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo
ENTER THE DRAGON with more titties and BEST OF THE BEST’s Eric Roberts. SOLD!
[THE EXECUTION]
DOA is “THE best movie adaptation of a video game so far! -Matthew Turner, VIEW LONDON” I concur, Matthew. Big breasted women and a grab bag of goofy looking gay guys fight to see who can earn the right to fight a nonsensical stupid looking boss for some ill-explained reason. That is the “plot” of every single one of the games, so far as I can tell, and this movie is THE perfect transition of that material to another medium of entertainment. And entertain it does. I loved this flick.
If you ever played the Dead or Alive games, (if you’re male and American, I’ll assume you have) you know what the score is. It’s all about blocking and watching some CG titties bounce around. The character storylines make little to no fucking sense. The ending cinematics especially, are so wacky and are complete non sequiturs to the rail-thin back stories given at the beginning, that any attempt to figure out what the fuck is going on is an exercise in futility. For instance, Lei Fang’s ending on DOA4 involves her kicking a guy out the window of a train for accidentally grabbing her tits. OK, it’s funny, but WTF? Another one, Hitomi, dances around her apartment making a salad, then trips and spills it. So, she fought in a competition to the death to—make a fucking salad!? I don’t get it. And if this really is DEAD or ALIVE, why is it that all the characters from each previous entry are still breathing? Did EVERYONE get to pick ALIVE? It’s so fucking stupid you guys, wow. You can look them all up on youtube and I dare you to try understand the ‘Why?’ of it all.
The fact that Corey Yuen bothered at all to make a story out of such silly randomness is admirable, and the fact that he managed to make a funny, beautifully shot and well choreographed action movie out of the whole mess, is a testament to his talent. If you liked the games, you probably already watched this one. But if you didn’t, check it out, it’s pure dumb sexy fun. Just like the games.
[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]
My goodness gracious, where to start!? OK, this is an ensemble flick to say the least, so I’ll try and keep this pretty short and sweet, with some tantalizingly photo’s to distract from the fact that I can’t think of much else to say other than ‘She’s hot’.
Devon Aoki is Kasumi the Shinobi Ninja Princess
Like 1930’s Superman, she’s able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. So, that’s pretty stupi—awesome. She also has the ability to keep getting acting gigs despite having no ability to emote whatsoever. And I find her attractive in that “I want to fuck you with my fist to see if you can make any expression other than complacent boredom” kind of way.
Jamie Pressly is Tina Armstrong the Superstar Pro-Wrestler
Since she’s a wrestler, and able to beat up a team of pirates lead by Liu Kang, my first guess would be ‘roids. But, since she isn’t covered with body hair, and her bewbs look real, I’m going to have to say she just spent a lot of time participating in tractor-pulls and fighting off would-be date rapists. Her southern accent further proves my theory.
Holly Valance is Christie Allen the Assassin & Master Thief
She pwns a room full of feds with nothing but a towel and a handful of cock-teases. But, as for being an “Assassin”, there’s no evidence to support it. So that’s pretty lame. But I forgive her as she makes my pecker stand up and whistle.
Natassia Malthe is Ayane the Ninja Shinobi Killer
Ayane fucking destroys a room full of furniture and performs some epic deforestation with her samurai sword. Since her acting abilities are slightly less atrocious than Devon Aoki’s, I think it’s only fair that she wants to be the center of attention by killing Kasumi dead. And I agree. I for one would rather have Ayane as the main character. And look at those peepers. Lawd have mercy!
Sarah Carter is Helena Douglas the Blonde Rollerblading Goddess
My favorite. She manages to eviscerate a small army of assassins with nothing but a pair of keds and her would-be killers’ discarded weapons. And she’s the only female ballsy enough to take on Eric Roberts one-on-one. She loses, of course, but manages to last about a minute, so I’ll give her an A for effort. Finally, she managed to inadvertently cause my dick skin to chafe. All-in-all, pretty impressive.
[THE BODY COUNT: 1 FOR SURE & 25 OTHERS—MAYBE?]
Since there is not a single drop of blood, it’s kinda hard to gauge this one. On one hand you have dozens of faceless drones getting beaten and knocked down by weapons, many of which are swords, but without a geyser of karo syrup, who’s to say they aren’t just injured or faking it? Counting the bodies that fell before the blade, the body count would be somewhere around 25ish. But that’s assuming all those that fell were indeed cut and succumbed to their wounds. The only for certain death is Eric Roberts, who goes down in a memorable blaze of glory. Like Jesus, only more badass and with slightly better hair.
