![\"The](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/The-Losers.jpg\" "\\"The")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The Losers. <\/strong>A movie so bad, it killed my boner for Zoe Saldana. No small feat I assure you. I even found her fuckable as that big cerulean cat-clown thing in that James Cameron movie. On the positive side, I don\u2019t think they could have picked a more appropriate title. Easy joke aside, I\u2019m serious. I don\u2019t see ANYone involved with this movie winning. Not the filmmakers, not the cast, not the audience, not even Speed 2<\/strong>\u2019s Jason Patric. And fuck knows, he\u2019s one step away from being on Dancing With The Stars Season 10.<\/p>\n Now I\u2019m not going to say I was disappointed, as that would have required some sort of positive expectations. Of which I had none.\u00a0 Thanks in large part to the trailer, in which they give away the best gag of the film: a sequence involving an unarmed man, two finger-guns and a hidden sniper\u2026You know, like in Crank<\/strong>. That old movie from four years ago… And to reiterate, that was the best these filmmakers had to offer in this men-on-a-mission send up.<\/p>\n Now while I\u2019m not sure this picture was intended as a spoof of the great films of this genre (McBain<\/strong>, Men Of War<\/strong>, Rambo<\/strong>, etc), I don\u2019t see any other way of interpreting the poorly constructed goofiness that permeated the story like Zoe Saldana\u2019s rib-cage permeated her tank-top (someone get that girl a sammich). Oh, and yes, the above picture is of the previously forgivable, Chris Evans. An actor I\u2019ve consistently liked, despite his track record: The Perfect Score<\/strong>, Cellular<\/strong>, Fantastic Four<\/strong>, Fantastic Four Again<\/strong>, Street Kings<\/strong>\u2026 you get the idea. Yet even he pushed the boundaries of my patience on this one. But, I\u2019m getting ahead of myself. First, allow me to try and recount the plot.<\/p>\n Jason Patric, having been last seen in _____(?), is a corrupt CIA agent named Max. Who hires a team of soldiers(?), mercs(?)\u2014men with guns, dubbed the Losers to take out a child kidnapping drug lord. A deed they more-or-less complete in the pre-credits sequence. However, the twist is, Max betrays them and tries to have them all blown up. Yet, unbeknownst to him, he fails and the Losers become one hot-chick team-up away from a poorly conceived revenge plot to kill this insidious villain. Which [SPOILERS]<\/strong> they fail to do.<\/span> [END SPOILERS]<\/strong>. Now while I regularly enjoy myself a paper-thin plotline about revenge, I think I\u2019m entitled to at least ONE of the following aspects to spur interest and enjoyment: #1.<\/strong> A badass main character(s) and or a charismatic antagonist. #2.<\/strong> Gratuitous violence, language and machismo. And\/or, #3.<\/strong> An action-packed story that takes itself seriously, allowing the comic relief to be encapsulated in the awesomeness.\u00a0 The Losers<\/strong> fails on all three accounts.<\/p>\n First, let’s deconstruct the title team:<\/p>\n Jeffery Dean Morgan is Clay:<\/strong> For someone that\u2019s supposed to be the foundation of this motley crew, Morgan seems to have laid out the team with mud-paste and marshmallows, leaving the concrete and shrapnel for Stallone. I\u2019m guessing he saw an advanced trailer of The Expendables<\/strong> and figured, \u201cShit, why bother?\u201d. And I like Jeff. But, man, does this guy look tired. Every scene involving actual action (of which there are few), Morgan looks like he\u2019s on his fifteenth take and wants nothing more than a glass of warm milk and a nap. Which is fine, if that\u2019s what the filmmakers were going for, but it certainly ISN\u2019T badass. And in a movie about a team of mercs, you have to have a rock for a leader. The Losers, sadly, do not.<\/p>\n Idis Elba is Roque:<\/strong> Every team needs it\u2019s conflicting asshole, so why not the buffest, baddest black man of the bunch? Well, because the guy is a whiner. That impressive scar he houses over his right eye can\u2019t mask the watery streams barely being contained behind those pretty brown eyes. A specialist in knives (apparently), an impressive set of muscles, an intimidating stare and they made this<\/em> guy the bitch? I don\u2019t understand. Jesse Ventura\u2019s Blain didn\u2019t have time to bleed. This guy didn\u2019t have time to change his tampon and the result was tears of blood.