![\"I'm](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Im-an-eating-drinking-shitting-fucking-Santy-Claus..jpg\" "\\"I'm")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
On this the eve of our website\u2019s first acknowledgment of the Christian hijacked Winter Solstice celebration, I\u2019d like to take a little bit of time and space to discuss a couple things, including our upcoming breakdowns, a few other films worth watching and a tradition of my own volition, that I hope can touch you all and in turn be spread much like the holiday greetings vomited forth upon you by department store geezers.<\/p>\n
![\"Geezer](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Geezer-Greeter.jpg\" "\\"Geezer")
<\/p>\n
First, a quick note on our next six breakdowns. As you would imagine (unless you\u2019re a complete dumbass), they are all associated with Christmas. Being that they all take place on, or around the holiday. I mention this now as I have no plans to delve into the fact within the breakdowns, at least not to any substantial degree. Ergo, I just want to say that while it may not be clear as to exactly how these flicks are Christmas films, rest assured, as Argyle might say, \u201cMan, these ARE Christmas movies!\u201d Hope you guys enjoy them.<\/p>\n
– Cobra (1986)<\/a> Second on Ranta Claus\u2019s list, I\u2019ve decided, out of the awesomeness of\u00a0 my 3-sizes-too-small heart, to include a brief holiday movie guide to a few non-action X-mas themed flicks, should you find yourself forced into one of those \u2018mixed company\u2019 situations that so often occur this time of year.<\/p>\n Note: I intentionally left off all my favorite Christmas\/Horror flicks (BLACK CHRISTMAS, GREMLINS, SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT), as even though they are great films, I\u2019m sure some other genre geek site has, or will cover them in detail and I\u2019d rather leave them to it. That said, without further ado, here is\u2026<\/p>\n Comedian Denis Leary is Gus, a lovable scoundrel and pathetic pilferer, who in a fit of on-the-run desperation, kidnaps THE bickering couple from Hell. Forced to hideout in their home, Gus has to make the best of an ever worsening situation as Lloyd (Kevin Spacey) and Caroline Chasseur (Judy Davis) circle the marital drain with fits of cross-firing emotional attacks. Adding to the festivities is the Chasseur\u2019s criminally delinquent son, their insufferable relatives, and a partner in crime, even more pathetic and useless at bailing out his pal than Gus is at masquerading as the Chasseur\u2019s family shrink. And it\u2019s all 110% awkward comedy gold.<\/p>\n Easily Leary\u2019s finest work, THE REF is a tour-de-force in on-the-brink, insane-driven aggression.\u00a0 Even if you\u2019re one of the few fuckers out there lucky enough to have avoided an atrocious family get-together, you should still be able to relate to the sad sacks of broken-down emotional baggage that are these characters. THE REF is more human, more real, more honest and more heartfelt than the Bailey and Cratchit family films combined.<\/p>\n After making one of the single greatest family comedies of all time (VACATION), screenwriter\/cinematic angst god, John Hughes and actor\/comedic genius Chevy Chase reunited to hit yet another Yule-ball outta the park in this, the second sequel in the tale of the Griswold Family\u2019s failed attempts at suburban normalcy. Chevy once again plays Clark, the greatest would-be family-man in the world and with him as always is the world\u2019s most patient better half, Ellen, played by the sexy Beverly D\u2019Angelo. And together with their ever evolving children, Rusty and Audrey, form the Griswold family. And joining them for their winter vacation are a cavalcade of train-wrecked relatives, including everyone\u2019s favorite uncle, Eddie Johnson (Randy Quaid).<\/p>\n The plot couldn\u2019t be more simple, we follow the Griswold clan through the month of December as they inadvertently prove Murphy\u2019s Law with an unending stream of good intentions, sent straight into the shit-covered asphalt of\u00a0 route 666. And few movies have ever captured the hilarity that is the middle-class family man\u2019s struggle for a storybook ending like this one. Silly, stupid, funny and cringe worthy, CHRISTMAS VACATION is guaranteed to make anyone\u2019s December 25th\u00a0 \u201cThe happ-happ-happiest Christmas, since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fuckin\u2019 Kaye!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHalleluiah, ho-lee shit! Where\u2019s the Tylenol?\u201d<\/p>\n Bill Murray is Frank Cross is Ebenezer Scrooge in an modern adaptation of Charles Dickens\u2019 A Christmas Carol<\/em>. This needs no further explanation.<\/p>\n [#2]\u2014Alright, alright, fine.