![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-01.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
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Terrorists try and force themselves on American soil, Americans don\u2019t seem to notice. But Chuck Norris does and he rips their ethnic, commie, drug dealing dicks off and sends them packing.<\/p>\n
If this isn\u2019t a conservative’s wet dream\/worst nightmare, I don\u2019t know what is. INVASION U.S.A. answers the question, what would happen if every culture Americans had warred with since 1950, suddenly decided to band together, penetrate our sovereign lands and try to rape lady liberty with their filthy uncircumcised, communist cocks?\u00a0 Well, it turns out Chuck Norris would come down on them so hard, and so fast that we as a society would hardly miss out on a single afternoon of Christmas shopping. God bless \u2018im.<\/p>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-02.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
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The main bad guy, Rostov is one of THE most evil villains EVER created. Cold hearted and vicious to the core. And yet this monster is haunted, literately stricken with fear and hellish nightmares by the fact that Chuck Norris once kicked him in the face! I shit you not.<\/p>\n
I honestly believe that this movie is the Chuck Norris version of Akira Kurosawa\u2019s DREAMS. The film plays out like a fantasy for insecure right-wing American males. You know how little kids will dream of being Superman or Batman, well Chuck Norris and his conservative kin dream of being Matt Hunter\u2014Bringer Of Freedom. All Norris needed to be a full-fledged superhero was a red white and blue mask and Old Glory as a cape. Hell, he already has the powers of precognitive visions, teleportation, x-ray vision, super hearing, agility and endurance, AND the power to literally manifest in his prey\u2019s nightmares!!! So why not!?<\/p>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-03.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
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INVASION U.S.A. is THE Chuck Norris film to see. If you only ever watch one of his masterpieces, this is the one. It truly encompasses everything Chuck\u2019s body of work aspired to. A one man army can and does defeat a legion of freedom hating evil doers with the power of liberty, justice and shitkickers. As the terrorist cell blazes through the staples of our culture; a slum, a shopping center, a highway, a church, an office building and a titty bar (all key stops on the super terrorist tour to bring about the end to our ideals), Hunter is hard at work, saving them all.<\/p>\n
The entire film is just a random series of attacks, all thwarted by Norris\u2019s ability to swoop in with his supercharger and save the day in the nick of time. Best way I can think to describe it is to relate it the sequence from SUPERMAN where Supes is introduced through a montage of various heroic deeds\u2014but with INVASION it\u2019s Chuck Norris and his dual Uzis! It doesn\u2019t get much better than this, people. INVASION U.S.A. is a must own title for Action fans. I can\u2019t praise it\u2019s badassness enough. See it before the terrorists jihad it!<\/p>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-04.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
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\u201cHe\u2019s one man alone, what can he do?\u201d A pick-up truck, leather gloves, hairy chest and a pair of strapped Uzis; the tools of his trade, Chuck Norris is Matt Hunter: American Hero.<\/p>\n His first post-credits scene features him mud-wrestling a fuckin\u2019 alligator. I mean\u2014holy shit. A former secret agent for the government, he now spends his days living in a Florida bayou with his pet armadillo, hogtying local wildlife and chainsawing large logs for no reason other than knowing that destroying nature with gas powered tools is the most manly thing a guy can do. And how else would Chuck Norris spend his retirement? Playing shuffleboard and fucking divorcees!? Yeah, right!<\/p>\n But the real show begins when Rostov attacks Hunter\u2019s home (a four walled shanty) with enough firepower to take down half of New York City. And even though Matt was outside, killing trees, he is somehow magically transported inside for no other reason than to dive out of his one-room window, just before his home explodes. That\u2019s how manly Matt Hunter is\u2014even if you blow up his house, he\u2019ll still defy physics and take out his own window with his forehead as an act of macho defiance. It\u2019s shortly after this that the character takes on his true superhero quality in popping up across the countryside, at exactly the right random moments to foil the Invaders’ attempts to instill chaos and destroy our way of life. It\u2019s simply magical. I watched this a week ago, and I still have a boner, and what better gift can a man receive for true holiday cheer? Thank you, Mr. Norris. Thank you.<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>As one would expect this film features a fuckin\u2019 massacre. Chuck himself scores a healthy 27 kills, most of which are with his bitchin’ dual Uzis and hot-potato explosives. All of which you can view, HERE<\/a>. As for everyone else, it\u2019s almost a tie game, as I counted 56 kills for Team America and 55 for Team Everybody Else. But when you think about it, even though we almost broke even with those border-rapists, it\u2019s still not too shabby. I mean, with the terrorist\u2019s numbers including the likes of Russians, Cubans, Koreans, drug dealers and anarchistic biker gangs\u2014the National Guard did pretty good in not only holding their own, but even one-upping those traitorous scum.