<\/p>\n Columbus Short is Pooch:<\/strong> As in \u201cscrewed, the\u201d.\u00a0 You know that one guy on the team in all those men-on-a-mission movies that spends the whole movie talking about his beautiful wife, and unborn child? \u2018Cuz I sure don\u2019t. Shane Black\u2019s Hawkins had a girlfriend with a pussy the size of a house and that\u2019s ALL we got to know about her and for good reason: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. What the hell is a family man doing in a squad of elite special ops killers? Sorry to keep bringing up Predator<\/strong> as a comparison. I know it isn\u2019t fair, but the juxtaposition from that to this is just so shocking to me. When did this genre become so emotional and family friendly? The story is about a band of killers, who got betrayed, yet live to kill their betrayer. I don\u2019t want one of the main characters talking about his fucking family, unless his family is kidnapped, killed or a catalyst for the mission at hand. And in-between a bunch of un-funny banter, that\u2019s all this guy does in the movie. Tell it to Dr. Phil, fucko, I don\u2019t wanna hear it. Drive the car, with your stupid Chihuahua bobblehead go-to gag and shut the hell up. Stoic\u2026 does this word mean anything anymore?<\/p>\n Oscar Jaenada is Cougar: <\/strong>Ah, the Loser who doesn\u2019t run his mouth like a high school track-meet. In fact, he\u2019s so quiet and reserved, all we end up learning about him is that he doesn\u2019t like it when people touch his stupid looking hat. Despite this, well, this AND the fact that he isn\u2019t a sexy middle-aged woman as his name would imply, I found Cougar to be the most likable loser of the bunch.\u00a0 However, as far as snipers go, he is still a farcry from Navy SEALs<\/strong>\u2019 God, or even Rambo<\/strong>\u2019s Schoolboy.<\/p>\n Chris Evans is Jensen is Ryan Reynolds:<\/strong> I haven\u2019t seen comedic strain like this since Deadpool in X-Men: Origins<\/strong>. Oh, wait. I already used up the Ryan Reynolds joke in the first part of this character breakdown…Fuck it, I\u2018m leaving it in. The normally charming and likable Evans is so busy trying to compensate for all the faults of this project, the poor guy is running on empty. Un-funny joke after un-funny joke, after un-funny sight gag, after lame t-shirt gag, after un-funny joke, after\u2014ANOTHER T-SHIRT GAG!? Oh, fuck you, movie! I seriously can\u2019t believe I couldn\u2019t even enjoy him in this movie. I even liked Evans in Not Another Teen Movie<\/strong>, and that movie blew goats.<\/p>\n And there you have it, The Losers. And I\u2019m supposed to believe that these guys are our government\u2019s go-to black ops team of uber-trained killers? Buhl\u2014shit.<\/p>\n Moving on. Now that I\u2019ve established my disinterest and disgust with the L-Team, let\u2019s take a look at the other two main characters, Zoe Saldana\u2019s Aisha and Jason Patric\u2019s Max. Ladies first\u2026<\/p>\n So I haven\u2019t seen Jason Patric vamp like this since Lost Boys (roll on snare drum)! But seriously, he couldn\u2019t have been any more annoying without at least one of the producers calling for a re-write. Max\u2019s entire character can be boiled down to two defining traits: #1.<\/strong> A knack for saying\/creating the most uncomfortably awkward acts of failed intended comedy I’ve seen in years and #2.<\/strong> A scarred and gloved hand which is never explained. A homage to Dr. Claw perhaps, I don\u2019t know. A man who doesn\u2019t bat an eye to slaughtering children and who actually kills a woman for allowing his umbrella to be caught for a second by a breeze, should not be this embarrassingly goofy and un-threatening.<\/p>\n On to Aisha. The movie\u2019s sole source of estrogen is also, oddly enough, the driving force of the film\u2019s machismo. Problem is, her 75lbs of wildcat ferocity doesn\u2019t rear it\u2019s sassy little head until well into the third act. And by then it\u2019s too little too late. Her one big B-A defining scene (spoiled in the trailer), in which she pointlessly fires a rocket into a precariously explosive pile of garbage (apparently for nothing more than a distraction), is so ridiculously and un-apologetically inserted to affirm her badassness, it\u2019s just shy of painful. And that\u2019s before one of the losers says something to the effect of \u201cNow that\u2019s a badass chick!