<\/p>\n Frank Cross is a middle-aged television executive who aside from being harassed and given non-stop grief over his success during the rest of the year, is given special attention one holiday season by having the misfortune of being chosen by mysterious super-natural forces to be haunted by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. Using a series of painful psychological and physical torture techniques (including beatings and fiery death threats), these evil spirits twist and coerce a hard working businessman into an unwanted relationship, disownment of his wealth, and religious zealotry. It\u2019s a fucking nightmare.<\/p>\n Thankfully though, as I stated above, Cross is played by the fucking outstanding Bill Murray, who gives, as he always does, a stellar performance. Easily the greatest adaptation of that over-hyped stack of \u201cfeel-good\u201d propaganda, SCROOGED ties itself to my obligatory Christmas movie list with 3-inch wide chains. Dark, twisted, violent and comedically spot-on, it truly is a must-see. So put a little love in your heart, toss that George C. Scott shit into a frozen bum-riddled sewer drain and pick up SCOOGED. It even has the criminally under-appreciated Bobcat Goldthwait as a scotch-soaked shotgun-wielding bum. And what\u2019s not to love about that!?<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.\u201d Sounds familiar…<\/p>\n Billy Bob Thorton is Willie T. Soke: criminal, degenerate and all around delinquent stain on society\u2019s panties.\u00a0 He\u2019s also an aging con man and world class safe cracker and together with his master planner and partner Marcus (Tony Cox), the duo travel across the states, year after year grifting their way into large scale department stores as a Santa\/Elf combo and robbing them blind on Christmas Eve night. We follow the couple on one such holiday season to Phoenix as Marcus tries to play one final hand with an increasingly difficult, apathetic and shitfaced Willie. The genius of this film is not so much in the plot, (which is pretty thin), but in the characters. The \u201cheroes\u201d of the picture, Willie and Marcus, are two of the most contemptibly evil and selfish bastards you could ever hope to cross a street to avoid. In other words, just the kind of people I\u2019d like to hang out with on the holidays.<\/p>\n But, as I am not like most people, the filmmakers decided to try and balance out the non-stop bickering, cursing, pants pissing and hooker fucking debauchery with the inclusion of two more characters.\u00a0 The first, a pathetic, naive rotund little boy, and the second, a female bartender with a heart of gold and a Santa fucking fetish. And the weird thing is, each and every one of them are equally fucked up beyond all hope and yet utterly lovable. Which is a nice change for a Christmas movie. Did I day nice? I meant fucking outstanding and absolutely necessary. It\u2019s films like BAD SANTA, with it\u2019s almost completely unapologetic mean-spiritedness and bitter commentary on our capitalist celebrations that make me feel like I\u2019m not alone in detesting Christmas for the rosy-cheeked, merry-time, bullshit commercial, circle-jerk it truly is. Oh, and Lauren Graham is more fuckable than a fireside warmed stocking filled with peppermint lube.<\/p>\n This Bob Clark directed classic is simply the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Told in voiceover by the reminiscent third-person narration of a grown Ralphie Parker (Jean Sheppard), we watch his humorous reflections play out on screen as his 9-year-old self (Peter Billingsley) goes about the day-to-day motions of being a child at Christmas time in a 1940s post-war middle-America.<\/p>\n With his impressive imagination (often filled with glorified violence), a selfish disdain for his obnoxious little brother, a fearful respect for his obscenity slinging father and a perfectly captured childlike wonder at the power of Christmas time, young Ralphie is one of the greatest cinematic characters of all time. And I didn\u2019t even mention his perfect depiction of unrequited lust in the pursuit for a Red Rider Beebe Gun, which all but consumes his every thought. And as this longing is that of a 9-year-old and as such his libido has no precedence, make Ralphie\u2019s disillusioned obsessive plight so distinctly innocent and human, the whole family can relate and simply enjoy. Ah, to be a dumbass kid again\u2026 And that\u2019s why I think so many, myself included obviously, love this movie. Because despite the time and setting,\u00a0 A CHRISTMAS STORY is really just A KID\u2019S STORY, that just happens to take place during the holidays.\u00a0 And though I\u2019m sure no one reading this needed me to pimp this classic (as who hasn\u2019t seen this one at least a dozen times?), I\u2019m still more than happy to spend a little time talking about it\u2019s greatness. And if for some odd\/tragic reason this gem has somehow escaped you, get off your ass and change the channel to TBS this Christmas.