[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]
There is a reason I created the title of this section with the word SATISFYING as the adverb—for movies like this one. And as such, there is simply no way I could go for any-other fight than…
Christie vs. Helena
It’s an all out grudge match on a beach, during a rain storm. Did I mention that they are wearing bikinis? Well, they are. Barely. And this isn’t just your everyday internet vid of two skanks pulling one-another’s hair in a parking lot, this is a work of masturbatory art. Corey Yuen can frame a fucking scene, man. Every second is a snapshot and worthy of self gratification. If I had had this movie when I was 12, I think my dick might have fallen off. Oh, as for the winner—not sure, I quite paying attention after I came. But regardless, the true winner is the audience.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Matthew Marsden is Max the Pretty Boy Poser
He pretends to be interested in Christie, but he is quite clearly a gay and only using her to score money to pay for high-quality cocaine and male escorts. Look at that face and tell me I’m wrong.
Brain J. White is Zack the Chocolate Thunder
His hairstyle of choice is a green tuft of phallic-shaped hair on the tip of his forehead. If that doesn’t convince you of his gay, he also wears chick pants with flames on them. They try to show him off as a ladies-man, but the only woman he gravitates toward is Tina, the most butch of the bunch. And it’s never stated, but I think he might have picked her to get closer to her father. In fact, I’m sure of it.
Derek Boyer is Bayman the Bodyguard With Benefits
I believe Bay-Man to be Eric Robert’s boy-toy. He is always on-hand to do whatever is asked from his master and is built for little else than bar-fights and gorilla fucking, so I’m pretty sure my assumptions are correct.
Silvio Simac is Leon…
Yup.
Kevin Nash is Bass Armstrong the Alpha Grizzly
HaHaHa—Holy shit! OK, lets start with the name: Bass Armstrong. If ever there was a perfect porno name, wow. And talk about the poster boy for BEAR. I’m convinced Tina was adopted. There is no way this man’s penis has ever been inside a woman. Not with that hair and those muscles. He’d rip the poor girl in two. Nope, this guy is way to macho to fuck anything outside of other burly men and large stock-yard animals.
All the other guys in the movie are either a-sexual Asians or Eric Roberts. But there is some girl-on-girl action that can be considered for entertainment sake.
Exhibit A: I call this piece, BE GENTLE…
Exhibit B: At one point Christie beds down with Tina for one reason or another (scissor action) and when Tina’s father walks in on them, he “misconstrues” (assesses correctly) the situation. Christie doesn’t like to bullshit though, and against Tina’s wishes, puts the lesbo cards on the table. Tasty.
As for the rest of the girl-girl action, all you have to do is wait and watch, ‘cuz every minute or two, some gorgeous hard-body will walk across the screen jiggling in a bikini. All-in-all, this film might just pass-off as soft-core lesbo porn.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
Aside from guys beating up women, the film is an instructional video for female empowerment. Knee to the groin! Knee to the groin! Knee to the groin! But, then again—there is a bunch of guys beating on women… This one is a tough call. I do have an ace up my sleeve to decide the matter however. I work at a video store, and when this movie went on sale I talked with a lesbian couple that called it “One of the best Girl-Kicking-Ass movies of all time.” If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Absolutely have to go with Leon’s battle against Kasumi. Not the whole thing though, just the part where he introduces himself. The one-liners are weak as shit in this movie, and the best you get happens to be in this scene:
Leon: [Busting in Kasumi’s door] “Room service!”
Pretty lame, I know. But what happens next totally makes up for it. After destroying some of her furniture and laughing off her best attempts to hurt him with her skinny little girl arms, he flexes his muscles and I swear to shit, you hear the sound of two shotguns being racked! Talk about a gun show. And look at those veins… Holy Fuck.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
It takes 5 Defense-Class Trained Women, 2 Male Karate Masters, 1 Computer Wiz and an Atomic Blast to take out Eric Roberts…
Don’t Fuck With Eric Roberts
[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]
[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle*
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] woManly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[ ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)**
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
*It’s a raft, and only slightly bobbing, but it still counts.
**Kind of, 4 of the characters are put into these chambers that sap their powers and allow Eric Roberts to download them into his sunglasses—Yeah, this movie is awesome.
