{"id":2316,"date":"2009-11-04T01:03:15","date_gmt":"2009-11-04T07:03:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=2316"},"modified":"2009-11-04T01:03:15","modified_gmt":"2009-11-04T07:03:15","slug":"g-i-joe-the-rise-of-flashbacks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/g-i-joe-the-rise-of-flashbacks\/","title":{"rendered":"G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Flashbacks"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/span><\/h3>\n

A squad of models sport magical gimp suits to battle a dominatrix and a pre-Labor Day Ninja, in a live adaptation of TEAM AMERICA.<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

“In the not too distant future\u2026<\/strong>”
\nThe world will be ridden with computer graphics and day-to-day activities will be rendered nigh impossible to comprehend without insane leaps in illogical scientific gobble-dee-gook. And even then, no one will be able to understand just what the fuck is going on. Enter, the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, or Assgoblins for short. This co-ed force of combined world operatives use SCIENCE and RUBBER to combat those who strive to make even less sense: the evil organization that does not yet have a name. BUT! They hate humanity and use our special effects and SCIENCE to battle all rational thought, and so, must be stopped. Welcome to G.I. JOE! Let’s strut…<\/p>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

Much like TRANSFORMERS, it was impossible for this film to \u2018rape\u2019 my childhood, as I didn\u2019t watch the cartoon, read the comics, or play with the toys. Because, even back then, I knew the military was for assholes and stupid people. They couldn\u2019t fool me with their American pride and bloodless warmongering. I knew that in real life, you sign the line, you\u2019re gonna fucking DIE. So, I stuck with the Turtles.<\/p>\n

Of course, now that I am a little bit older and a little bit dumber, I take a sick sort of pleasure in escaping from my rational thoughtful life in watching films that feature just as much (if not more) nationalism, patriotism, pro-war and military propaganda as the original JOE cartoon. And I expected nothing less (though I should have) from the first live adaptation of the almost 50 year-old toy line.<\/p>\n

Now, it could be the fact that I have not watched the show, or that they simply decided to make the film version even more offensive, but I did not expect the level of racist and misogynistic tones to be so high ON TOP of all that other bullshit. But Stephen Sommers, that crazy little sack of film-making shit that he is, still managed to surprise me.<\/p>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

The level of sheer What-The-Fuckery? in this film is off the god damn charts. When a movie becomes this free of cognitive narrative, the probability of \u2018all-things-are-possible\u2019 becomes guaranteed and JOE is no exception. And thus, the resounding theme of the project seems to have been, \u2018Logistics And Physics Are For Pussies!\u2014Just Do It!\u2019. Here are a few examples:<\/p>\n

– The President of the United States is played by British actor, Jonathan Price, who makes no attempt to hide the fact that he is British. So, America has a foreigner for a President. OK, fine. Maybe now we can get universal health-care.<\/p>\n

– Gimp Suits. They all wear them and they cost millions of dollars. And they seem impervious, save for one thing: Marinara. Those fucking I-ties. The JOEs better get to work fast on a remedy for this, \u2018cuz if spaghetti sauce can stop a multi-million dollar suit from functionality, there\u2019s no telling what damage their KY jelly will do.<\/p>\n

– Nanomites. I could stop there, but won\u2019t. Taking these wonders of SCIENCE and injecting them into Nerf footballs, Cobra plans to fire said formally child-safe sport paraphernalia at major cities, effectively destroying them. Why?\u2014I couldn\u2019t really tell you, but that\u2019s beside the point. The point is, these Nerf-Nano-Balls, once activated, can eat through ANYTHING in a matter of seconds and spread faster than cold-sores on a naval ship. Now, for some reason (a giant, unnecessary, loud, CG-ridden, shitty action sequence) Cobra decides that even though they are being pursued by a battalion of Gimp-Suit JOES, they must drive the football to the Eifel Tower before setting it off\u2014instead of, you know, just chucking it out the window of their hummer like a used beercan and letting it take out the city, the JOES, and even eventually, their target.<\/p>\n

