{"id":5004,"date":"2010-01-19T03:34:25","date_gmt":"2010-01-19T10:34:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=5004"},"modified":"2010-01-19T03:34:25","modified_gmt":"2010-01-19T10:34:25","slug":"seagal-on-fire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/seagal-on-fire\/","title":{"rendered":"Seagal On Fire"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"The<\/p>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The Keeper (2009): Breakdown by Kain424<\/span><\/h3>\n

Man On Fire<\/strong>, Seagal style.<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION].<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Being brutally honest, and even as a fan, one would have to admit that Seagal’s DTV output is usually a mixture of sad and disgraceful with a bit of the trivial and incomprehensible thrown in for a a bitter result.\u00a0 They’re terrible, really.\u00a0 On occasion, however, there is a gem of some quality amid his resum\u00e9 of bland failures and cinematic mishaps.\u00a0 The Keeper<\/strong> is one of those rare gems.<\/p>\n

With a pretty good score and surprisingly competent direction from Keoni Waxman (the director of Dolph Lundgren’s Sweepers<\/strong>), The Keeper<\/strong> manages not only to be watchable, but also contains a decent plot.\u00a0 I credit much of this to the fact that A.) they’ve simplified the story (a rare feature in Seagal movies) and B.) managed to make the Sensei more of a human being than the usual Jason Voorhees of Action.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

The story concerns a big city cop who gets betrayed by his partner, shot and left for dead.\u00a0 After killing his wayward partner in a sequence reminiscent of the hospital scenes from Hard To Kill<\/a>, Seagal is left to recuperate from his wounds.\u00a0 We get to see him experience doubt and later, when he is forced into medical retirement, frustration.\u00a0 The movie then changes location, as Steve heads to Texas to work as a bodyguard for an old friend’s daughter.\u00a0 Moving into Man On Fire<\/strong> territory, the flick later involves kidnapping, blackmail, and all manner of asskickery.<\/p>\n

\"He's<\/p>\n

Showing Seagal with some level of weakness is a simple switch-up from the usual Seagal formula but it helps breathe fresh air into the film.\u00a0 Suddenly Seagal is a man with something to prove, and becomes someone with whom we can relate and also like.\u00a0 He actually bothers to give a subtle performance in this one, giving a wink here and a smile there.\u00a0 He seems like a decent enough guy, but just so happens to be able to kill someone in about several dozen different kind of ways.<\/p>\n

\"Seagal<\/p>\n

The Keeper<\/strong> is filmed with a keen eye most of the time, though I think its color palette is a bit bland.\u00a0 Too many faded dark colors and off whites.\u00a0 It gives much of the movie a sort of “dead” look, which doesn’t mesh too well with a suddenly warm and affable Seagal.\u00a0 Still the Action is usually shot well, with plenty of blood effects and decent fight choreography.\u00a0 While I would recommend skipping much of Steve’s DTV “efforts”, this is one of the (very) few worth checking out.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Steven Seagal is Roland Sallinger<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sallinger is a man hoping to redeem himself in his own eyes.\u00a0 If he can use his skills to assist his friend, he can show that he has some worth.\u00a0 If the police don’t need him, maybe someone else does.<\/p>\n

While most Seagal films tend to allow a character or two to provide thrilling monologues about the power of his characters and their usually secret past, The Keeper<\/strong> is content only to occasionally pepper it into a conversation here and there.\u00a0 While one woman in the film’s opening tells Seagal he is an inspiration to every man on the S.W.A.T. team and another person proclaims Seagal is “very smart,” it’s his actions that define him.\u00a0 He rescues a poor Mexican woman from a couple of harassing thugs in one scene and beats down a verbal abuser in a club later.\u00a0 He knows the evil that lies in the hearts of men and understands the only way to combat this force is to beat it out of them.\u00a0 That mouthy sonuvabitch in the nightclub gets beat up, twisted into a pretzel, and then kicked around.\u00a0 HEALED!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

The film makers took a page from Under Siege 2<\/a>‘s book and decided to pair Seagal up with a young woman, becoming a protector of sorts.\u00a0 His relationship with her is the heart of the whole film.\u00a0 And though she may be a bit of a snot, it only goes to further Sallinger’s character that he would be so tenacious in his pursuit to protect her.<\/p>\n

