{"id":964,"date":"2009-05-25T21:50:35","date_gmt":"2009-05-26T03:50:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=964"},"modified":"2009-05-25T21:50:35","modified_gmt":"2009-05-26T03:50:35","slug":"lone-wolf-mchairychest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/lone-wolf-mchairychest\/","title":{"rendered":"Lone Wolf McHairyChest"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h2>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Texas Ranger drinks beer, kills filthy Mexicans and fights Caine from KUNG FU. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

If you see only one Chuck Norris<\/a> film, see INVASION U.S.A.<\/a>. If you see two, make sure the second one is THE HITMAN<\/a> or I guess, LONE WOLF McQUADE<\/a>. Which ever one your video store happens to have.<\/p>\n

While not playing the same character (in name only), LONE WOLF McQUADE is the birth of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. The role of a glorified redneck policeman, so manly, one film could not contain the macho aspirations of Chuck\u2019s ass-hugger jean-strangled libido. Oh no, it would take 9 seasons and over 200 episodes more of Texas Ranger gold to satisfy Norris\u2019s fascist lust for backwoods power.<\/p>\n

McQUADE is a surprisingly good (well, so BAD it\u2019s good) action movie, especially considering it was made the same year the Ewoks dominated the hearts and minds of moviegoers. The film features multiple bloody shootouts, tons of patented Chuck Norris beatdowns, a bitchin\u2019 chase sequence and according to Wikipedia, John Milius helped to write the screenplay (which explains a lot).<\/p>\n

Some of the elements didn\u2019t make for good memories though. The score for one. It\u2019s like a mix between a 70s Morricone spaghetti-western composition and an 80s John Carpenter piece. Like pizza and oral sex, both are great when on their own, but together they just make a stinky sloppy mess. The other issue I have is the length. Sure the movie is under 2 hours, but for the story it had to tell, it shouldn\u2019t have been longer than 90 minutes. These aren\u2019t big problems, but they did keep me from having a consistent murder-boner.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris’s Actual Dick, Ladies–or Rather, Gentlemen.<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

Chuck Norris is Texas Ranger Jim \u201cJ.J.\u201d McQuade<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

McQuade is essentially a macho 1980\u2019s revision of Popeye The Sailor. Instead of trying to keep the Bruno character away from his woman, he\u2019s trying to keep himself from fucking Bruno and instead of being a sailor, McQuade is an equally as gay cowboy.\u00a0 Example: After being beaten and buried alive in his suped-up bronco, McQuade alleviates his weakened state and regains his God-like power by downing most of a can of beer and pouring the rest over his hairy face, equally hairy chest and even a little on the truck’s upholstery . Got that!? Beer is to Norris as Spinach is to Popeye! Fully recharged with rot-gut alcohol, McQuade is able to drive his truck out of a 15 foot hole in the ground, not only defying physics with the force of his power-drinking, but also managing to road-kill one of his would-be dispatchers upon topside re-entry. Fucking outstanding.<\/p>\n

Also, if John Milius and Bill O\u2019Reilly shared a home together, I can\u2019t imagine it being more overtly manly and conservative (respectively) than McQuade\u2019s shanty. It features it\u2019s own shooting gallery, it\u2019s own garbage dump (essentially anywhere, including the living room floor), and the fridge is stocked with NOTHING but generic brand beer. But that\u2019s not all. It also has more firearms than a third-world country, more dead animals than a road-kill depository and more hunting trophies and patriotic decor than Ted Nugent and Kid Rock\u2019s mansions combined. It\u2019s the ultimate Right-Wingers palace. A fitting hacienda for the militant bad-ass it shelters. In fact, I bet that they just filmed it at Milius’s real life crib.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 70ISH]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

About 7 of the 70 are feds or policemen, but the rest are all dirty Mexicans and white-trash goons.\u00a0 Oh, and a dog. Chuck himself wastes 26<\/a> of the evil bastardos, mostly with guns, but he also uses his truck, a grenade and flips a guy off a building. But, the real surprising guy here is Kayo, McQuade\u2019s partner. That little fucker takes out AT least as many as Chuck, if not more. Quite surprising considering what a puss he was.
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s REALLY short, but I really dig this one kill Chuck does on a random guy. Trying to escape with his daughter and female love interest, McQuade is stopped on some stairs by a guy with a gun. Without missing a beat, Norris round-houses the stupid bastard AND blasts him with a shotgun before he even hit\u2019s the ground. It was pretty sweet.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Norris struts around bare-chested for most of the film, including a sequence of shirtless weapon discharging, while sweatily rolling around in the dirt, whilst being spied on by wanna-be Cub, Kayo \u2018The Greaser’ Ramos. So that\u2019s more than average right there. But oh, there is more…<\/p>\n

At one point, Chuck and his boyfriend Dakota are discussing what it might be like to actually have a relationship with a woman when God intervenes and put\u2019s McQuade\u2019s daughter\u2019s life in peril. That\u2019s what happens when you entertain thoughts not permitted by the Gods of 80s action. This trend continues throughout the film as every time McQuade meets with a lady, someone he loves is beaten and\/or killed. His daughter, her boyfriend, McQuade\u2019s boyfriend, his female love-interest herself and shit, even his dog. This is the 1980\u2019s Chuck, dicks DO NOT belong inside women. They belong in your pants or in another man\u2019s ass. Don\u2019t forget it, or the offspring of your past transgression shall be forfeit to join your dog, your lady friend and your male-lover in Hell.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

