Top Ten Reasons I Don’t Like Making Year-End Top Ten Lists


Top Ten 2010 Films, That For Some Dumbass Reason Weren’t Widely Released In 2010–That I’m Looking Forward To Seeing


Su Qi-Er a.k.a True Legend

10. Su Qi-Er a.k.a True Legend

I don’t know much about this one, other than that Woo-ping is in the director’s chair, so it’s already a must see for me. According to IMDb poster Sam Sung-Sang, however,  …

Su Qi-Er retired from his life as a renowned Qing dynasty general in order to pursue his dream of a family and his own martial arts school. However, Su’s peaceful life is shattered when his vengeful adopted brother, Yuan Lie, kidnaps his son and leaves Su for dead. Saved from his demise by his wife Ying and the reclusive doctor Yu, Su resolves to perfect his technique so that he may defeat Yuan Lie and reunite his family. Aided by the mystical “God of Wushu” and the eccentric “Old Sage,” Su masters the art of Drunken Boxing, and embarks on the path that would eventually give rise to the legend of the “King of Beggars.”

Hmm, OK. Oh, and Yu is played by Michelle Yeoh. SOLD.

Tomorrow, When the War Began

09. Tomorrow, When the War Began

Ever since MGM’s tits went dry and the remake of Red Dawn was cast into limbo with James Bond and all my hopes and dreams, I’ve been keeping tabs on this Aussie import about a group of teens that—Well, the story is based on—It’s the Australian Red Dawn, there’s no better or more accurate way to put it. Apparently the book series is uber popular with you youngsters, but I’m more motivated by hot young assertive ladies and their cannon-fodder boyfriends taking care of invading business on the big screen. Be it really shitty or surprisingly good,  it sounds like an entertainment win to me.

Da bing xiao jiang a.k.a. Little Big Soldier

08. Da bing xiao jiang a.k.a. Little Big Soldier

Hot off of his stellar run of American films: The Spy Next Door, The Karate Kid, The Forbidden Kingdom…. Kung Fu Panda 2–What the fuck, Why!? Jackie returns to the land of GOOD movies, Hong Kong, for a film 20 years in the making. Well, not really, but Jackie originally had the idea for a story about two enemy soldiers, one old and one young, that journey together, back when Chan planned on being ‘the young’.  Sounds all fine and well, but the only reason I need to watch a Jackie Chan film is that it has Jackie Chan and isn’t made for American children.

The Eagle Path

07. The Eagle Path

Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Older-Jean-Claude Van Damme in a movie in which Jean-Claude Van Damme surely kicks people in fits of rage and vengeance. When THE FUCK is this coming out, JC? We’ve been waiting for something like two years… I have a fever–and the only prescription is more split-kicks and violence. Seriously, Van Damme’s last crop of films have been stellar and while early reviews suggest that this one isn’t up-to-par, I say: can’t be worse than the crap released during ‘the coke-years‘. So, don’t make us wait for a DTV-name changed-exploitative-riding on the coattails of The Expendables 2-cash in, appease your fans and bring on your hot daughter bring on the Eagle!

Black Death

06. Black Death

Now THIS is what Season Of The Witch should have shot for. A violent, filthy, puke-spattered dark ages action film with promises of gruesome death, destruction and depression. And not just because Sean Bean is the lead. But seriously, this genre has been making a small bit of a comeback lately after being hammered into oblivion by the overly-homoerotic 80s saturation, what with underrated gems like Valhalla Rising and Wolfhound (and, gods willing, the new Conan), and I hope that this one can be added to the list.

Jûsan-nin no shikaku a.k.a. 13 Assassins

05. Jûsan-nin no shikaku a.k.a. 13 Assassins

Takashi Miikie directs an epic period piece about a group of samurai warriors hellbent on a suicide mission to kill an evil warlord. Fuck Yeah, amirite!? How could this not be amazing? While I haven’t seen a Miikie film since 2007’s most excellent Sukiyaki Western Django, he’s still a director that I make a point to check in on every so often. As while I don’t really care for most of his films, I end up thinking and talking about them quite regularly and with a plot set-up like this one has, I think this has high potential to be one of his films I end up recommending because it’s really awesome and not just because it’s really fucked up.

En ganske snill mann a.k.a. A Somewhat Gentle Man

04. En ganske snill mann a.k.a. A Somewhat Gentle Man

Gritty comedic crime flicks are my bread and butter, and since Guy Richie has consigned himself to making another surely mediocre Holmes film instead of The Real Rocknrolla, at least the Norwegians seem to have the year covered. Yeah, the Norwegians. Who’d a thunk it? But, just judging from the trailer, this one looks like a blast of violent black comedy that’s been sadly lacking since–Perrier’s Bounty –Jesus, it’s been two years… This one seriously needs to get stateside, NOW.

