![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-01.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
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What if James Bond was a self-righteous, extreme sports junkie douche-bag? Wait, allow me to rephrase the question\u2014What if James Bond was an American?<\/p>\n
There is another dimension of action, beyond that which is known to grown men. It is a dimension as empty as space and as inconceivable as infinity. It is the middle ground between acceptable and unwatchable, between suspension of disbelief and utter lunacy, and it lies between the pit of a movie goers\u2019 fears and the summit of their pop culture knowledge. This is the dimension of mediocrity. It is an area which we call\u2014The Xander Zone.<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-02.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
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When the death toll of American spies reaches an unacceptable high (one), NSA agent Samuel L. Scarface decides it\u2019s time for a new approach to our national security: Douche Bags.<\/p>\n
Yes, thrill-seeking, adrenaline addicted, criminal douche bags. An educated,\u00a0 rational, sure fire answer. And Vin Diesel is the head of the class and natural choice to save the world from the threat of an international terrorist ring of Eurotrash anarchists.<\/p>\n
And yes, I do realize how frequently I have and will use the term \u201cdouche\u201d, and all it\u2019s numerous variations. But I do so for good reason, which is: xXx is a Rob Cohen joint, starring Vin Diesel. And personally, I can think of no better word to describe this movie, it\u2019s characters, the director, and headline actor. I mean, just look at him\u2026<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-03.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
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What a fuckin’ douchebag! And I like Diesel! Or, at least I used to\u2014once. Back in 2000 when PITCH BLACK came out. Since then though, I can\u2019t seem to think of a single reason to continue any semblance of respect. OK, so CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK wasn\u2019t completely awful (the Director\u2019s cut) and he did do a pretty good job in FIND ME GUILTY, but COME ON! Wasn\u2019t this guy supposed to be the next big action hero!? What happened? I\u2019ll tell you\u2014xXx, THE PACIFIER and BABYLON A.D.\u2014three strikes you\u2019re out, Vinny.<\/p>\n
Back to the topic of strike one: xXx. A film so ridiculously stupid, it borders on ludicrous. An action film made purely for 12 year old boys. And as I am not one, nor was I when this was originally released, I have to say I\u2019m not a fan. Though, to it\u2019s credit, xXx is everything a young impressionable American youth could ask for\u2014now with tits. With a cool (to a 12 yr-old) lead character, references to video games, rebellious anti-authority hijinks, extreme sports makeover, TRL-esque guest appearances and loud obnoxious\u2014everything, what kid wouldn\u2019t like this movie? You could argue one with taste, but I\u2019m not going there.<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-04.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
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This film is the definition of \u201cproduct of the times\u201d and while it was mildly entertaining back in \u201802, it borders on unwatchable now that many of the fads have moved on and I have matured past a teenage mindset. Well, mostly… I do retain the right to achieve a cheap thrill upon seeing titties in bad action movies. However fun, the brief added nudity didn’t even come close to justifying my purchase of the “Director’s Cut” dvd, as Cohen also opted to put back a scene of X on a commercial airliner talking to a fat kid about his mission under the guise of videogame allegories. Yeah, that\u2019s WAY better than more, better action. Man, fuck Rob Cohen AND this movie. I\u2019d recommend it only for Diesel completists, douche-bag r-tards and cinematic masochists. If this isn\u2019t you, you\u2019re gonna have a bad time. You\u2019ve been warned.<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-05.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
<\/p>\n
Dangerous, dirty, tattooed, uncivilized.<\/p>\n
Xander Cage, or \u201cX\u201d as his friends, the likes of which include Tony Hawk AND Matt Hoffman, choose to call him, is the bane of conservative white men across the nation. What with his penchant for extreme sports, fps video games and rap music all harbored within his large tattooed muscles, Hot Topic d\u00e9cor and10 lbs of bling\u2026 X is simply a giant walking, talking middle finger to the man.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s really quite pathetic.\u00a0 Self awareness of his faux badassness goes painfully unnoticed by both character and actor, which I attribute to the fact that any \u2018to his face\u2019 ridicule would surely be met with a gorilla punch to the messenger\u2019s human sized face. And fuck that noise. There are much safer assholes to openly mock. And thus the continued glorious fail that are Vin Diesel and his characters.<\/p>\n