No–NO! I LIKE WOMEN! I LIKE WOMEN!!!<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

McQuade does end up kissing the aforementioned woman, several times, but he always does it with a closed mouth, much the same way a gay man would kiss a woman he was friends with to say hello. And it never goes further than this, at least on-screen. He might have touched a boob to warrant the death of so many of his loved ones, but it was never shown. Maybe it was cut out of the final print to make the Gods seem just a little more strict and imposing. But sadly, there is no director\u2019s commentary to verify my assumptions.<\/p>\n

Aside from all that, LONE WOLF manages to have some of the most (in quantity and quality) homoerotically suggestive dialogue I\u2019ve ever heard. Examples\u2026<\/p>\n

McQuade:<\/span> What are you doing here?
\nKayo:<\/span> I came to wake you up–I\u2019m your new partner, remember?<\/strong><\/p>\n

McQuade:<\/span> Supercharge THIS!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wilkes:<\/span> I understand you\u2019re VERY good with your hands and feet?
\nMcQuade:<\/span> Pretty good\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

Kayo: <\/span>You\u2019re making a real habit of saving my ass\u2026
\nMcQuade:<\/span> You take a good punch kid.
\nDakota:<\/span> Now I\u2019ll take Ol\u2019 Hamburger Face home and patch \u2018im up!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dakota:<\/span> [Staring At McQuade\u2019s Dick] Can I borrow that contraption?\u2026~wink~ (SERIOUSLY!!!)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Midget: <\/span>[Holding Up His Gun(Penis)] As you can see, mine\u2019s bigger!
\nMcQuade:<\/span> [Cocks His Hammer Back] Mine\u2019s Loaded.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Midget:<\/span> \u2026I will enjoy watching the game.
\nMcQuade:<\/span> It may be a game to you Falcon, but if I find out you\u2019re playing, I\u2019m gonna have your little ass.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dakota: <\/span>[To Kayo] You\u2019re going to have a marvelous hand, an excellent hand, unfortunately it\u2019s going to be slightly inferior to mine–but you are GOING to like it!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wilkes:<\/span> [Ripping Off A Piece Of McQuade\u2019s Shirt] Something to remember you by.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shirtless Redneck:<\/span> Remember ME, Greaser?
\nKayo:<\/span> Yeah, I never forget an asshole.<\/strong><\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

As I mentioned above, every time a woman tries to take a man away from hanging out with other men, she is either attacked or killed. McQuade\u2019s daughter does end up escaping being raped, but she is shot in the leg by some filthy brown fellow and punched in the face by Wilkes. And McQuade\u2019s female love interest is shot in the gut a minute or two before the end of the film, making it seem almost tacked on as an after thought. I can imagine the filmmakers discussion on the matter\u2026 \u201cYou know, if she lives, everyone will assume that McQuade makes a life with her now that Dakota is gone\u2026 –\u201cHmmm, well–shoot her in the stomach then. Just make sure Chuck is greased up and looking foxy!\u201d Take that, evil vagina!
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Most of the kills in this movie are just run-of-the-mill shoot and fall-down in the dirt. And I don\u2019t quite know about this being so much satisfying, as I kinda liked the gay old bastard, but Dakota meets his maker by way of Carradine\u2019s character crushing his throat with his foot. ~CRUNCH~ Regardless of whether he had it coming or not, it was pretty cool.<\/p>\n

As for the one-liner–Jesus, this film didn\u2019t have shit. Sure, there are tons of quotable gay-dialogue, but nothing really jumped out as bad-ass in this one. Norris has always been rather weak when it comes to verbally emasculating his victims. But, if I have to pick one, I guess I\u2019ll go with the \u201clittle ass\u201d line I listed above. If for nothing else it makes me think of Chuck fucking a disabled midget in the ass against his will. And that\u2019s funny.<\/p>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Everything\u2019s bigger in Texas–especially the Bears<\/a>. <\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 5 outta 5]<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

MINE’S LOADED.<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

[X] Facial Hair
\n[X] Jumps\/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
\n[X] <\/strong><\/strong>Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Shows Off His Hairy Chest
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Sports Some Cowboy Getup<\/h3>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[\u00a0 ] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[\u00a0 ] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[\u00a0 ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[\u00a0 ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

[flashvideo filename=videos\/GayWolfMcQueer.wmv.FLV \/]<\/p>\n

Lone Wolf McQuade<\/strong> rights held by MGM\/UA<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo Texas Ranger drinks beer, kills filthy Mexicans and fights Caine from KUNG FU. [THE EXECUTION] If you see only one Chuck Norris film, see INVASION U.S.A.. If you see two, make sure the second one is THE HITMAN or I guess, LONE WOLF McQUADE. Which ever … Read moreLone Wolf McHairyChest<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1253],"class_list":["post-964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-rant-review-lone-wolf-mcquade"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/964","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=964"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/964\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=964"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=964"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=964"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}