Chow Yun-Fat

03. Fat Films: Confucius, Let The Bullets Fly and Shanghai

OK, so technically I’m cheating here by cramming three-in-one, but it has been a seriously LONG time since Chow has put out anything good. Sure, Children Of The Huang Shi was decent and I personally loved the third Pirates movie–but Chow was critically under used in both and I just really want to see my favorite actor put out something great again. And though my hopes are not high on this American released limbo trio, I fail to believe that at least Shanghai, a 40s style mystery/romance won’t entertain me to the fullest.

Jianyu a.k.a. Reign of Assassins

02. Jianyu a.k.a. Reign of Assassins

John Woo directs (jointly with some guy named Chao-Bin Su) Michelle Yeoh in a tale about an uber assassin on a journey to–you know what? They had me at John Woo. Simply put, this movie has my nads thoroughly pumped and aching for the sweet wargasmie release of stylized violence. May have to get my hands on a bootleg, if this takes much longer to make it over-seas.

Akmareul boatda a.k.a. I Saw The Devil

01. Akmareul boatda a.k.a. I Saw The Devil

Byung-hun Lee stars as a secret agent tracking down a serial killer who murdered his wife-to-be. Directed by Ji-woo Kim. Does this need further explanation? Kim’s last three films were so good, I’d follow him onto a comic book adaptation with bedazzled signs and banners of pre-screened praise. And this isn’t a lame ass Super-Hero movie, it’s a gritty crime thriller. I can’t wait.

AND The Top Ten Seven First Quarter Of 2011 Films That I’m Looking Forward To Seeing–So Far…


07. Hanna -April 8-

Hit-Girl, the drama. Sure, it’s PussyGay-13, but I can’t help but be intrigued by the trailer. As of the time of this writing, I have yet to see The Lovely Bones, in which the young actress who plays the title character, Saoirse Ronan, made her big debut, but she has an awesome name and a cute ‘you can trust me’ face that could lead to some cool killings, so I’ll check it out. Plus, it’s really hard for me to pass up stories about assassins. I did it last year in skipping The American, and low-and-behold, it’s currently my favorite movie of 2010.

Also, this film could be a nice precursor or “The A-Team” to “The Expendables” for September’s Colombiana (which I’ll talk about later on in the year, as the release date comes closer)

Fast Five

06. Fast Five -April 29-


Scream 4

05. Scream 4 -April 15-

Holy mother of fuck–this had better be rated R, that’s all I want and I’ll be there. I missed out on seeing the original trilogy in theaters, but became an avid fan of ‘Ghostface’ on video and DVD. The series is a standout, brilliant satire on the Slasher movie genre, that TRUE fans of the genre appreciate and understand. (read: FUCK Scary Movie) With a cast as long as Courteney Cox’s pre-nup’, including the return of Neve Campbell and her big-ass teeth and Wes back in the D-Chair, I’m for certain going to be there opening night to soak in the next generation of teenage (read: 30 something) blood. Especially Emma Roberts ~drool~ Even if she hadn’t been produced by Eric’s coke-fueled sack-o-lore, I’d still hit that like the fist of an angry god.

Sucker Punch

04. Sucker Punch -March 25-

Hot Chicks-Check. Guns and Samurai Swords–Check. Dragons and Robots–Check. The Director Of Watchmen, Dawn Of The Dead and 300–Check. This could very well be THE greatest fan-service film of all time–ALL TIME. Or, it could completely and utterly suck rusty robot-bunny balls. But, I know I’ll be there first hand to discover which it will be, even if–oh please, no–it gets a dreaded PG-13… In which case, I hate myself already.

The Mechanic

03. The Mechanic -January 28-

Jason Statham hasn’t made a truly great film in over 10 years. So why do I keep paying to see him? Because he’s made a bunch of entreatingly awful ones. And he’s so Handsome. But this film could be different, this film is a remake of one of Charlie Bronson’s finest , about a hitman, his protégé and the strife between said relationship. Ben Foster plays the apprentice, and there could not be a better choice, as I personally believe that he’s the finest actor under 35 that’s out there. And when teamed up with Statham on a mission to kill–how could this not be a good time? Plus, Simon ‘Con Air’ West is directing. “Now that’s something you don’t see every day…”

Drive Angry

02. Drive Angry (shot in) 3D -February 25-

Nic Cage plays an un-dead rebel from Hell who teams up with Amber Heard in Daisy Dukes’, on a mission of vengeance to annihilate the men who wronged his family by killing them with, amongst other things, his car—in True 3D. Simply outstanding, and I hate 3D.

Kill The Irishman

01. Kill The Irishman -March 11-

Remember what I wrote above about A Somewhat Gentle Man, well Kill The Irishman looks like THIS years version–only better. The true story of an Irish thug who takes on the mob in 1970’s Cleveland, who refuses to fucking die as he tears them apart like Lisa in The Room. Staring Ray Stevenson as the mick and Christopher Walken as the mob guy. Not to mention Vinnie Jones, Robert Davi and Edgar (Vinnie D’) co-star. Cussing, fighting, killing and explosions ensue in what I’m sure will be one of my favorite films of next year.

See you at the movies ~RANTBO