\"Seagal<\/p>\n

Sallinger is mysteriously proficient in Aikido and knives.\u00a0 In fact, he is brutally efficient in both.\u00a0 Only his marksmanship rivals his frightening efficiency with blades.\u00a0 Sallinger seems to prefer to stab his victims, but maybe it’s just good exercise.\u00a0 And just how bad-ass is he?\u00a0 He got shot twice<\/em><\/span> in the heart and survived to kill his would-be assassin while still in his hospital bed.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 28]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

While most of the deaths are the result of Seagal stabbing and gunning his way through the hired bodies of the film’s antagonist, the bad guys do manage to shoot down of few of the forces of good.\u00a0 He gets several bloody knife deaths, a couple broken necks, some by roadkill, and one guy gets the honor of being beat to death by his fists.\u00a0 Nothing too grotesque, but one fella does get a hand shoved, fingers-first, into his throat.\u00a0 Seagal ends the flick with an impressive 23 kills.<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

While I did enjoy the main baddie’s head thug finally getting his brutal demise, my favorite kill was to be found at an earlier point in the film.\u00a0 After a car chase turns into a foot pursuit, a biker drives by Seagal and knocks his gun from his hand.<\/p>\n

\"Pain<\/p>\n

Seemingly out of nowhere, Roland Sallinger produces a big-ass throwing knife and chucks it into the bikers throat.\u00a0 This produces an awesome and gory death.\u00a0 Hurray for DTV!<\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

“What’s the matter? Don’t you like women?”<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Hmmm\"<\/p>\n

Though Seagal claims he does indeed like women, he shows absolutely no interest in any of the nude ones featured so prominently in the film.\u00a0 Not the hottie who visits him in the hospital and home, nor the young, naked hooker he puts into another<\/em> man’s lap.\u00a0 Instead, he refers to the latter as a “stanky-ass ho” and goes on with his seemingly asexual ways.<\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

From a scene showcasing a man snorting blow off a hooker’s ass to a woman randomly flashing her flesh pillows in a nightclub, it’s pretty well established that woman are objects.\u00a0 They are property for pleasure of pawns for pursuit.\u00a0 The Keeper<\/strong>‘s leading lady is a whiny rich kid who can’t seem to straighten her life out, falling for an insidious prick amateur boxer one second and throwing up her one drink from a nightclub the next.<\/p>\n

\"Whoa\"<\/p>\n

And for fun, the film makers decided to throw in a midget hispanic woman with the biggest breasts I have ever seen.\u00a0 Relevance to the plot?\u00a0 Well…did you see the size of those titties!?<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The villains set up the trade, the girl for the goods.\u00a0 The whole thing will go down on their<\/em> territory by their<\/em> rules.\u00a0 But Seagal has different plans.\u00a0 Taking out the guys our antagonist has positioned around the perimeter, Seagal doesn’t kill one of them fast enough.\u00a0 Alerted to the presence of intruders, the main baddie’s right hand man asks for a status report from his dead flunkies.<\/p>\n

Seagal gets on the mic and reveals it is he, The Bodyguard, who has infiltrated their perimeter, and unleashes his own order:<\/p>\n

“Now, tell your bitches to put down their guns…”<\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

“Or I’ll kill every fuckin’ one of you.”<\/span><\/h1>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Live a moral and honest life, always putting others before you.\u00a0 Tell the truth to your friends and be careful who you fall in love with.\u00a0 If you don’t, Steven Seagal will beat you, break you, shoot you, stab you, kick you, and THEN<\/em> kill you.<\/p>\n

[THE SYMPTOMS OF SEAGAL: 4 outta 5]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Background With Government Organization<\/strong>
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Performs An Overkill<\/strong>
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Snaps A Bad Guy\u2019s Appendage<\/strong>
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Speaks Another Language<\/strong>
\n [\u00a0 ] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Sports a Ponytail<\/strong><\/h3>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[\u00a0 ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[\u00a0 ] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[\u00a0 ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong> <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Cowboy Seagal?<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Keeper (2009): Breakdown by Kain424 Man On Fire, Seagal style. [THE EXECUTION]. Being brutally honest, and even as a fan, one would have to admit that Seagal’s DTV output is usually a mixture of sad and disgraceful with a bit of the trivial and incomprehensible thrown in for a a bitter result.\u00a0 … Read moreSeagal On Fire<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5004","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5004"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5004\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5004"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5004"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5004"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}