Though physically impressive and intimidating, Cage just can\u2019t seem to resist from fucking it all up by opening his massive mouth and spewing from it non-stop goofy insults, douchie wisdom and general parental approved lingo most public school kids stop using once puberty hits. And while his CG\/green-screen stunts with parachutes, dirt bikes and snowboards are somewhat amusing, it’s only in an unintentionally comedic way and the same could be said for his \u201cskills\u201d with the ladies. In short, he\u2019s simply embarrassing.<\/p>\n
X gonna give it to ya! Well, kinda. During the course of the overlong film, Cage manages to take out a just OK, 12 Russian pig-dogs with his various shootings, explosions and avalanches. His main sexual interest takes out three of her own and Team Scarface rack up around 14. As for the baddies, Anarchy 99 leader Yorgi snuffs out 20 humans and 10 mice with some poison gas and his cronies rack up another 10 or so police officers in a lair-raid late in the third act. Plus there are untold dozens that may or may not have perished in the ridiculous and explosively gratuitous drug cartel explosion-fest in act one. So, all-in-all, it\u2019s more than I remembered and expected.<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-06.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
<\/p>\n
This scene was runner-up for Epic moment, but since xXx wastes some fucking rando in the process of such horrifying stupidity, I knew I could have my cake and eat it too. Really, the picture says it all. I have no need to explain the choice.<\/p>\n
Aside from his obvious sexually suggestive moniker, xXx is one impressive slab of beef with his rippling inked pectorals, fully loaded biceps and a large, thick sweaty round\u2014head. BUT, it\u2019s also heavily insinuated that he sleeps with two different and attractive women. So what little there was is negated.<\/p>\n
![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-07.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
<\/p>\n
After getting in good with the anarchist d-bags, X is given a gift in the form of a high priced whore, which he greedily excepts by paying homage to Bond with the line, \u201cThe things I\u2019m going to do for my country.\u201d That\u2019s right, the \u201cthings\u201d. If that\u2019s not objectification, I don\u2019t know what is. Sure, one could argue the point that by saying \u201cthings\u201d X means acts of sexual degradation and not the women he\u2019ll all but force himself upon as his stint as a secret agent. But really, even if that\u2019s the case, is that much better?<\/p>\n
[flashvideo filename=videos\/xXx.avi.FLV \/]<\/p>\n
Yeah\u2014OK\u2026 I think I should point out that that clip wasn\u2019t re-edited. That\u2019s exactly the way it appears in the film. X is riding the bike, he pulls up on the handlebars and next thing you know\u2014he\u2019s 50+ feet in the air. No ramp necessary. Take THAT cognitive filmmaking!<\/p>\n
Ivan: <\/span>Stop! He [a sniper] has us pinned down. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.\u201d<\/strong> Also, if you\u2019re going to send someone to \u201cjumpstart\u201d the action-spy genre, best not pick the guy that made DAYLIGHT and THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.<\/p>\n *Beach towel<\/p>\n xXx (2002) \u00a9 Revolution Studios and Sony Pictures Home Entertainment<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] xXx [Unrated, Uncensored Director\u2019s Cut] (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo What if James Bond was a self-righteous, extreme sports junkie douche-bag? Wait, allow me to rephrase the question\u2014What if James Bond was an American? [THE EXECUTION] There is another dimension of action, beyond that which is known to grown men. It is a dimension … Read moreTriple Eks<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[2119],"class_list":["post-3754","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-xxx-2002-vin-diesel"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3754","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3754"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3754\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3754"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3754"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3754"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nxXx:<\/span> You have a bazooka! Dude, stop thinking Prague police and start thinking PlayStation\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-08.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
<\/p>\n“Blow shit up!”<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel*
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[X] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[\u00a0 ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[X] Unnecessary Sequel [xXx: State Of The Union]
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n![\"xXx](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/xXx-09.jpg\" "\\"xXx")
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