<\/p>\n Finally, I\u2019d like to share with you all my aforementioned tradition. Now, my contempt and general hatred for the overblown, commercially saturated and enraging unconstitutional federal holiday that is Christmas, should come to no surprise after having read the rest of this post. And this is not a new revelation to me. Ever since I reached the age of reason (13), X-Mas has been in a steady decline of acceptability in my mind. Which gradually lead to a peak in disgust around three years ago, when even receiving presents became a chore I endured only for the sake of my mother\u2019s feelings. So, needless to say, something had to be done.<\/p>\n I quickly discovered that my bitter hatred could be kept at a socially acceptable low by simply avoiding any and all people, whenever possible. The next step was stress relief, which I chose to do by way of rebellious self gratification. And yes, that means a day of furious ape-like masturbation to the filthiest* pornography I can find for free, whilst still avoiding computer imploding viruses.<\/p>\n As an added bit of naughty pleasure, I do this at the earliest, most sacrilegious moment possible: December 25th, 12:01 A.M. It\u2019s an event I have since dubbed, Jerkin\u2019 For Jesus!<\/strong> And I encourage all of you readers out there that share similar feelings as mine toward this time of year, to proudly drop trou’ and join me this Christmas in non-violent (well, at least to others) protest and let it snow, let it snow, LET IT SNOW!<\/p>\n In closing, if you follow my guide to entertainment by putting our upcoming action flick breakdowns on your holiday to-read list, jerk it for Jesus and avoid like dick-rot, anything and everything associated with Tim Allen, then you should make it through unscathed.<\/p>\n *Though I think it should go without saying, I in NO fucked up way endorse or associate said \u2018filthiest porn\u2019 to include torture, rape, children or Ann Coulter. As while there is no Santa, and in all probability no God, there is still evil and grotesqueness and if you\u2019re into that shit\u2014GTFO my website, please. That said, a squirt of midget piss never hurt anyone! At least not in the long run\u2026 So lock your bedroom door, grab your favorite stocking, dip your balls in eggnog, stick a candy cane in your ass and have yourself a Merry Fuckin\u2019 Christmas.<\/p>\n On this the eve of our website\u2019s first acknowledgment of the Christian hijacked Winter Solstice celebration, I\u2019d like to take a little bit of time and space to discuss a couple things, including our upcoming breakdowns, a few other films worth watching and a tradition of my own volition, that I hope can touch you … Read moreHave Yourself A Merry Little Rantmas…<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[1245],"class_list":["post-3879","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","tag-rant-christmas-list-2009"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3879","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3879"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3879\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3879"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3879"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3879"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n– Dark Angel (1990)<\/a>
\n– Die Hard (1988)<\/a>
\n– Die Hard 2 (1990)<\/a>
\n– First Blood (1982)<\/a>
\n– The Frightened City (1961)<\/a>
\n– Gang War (1958)<\/a>
\n– Ghostbusters II (1989)<\/a>
\n– Invasion U.S.A.(1985)<\/a>
\n– Lethal Weapon (1987)<\/a>
\n– The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)<\/a>
\n– On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)<\/a>
\n– Reindeer Games (2000)<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\nRant\u2019s Top<\/span> Five Chrismassacre<\/span> Movie Alternatives<\/span> For All<\/span> Ages List<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"The](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/The-Ref.jpg\" "\\"The")
<\/p>\n[#5]<\/span> The Ref (1994)<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Christmas](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Christmas-Vacation.jpg\" "\\"Christmas")
<\/p>\n[#4]<\/span> National Lampoon\u2019s Christmas Vacation (1989)<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Scrooged\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Scrooged.jpg\" "\\"Scrooged\\"")
<\/p>\n[#3]<\/span> Scrooged (1988)<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Bad](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Bad-Santa.jpg\" "\\"Bad")
<\/p>\n[#2]<\/span> Bad Santa (2003)<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"A](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/A-Christmas-Story.jpg\" "\\"A")
<\/p>\n[#1]<\/span> A Christmas Story (1983)<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"You'll](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Youll-Shoot-Your-Eye-Out.jpg\" "\\"You'll")
<\/p>\n![\"CENSORED\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/CENSORED.jpg\" "\\"CENSORED\\"")
<\/p>\n![\"Fuck](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Fuck-Me-Santa.jpg\" "\\"Fuck")
<\/p>\n~ RANT<\/span><\/h1>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"