The Fast and the Bi-Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Fast and the Furious (2001): Breakdown by Rantbo Undercover douche-bag cop bonds with criminal douche-bags over shiny douche-mobiles. [THE EXECUTION] I’ll start by saying this really isn’t my type of action. I really don’t give a shit about cars and have little to no interest in watching a bunch of jag-offs drive … Read moreThe Fast and the Bi-Curious

Police Story: Part II: Jungle Gyms and Fireworks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Police Story: Part II a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si juk jaap (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo Jackie Chan is still a cop, is still fighting Hong Kong crime. [THE EXECUTION] The film opens with Chan being stripped of his Inspector’s badge, forced back into a uniform and assigned to direct traffic. That’s what you … Read morePolice Story: Part II: Jungle Gyms and Fireworks

Bronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Bronx Executioner a.k.a. Il giustiziere del Bronx (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~ [THE EXECUTION] The “film” is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn’t take place in the … Read moreBronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately

The Butcher: I’ll Take A 95min Uncut Chunk Of Raw Action Meat, Please.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Butcher (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo Aging mob enforcer is forced out to pasture. Takes the rest of the herd with him. [THE EXECUTION] Much like Eric Roberts, Merle ‘The Butcher’ is an aging all-but-forgotten badass on the verge of forced retirement. A one-time prize-fighter and current mob enforcer, Merle is counting the … Read moreThe Butcher: I’ll Take A 95min Uncut Chunk Of Raw Action Meat, Please.

The Old Indiana Jones Adventures: Part One

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo Indiana fights Chinese gangsters, becomes a zombie, whips some cult ass and saves a large group of malnourished children from manual labor. [THE EXECUTION] Shanghai, 1935 and in a classic Bondian fashion, Indiana Jones is finishing up a un-filmed mission in China. … Read moreThe Old Indiana Jones Adventures: Part One

Battle Creek Bore

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Big Brawl a.k.a. Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Breakdown by Kain424 In an alternate 1930s America, where Chinese men can become wealthy doctors and date Caucasian women without it causing a stir, Jackie Chan must enter a fighting tournament to win back his brother’s kidnapped mail-order wife.  Also, there’s a roller derby for … Read moreBattle Creek Bore

Spider-Man: Issue #1: Monologues And Origins

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Spider-Man (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes a lucrative franchise. [THE EXECUTION] I’d like to think that most people reading this would at least be familiar with the story of Spider-Man’s origin, which is … Read moreSpider-Man: Issue #1: Monologues And Origins

Scowlface

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Scarface (1983): Breakdown by Kain424 Cuban refugee kills his way to the top of the cocaine world but remains an annoying moron throughout.  Carnage and unintentional hilarity ensue. [THE EXECUTION] Scarface is a movie that bounces back and forth between being immensely entertaining and terribly boring.  The film is essentially about rising to … Read moreScowlface