{"id":3285,"date":"2009-11-25T03:40:36","date_gmt":"2009-11-25T09:40:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=3285"},"modified":"2009-11-25T03:40:36","modified_gmt":"2009-11-25T09:40:36","slug":"the-punisher-judge-jury-executioner-sado-masochist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/the-punisher-judge-jury-executioner-sado-masochist\/","title":{"rendered":"The Punisher: Judge, Jury, Executioner, Sado-Masochist"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"The<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The Punisher (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/span><\/h3>\n

What if Paul Kersey was an insane 6\u20195\u201d, muscle-bound Swede?<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Aside from the overblown budgets and overuse of computer graphics, my biggest gripe with this past decade’s action of popular choice, the Super-Hero film, are the painful, over-long and unnecessary origin stories. I attribute this modern trend to 20 years of teachers unions destroying the American education system and leaving today\u2019s average youth brain-dead, apathetic stains on society\u2019s panties. And as such, need their pussified action films reduced to queer costumed CG spectacles with shiny, step-by-step, 40 minute cartoonish explanations of why the joke-spewing protagonists are willing to dress up like flamboyant gays and make asses of themselves to stop crime.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

Listen, if you don\u2019t know the heroes\u2019 backstory and aren\u2019t content with a brief, ten minute-or-less explanation\u2014go fuck yourself. The overweight\/underweight dorks that make up the majority of the ticket buyers already do, so the studios are just wasting money and worse, my time with a sure to be two and a half hour monster effects-laden eye-orgy who\u2019s first act would be better spent telling an original story and kept to a duration more in keeping with the average purging span of the human bladder.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s why I love 1989. Not only did the major motion picture adaptation of Batman hit theaters, but also THE PUNISHER*.\u00a0 Two great Super-Hero movies, both of which were fast paced, original takes that didn\u2019t waste a third of their duration on boring ass origins. Especially PUNISHER.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

See? Super-Heroes Can Be Gay And STILL Kick Ass, Hollywood<\/span><\/h2>\n

Clocking in at 89 minutes, and featuring 4 major action sequences, the filmmakers knew they couldn\u2019t be fucking around with inconsequential bullshit like backstories. And thus\u2014five minutes. That\u2019s how long they spend on Frank\u2019s origin. Five minutes. It takes more time to make a box of mac and cheese. And I can sum up all five of them up in one sentence: The mob wacks Officer Frank Castle\u2019s family\u2014Frank punishes the mob. And that\u2019s all you need to know. Man, the 80s were fucking sophisticated.<\/p>\n

Watching Dolph \u201cHe-Man\u201d Lundgren machine-gunning mobsters, samurais and ninjas into red, misty clouds of blood and torn flesh is as close to a religious experience as I think I\u2019m able to achieving. OK, so that\u2019s taking it a little far, but to simply say this film is badass\u00a0 might not nearly be enough. From the opening sequence of Castle\u2019s infiltration and destruction of a mafia head\u2019s house, to the finale storming of a Yakuza training house of death , THE PUNISHER is un-clothed balls-to-the-sewer-walls macho entertainment.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

But it isn\u2019t without its hindrances. For instance, Castle gets his underground info by way of a drunken, ex-thespian homeless man, who rhymes all his insider information. And aside from seeing Castle\u2019s obvious disgust toward him, is almost insufferable. Thankfully, his role is limited to about 5 scenes. The other thing I could complain about, but won\u2019t, is the lack of plot. THE PUNISHER\u2019s narrative seems like the powers that be just took four or five preconceived action sequences, tied them all together with a paper-thin mob war scenario and then happened across the man with the rights to the Marvel character. But again, I\u2019m not complaining.<\/p>\n

And while this film version of The Punisher wasn\u2019t much like the character of the comics (at least at the time), lacking the crazy weaponry, white leather boots and black jumpsuit, Lundgren\u2019s Frank Castle is more like the version of The Punisher that I\u2019ve grown to love from the MAX series. I much prefer the leather-clad, dark and stoic Frank to the cartoony 70&80s comic version anyways, so I say good riddance.\u00a0 And while the trademark white skull is noticeably missing, I don\u2019t mind so much, as I\u2019m not a complete fucking dweeb. I figure, so long as he\u2019s still killing dozens of scum in glorious R-rated splendor\u2014what\u2019s to bitch about!? Nothing. THE PUNISHER is a tight, fast, violent and funny piece of 80s super-hero action gold and is not to be missed. Especially if you, like me, are sick of seeing those pansy-ass models flying across green-screens in their underwear, to be digitally \u201cenhanced\u201d to the sums of untold millions. Beefy guys, big guns, buckets of blood, keep the camera steady and the film under two hours and I\u2019m a happy guy.<\/p>\n

*In Germany and Australia.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

Dolph Lundgren is Frank Castle is The Punisher<\/span><\/h3>\n

For starters, he\u2019s The Punisher\u2014the greatest comic book character of the last 30 years. And in having Frank be played by a half-insane, sleep-deprived Ivan Drago\/He-Man, the role couldn\u2019t have been more macho, lest Castle roamed the streets naked, with a giant boner and the trademark white skull tattooed on his helmet. Yes sir, with Dolph\u2019s impressive physique, martial arts training and ability to fire large cumbersome weapons with one banana fingered hand, I can\u2019t imagine a better choice given the era.<\/p>\n