<\/p>\n This could quite possibly be, THE most unexpected, brazenly violent sequence I\u2019ve ever seen. And it\u2019s surprisingly not performed by Norris, but by his arch-enemy, Rostov. In an effort to cause a gang war, Rostov goes apeshit in the middle of a deal by slamming the other dealer\u2019s girlfriend\u2019s head onto a table, while she\u2019s snorting a line of coke through a steel straw, then he takes the dealers gun from him, shoots his two bodygaurds dead AND THEN shoots off the dealers balls! And that\u2019s not all. As an encore Rostov grabs the screaming face impaled coke-whore and shot-puts her through the multi-floor window. Holy, fuck.<\/p>\n Aside from Chuck\u2019s jeans having a stranglehold on his cock-n-bawls, and his conspicuously ever un-buttoned denim dress shirt, there\u2019s nil. Seriously. I know, I was shocked too. Chuck even managed to keep his shirt on while mud wrestling with that alligator. I don\u2019t understand it, and I don\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>As far as exploitation, there is a very brief walkthrough of a titty bar, with some talent dancing topless in the background, but nothing too shocking. But where INVASION lacks in nudity, it makes up for in pure vile hatred for womankind. As aside from the aforementioned coke-whore, and the violent shooting of some random beachbunny (pictured above), the only other female with affect on the plot is a nameless (unverified) authority hating, shrewish cunt of a reporter. The Lois Lane to Norris\u2019s SuperChuck. Before her character unexplainably disappears, she is shown to be the pure manifestation of a stereotypical media whore, concerned only with her story, she trumps around the crime scenes interfering with police procedure and shouting about her constitutional rights to be a fucking cooze. And as such, is completely unlikable.<\/p>\n This whole movie is one long piece of hilariously epic awesomeness, but here is my personal favorite moment of sheer badassness.<\/p>\n [flashvideo filename=videos\/ThemeOfChuck.avi.FLV \/]<\/p>\n And the Oscar for \u2018Best Ever Use Of A Score Spike\u2019, goes to\u2026<\/p>\n Hunter:<\/span> If you come back in here\u2014I\u2019m gonna hit chu with so many rights, you\u2019re gonna beg for a left.<\/strong><\/p>\n You invade the United States, you invade Chuck Norris.<\/p>\n *Close, but the chest alone don\u2019t count.<\/p>\n *Beard Invasion U.S.A. (1985) \u00a9 Cannon Films Inc.\u00a0 and MGM Home Entertainment<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Invasion U.S.A. (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo Terrorists try and force themselves on American soil, Americans don\u2019t seem to notice. But Chuck Norris does and he rips their ethnic, commie, drug dealing dicks off and sends them packing. [THE EXECUTION] If this isn\u2019t a conservative’s wet dream\/worst nightmare, I don\u2019t know what is. INVASION … Read moreInvasion U.S.Norris<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3834","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3834","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3834"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3834\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3834"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3834"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3834"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\u201cYou only know his reputation, but I know his work.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n[THE BODY COUNT: 135+]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-05.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
Rostov vs. Billy Drago, His Homies And His Hoe<\/span><\/h3>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-06.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/p>\n[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-07.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/p>\n[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-08.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
The Line:<\/span><\/h3>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-09.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/p>\n[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-10.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/p>\nChuck Norris IS America<\/span><\/h1>\n
[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 3 outta 5]<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
[X] Facial Hair
\n[X] Jumps\/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
\n[\u00a0 ] <\/strong><\/strong>Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face*
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Shows Off His Hairy Chest
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Sports Some Cowboy Getup<\/h3>\n[THE CHECKLIST: 21 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)*
\n[X] Manly Embrace(s)**
\n[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>[Al Leong]
\n [\u00a0 ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[X] Tis The Season [Christmas]
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n**Chuck and another man wrestle that alligator together, so I\u2019ll count that.<\/p>\n![\"Invasion](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/Invasion-U.S.A.-11.jpg\" "\\"Invasion")
<\/p>\nMe<\/span>rr<\/span>y C<\/span>hu<\/span>ck<\/span>ma<\/span>s<\/span><\/h1>\n