\u201d Just in case you didn\u2019t get it, audience.<\/p>\n Here’s another thing that pissed me off with her. [SPOILERS] <\/strong>Why was her character fucking Clay? She KNEW that he was involved in her father\u2019s death. She had already infiltrated his crew and was in the position to find out the truth, sooo why would she screw a guy she assumed shot her father? It wasn\u2019t to remain undercover, because she\u2019s the one who initiated the sex. This makes my brain angry. [END SPOILERS]<\/strong><\/p>\n The director Sylvain White\u2019s previous work includes the surely stellar Stomp the Yard<\/strong> and the DTV second sequel I\u2019ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer<\/strong>. To which I was actually surprised. I seriously expected a long list of garbage for MTV, as this guy\u2019s style is straight up Music Video Action. Quick cuts, pointless slow-motion combined with unnecessary zooms, and loud annoying music blasting over every second of it. A style that is tolerable for about 3 minutes.\u00a0 It\u2019s fast, it\u2019s safe and it\u2019s all too clear this guy doesn\u2019t get action.<\/p>\n Then again, it might not all be his fault. As I\u2019m sure you all know, The Losers<\/strong> is based on a popular DC Vertigo comic book by a guy named Andy Diggle. Personally, I\u2019ve never read it, but I know people who have and they\u2019ve confirmed it is written for a mature (read: R-Rated) audience. And thus the story was obviously neutered to appeal to the dreaded soccer mommies and daddies. And while I am unsure as to whether or not the film was shot with an R rating in mind, the editing seems to sway in the favor that it was, \u2018cuz BOY is it choppy. All the violent acts and deaths in this film are downplayed to ridiculously sterile conditions. Cleanliness by way of quick cutting. Bodies disappear after being bloodlessly shot quicker than a last-gen James Bond videogame. In fact the only crimson liquid I seem to recall was in the swollen eye of one of the losers. Hooray!\u2026? And this is why the movie fails so hard, in my opinion. Cartoonie freeze-frame effects to soften the body falls, two-second sleeper-hold moves instead of broken necks and vehicles full of people explode where the bodies evaporate in the heat. What a waste of time and money. Lame jokes, sure OK. Cheesy villain, hey, I\u2019ve forgiven worse. Bad soundtrack, well\u2014music sucks. But by restricting a film about a team of killers on route to kill a mass-killer to a pussy-ass PG-13 rating\u2014that shit is unforgivable. Especially since it goes against the beloved source material. Those ASSHOLES.<\/p>\n One final thing before I wrap. The ending. It. Makes. No. God. Damned. Sense.<\/p>\n Midway through the film, Max\u2019s #2 requests that a Ducati motorcycle be included with the shipment of warheads. And Jensen makes an unrelated joke about purchasing a stretch yellow hummer, but never does. Remember this, as I\u2019ll be bringing it up in a bit\u2026<\/p>\n You know that scene in The Dark Knight<\/strong> where the Joker shows up at Bruce Wayne\u2019s penthouse and \u201cruins\u201d the party by chucking Donnie Darko\u2019s sister out the window? Course you do. And then remember how Batman dives out in pursuit to save her, but then upon doing so, the scene just changes to the next day? You know, instead of explaining to us how or why Batman was unable to go back upstairs and kick the Joker\u2019s ass. Or at the very least, wait for him in the lobby to come back down and then kick his ass? Remember how silly and poorly executed that piece of the plot was? Well, you won\u2019t after you watch The Losers<\/strong>, \u2018cuz damn if they didn\u2019t pull off the end-all, be-all of what the fuck plot-hole endings.<\/p>\n [SPOILERS AHOY!]