– Lives in a sewer.
\n– Rides a motorcycle.
\n– Dresses in leather.
\n– Wields a shotgun as though it were a pistol.
\n– Fights ski-mask ninjas in an abandoned carnival.
\n– Gets tortured, yet never screams out, or buckles.
\n– Drives a bus, under heavy fire.
\n– Kills off an entire Yakuza crime syndicate.
\n– Kills off the final member of a mob syndicate\u2014in front of his kid.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 90+]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Frank proves he is king of the Castle with an impressive 60 kills, of varying degrees and shades of awesome. Which you can watch HERE<\/a>. As for the rest, chalk them up to the organized crime war and flashback car bombing of Frank\u2019s dearly beloved. Not to mention that in the backstory of Frank\u2019s 5 years as The Punisher, he has taken down an outstanding 125 criminal scum-fuckers. Eat your heart out, Batman. And your testicles, while we\u2019re at it.<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Who Says Learning Can\u2019t Be Fun?<\/span><\/h3>\n

[flashvideo filename=videos\/PunisherLearn.avi.FLV \/]<\/p>\n

Overall, there are so many great novelty kills and epic death sequences within this flick, I would have been hard pressed to pick just one, so I went with the one that made me laugh the hardest.<\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cYou\u2014you were his life. Before this ever happened. And you\u2019ve been his life ever since. And you fucking well know that! How long do you think someone can live after you\u2019ve cut out their heart! Is that what you want for Jake!?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett Jr.) and Frank were clearly fuck buddies. The story claims that they used to be \u201cpartners\u201d, but insinuates they mean in a strictly platonic and professional way. But I can read through the lines. And you can too. All you need to do is watch the scene in the jail cell after Frank is arrested and Berkowitz pays him a teary-eyed visit. After a dramatic presentation of questions by Jake about the what and why of his partner’s betrayal to the written law, Berkowitz gets emotional and grabs onto Castle and starts to violently shake him, screaming \u201cLET ME IN, LET ME IN!\u201d<\/strong>. I feel I must reiterate, that this takes place within a jail cell.<\/p>\n

The way I see it, five years back, Frank was struggling with his heterosexuality and with the sexual chocolate thunder that is Gossett Jr. waiting for him everyday at the precinct, who could blame him? But, he had his wife and daughters. The last strings holding Frank in place in the puppet show that was his “normal” American, suburban hetro life\u2014and then, they were killed. Forced to cope with the death of his family and hetero ties to society, Frank went apeshit and transformed into the sado-masochistic leather-daddy known as The Punisher. Hell bent on killing the men responsible for turning him into a sexual deviant in the eyes of his Christian god, he will stop at nothing to remind the world not to fuck with a man on the edge of a gay lifestyle. They must be allowed to progress at their own speed, or look the fuck out.<\/p>\n

Also, while they didn\u2019t manage to procure the white skull logo for Castle\u2019s shirt, they do manage to showcase the pale-white skin beneath it in several glorious sequences, including a fully nude one where Frank is praying to Jesus for directions on how to better slaughter criminals.<\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The Women Of Punishment:<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

Castle\u2019s Wife And Two Daughters:<\/strong><\/span> Eviscerated in a car bomb.
\nBerkowitz\u2019s Partner:<\/strong><\/span> Threatened with violence by Frank, then pistol whipped unconscious by a ninja.
\nLady Tanaka:<\/strong><\/span> Knifed in the skull, with a skull knife.
\nLady Tanaka\u2019s Mute Daughter\/Bodyguard:<\/strong><\/span> (My favorite) Choked, has her neck snapped like a board of balsa wood, and then has her corpse thrown to the floor like a sack of wet laundry.<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Frank and Franco Take On 18 Men In 10 Seconds<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

It\u2019s an orgy of punishment! There isn\u2019t much more to say than that. The whole event literally takes only 10 seconds. Frank and his mafia “buddy” walk into a room filled with meditating Yakuza ninjas and open fire, laying waste to the lot of them. Which is made all the more awesome by the fact that throughout the entire movie, they show these guys training intermittently, leading us to believe that an epic showdown is bound to go down in the third act. Nope. ~PIPPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIP!!!~ All dead. Too funny.<\/p>\n

Berkowitz:<\/span> You\u2019re sick\u2014you know that?
\nCastle:<\/span> No I\u2019m not.
\nBerkowitz:<\/span> What the fuck do you call a hundred and twenty-five murders in 5 years, huh!?
\nCastle:<\/span> Work in progress.<\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Stay clear of abandoned carnivals. Ninjas live there. And possibly hobo-clowns.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

Indeed. It scares me too, big guy.<\/p>\n

[THE LIST OF LUNDGREN: 3 outta 5]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[\u00a0 ] Ends The Movie Smiling
\n[X] <\/strong><\/strong>Gets Captured
\n [\u00a0 ] <\/strong><\/strong>Screams While Shooting
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Shows Off Buffness
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong>Teaches Values<\/h3>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)*
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[X] Unnecessary Remake [The Punisher (2004)]
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

*I\u2019ll be counting Dolph\u2019s spray-painted beard.<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

I can tell you with certainty, the carpet does not in fact, match the drapes.<\/span><\/h3>\n

The Punisher (1989) \u00a9 New World Pictures and Artisan Entertainment<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] The Punisher (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo What if Paul Kersey was an insane 6\u20195\u201d, muscle-bound Swede? [THE EXECUTION] Aside from the overblown budgets and overuse of computer graphics, my biggest gripe with this past decade’s action of popular choice, the Super-Hero film, are the painful, over-long and unnecessary origin stories. I attribute this … Read moreThe Punisher: Judge, Jury, Executioner, Sado-Masochist<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1842],"class_list":["post-3285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-the-punisher-1989-dolph-lundgren"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3285"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3285\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}