<\/strong> Max obtains these new-fangled \u201cimplosion\u201d nukes (don\u2019t ask), betrays their creator and takes the billion dollar cash payment for himself. A minute or two later, the billion (that\u2019s BILLION) dollars in cash has been neatly placed in the cargo hold of a small personal escape jet. Needless to say, it\u2019s quite full. So, the bomb is set, his money’s good to go and it\u2019s time to depart. However, the Losers crash the party and yadda, yadda, yadda. Now here\u2019s where it stops making even a lick of sense. Remember the motorcycle? The one that #2 requested? Well, it was delivered as promised in the nuke container. Now, as I mentioned before, the escape jet is packed to the walls with cash. Soooo, what were they planning to do with this fucking Ducati? And I say, Ducati, because THEY say Ducati. Several times. And in remembering this, it all started to make sense. This motorcycle is the product placement deus ex machina of the God Damned decade. And yes, I realize it\u2019s only 2010. The sole purpose of that bike being asked for and appearing was for it to explode while looking real, REAL \u201ccool\u201d. Which, once again, they spoiled in the fuckin\u2019 trailer anyways. But wait! There\u2019s more.<\/p>\n Once the Losers blow everything to goreless rubble, the showdown between Clay and Max commences on top of a giant freight lifting crane. Clay shoots Max\u2019s back-up helicopter and it flies away, so Max pulls the one card he has left and chucks the nuke detonator a couple hundred feet below to the ocean. Good guy that he is, Clay forgoes his vengeance and dives after the trigger. Ah, success. He catches it right after it hit\u2019s the water. L.A. is saved, Clay rejoins his team at the base of the crane, hops into a yellow stretch hummer and they drive off into the sunset. ~FIN~ You guys notice anything odd about that ending? For starters\u2014WHY DIDN\u2019T CLAY GO BACK UP AND FUCKING SHOOT MAX!?!?!? He\u2019s right there, on TOP of that fucking crane, right next to your whole team, dummy! Shoot\u2014SHOOT!<\/p>\n And don\u2019t you dare say they couldn\u2019t because Max\u2019s helicopter must have come back and picked him up, because the next scene shows him on a public transportation bus being heckled by some thugs. So unless his chopper pilot picked him up and dropped him off at the nearest bus stop for shits and giggles, something doesn\u2019t add the fuck up. And where the hell did that hummer come from? You can\u2019t just\u00a0 a.d.r. a \u2018Hey, look what I found!\u2019 and expect me to just accept that everything is hunky dorry because the screenwriters are winking at their own shitty writing. I\u2019m not twelve, and this is a terrible ending. And don\u2019t even get me started on the TWO \u201cbonus\u201d post-story scenes. Good lord, what a waste of time. [END SPOILERS]<\/strong><\/p>\n In closing, The Losers<\/strong> looked cheap, held no tension, was filled with horrible un-funny comedic relief, had a terrible villainous premise and featured less acceptable action than you average Spongebob cartoon. Oh, and the gods of action save me from remembering their slow-mo strut sequence. Even Zoe, the best actor of the bunch, couldn\u2019t keep a straight face.<\/p>\n Luckily this turd made it\u2019s splash-less drop (INSERT DISAPPOINTING OPENING WEEKEND NUMBERS HERE), before The<\/strong> A-Team<\/strong>\u2019s turn on this year\u2019s cinematic porcelain throne. I can\u2019t imagine how hard it would have been for this band of forgettable stereotypes to take the theatrical stage following even that one guy from The Hangover<\/strong>, much less Liam Neeson.\u00a0 This is Rant signing out and saying, don\u2019t waste your time, guys.<\/p>\n The Losers. A movie so bad, it killed my boner for Zoe Saldana. No small feat I assure you. I even found her fuckable as that big cerulean cat-clown thing in that James Cameron movie. On the positive side, I don\u2019t think they could have picked a more appropriate title. Easy joke aside, I\u2019m serious. … Read morerAnT THE MOVIES: The Losers<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1782],"class_list":["post-6920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-the-losers-review"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6920"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6920\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"Chris](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/Chris-Evans-is...-Disapointing.jpg\" "\\"Chris")
<\/p>\n![\"Rocket](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/Rocket-woMan.jpg\" "\\"Rocket")
<\/p>\n3<\/span> outta<\/span> 10<\/span><\/h1>\n
After all that bile, I decided to be generous\u2026<\/h2>\n
![\"Sleep](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/Sleep-Now....jpg\" "\\"Sleep")
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"