– Which brings me to the Cobra hummer. Apparently, despite the statistics of all those pointlessly dead American soldiers, hummers can survive missile attacks. Which I guess justifies there insane gas consumption.<\/p>\n

I think you get the point. Now, despite just how fucking ludicrously written, badly edited, overly CG-ridden, poorly acted, unnecessarily complex and narrative free this attack-on-the-senses movie is\u2014I can\u2019t help enjoying it. I know, I think I suck too. JOE hits me much like 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and TORQUE does, in that I find charm amidst the overwhelming loud and non-stop stupidity. I can\u2019t help but be entertained. Best I can think to describe my feelings is to say this film is like a car wreck along a highway\u2014I know I shouldn\u2019t want to see the horribleness, I in fact DON\u2019T want to see the horribleness, but I can\u2019t stop my intense and morbid curiosity from getting the better of my self control and forcing me to look to see if there might be something worthy of scarring my life with horrible flashback nightmares.<\/p>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

G.I. JOE is a mess, plain and simple. The story, the acting, the dialogue, the effects, the non-plot, the non-stop flashbacks, the product placement (Norton Anti-Virus, Double-Bubble, iPod\u2026 etc), the nationalism, the fuck-the-French ideals, all of it is very painful. And yet disgustingly entertaining. Probably do to all the lifted and re-imagined action scenes from a bunch of good movies. Including, but not limited to, THUNDERBALL, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, STAR WARS, FIREFOX, TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE and CUMMING HOME TO MY PUSSY 4.<\/p>\n

So, the question is whether or not to recommend it. I\u2019m not sure. Do you like looking at car crashes? Of course you do. But could you do it for over two hours? Just sitting there while the mangled remnants of hard work and craftsmanship are amalgamated with the human bodies responsible for piloting them are hopelessly yelling un-funny, un-original pleas for your attention, while you remain helpless on the sidelines munching popcorn and listening to their defunct radio blare the ear-raping sounds of the Black Eyed Peas? Many may try, few over the age of 12 shall succeed. Test yourself at your own risk.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s hard to believe but there ARE actually actors amidst all the CG. Though I imagine they might just go the extra 10% for the sequel and make it entirely simulated after the output by these following sad individuals\u2026<\/p>\n

TEAM JOE:<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

\u201cTechnically, G.I. JOE does not exist. But, if it did, it would be comprised of top men and women from the best military units IN THE WORLD. The Alpha Dogs. When all else fails\u2014we don\u2019t\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

Dennis Quad is General Clayton \u2018Hawk\u2019 Abernathy:<\/strong><\/span>
\nAside from having the name of a sadomasochistic cult leader, his role didn\u2019t really consist of much. He acts as a living conduit for exposition and at one point, gets attacked (though not killed, despite his attacker having absolutely NO reason to leave him alive) and before passing out, sounds an alarm alerting the JOES that their top-secret Egyptian fortress has been penetrated by those drill vehicles from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. And it could just be his apathetic approach to this shit material, but I\u2019m pretty sure that Quaid was tanked in every scene.<\/p>\n

Channing Tatum is Conrad \u2018Duke\u2019 Hauser:<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u201cDuke wasn\u2019t born, he was government issued.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s a real American hero.\u201d<\/strong>
\nGreat, it\u2019s that guy from FIGHTING. If it\u2019s one thing Tatum is able to do well, it\u2019s knowing what industry dick to suckle. I seriously can\u2019t believe this guy is able to keep getting work. He can\u2019t act, he can\u2019t emote, he can barely fucking speak and his GQ looks are wasted on the fact that the target audience for this film is 12 year-old boys. What the fuck is he doing in this movie!?<\/p>\n

Marlon Wayans is Al Jolson is Wallace \u2018Ripcord\u2019 Weems:<\/strong><\/span>
\nHe\u2019s doesn\u2019t read, he\u2019s only interested in tapping white pussy and he can barely stand up straight or complete a cognitive sentence.\u00a0 And I just recently read that Wayans was chosen to play Richard Pryor in a biopic. Let us bow our heads in remembrance for the progression of our black brothers.<\/p>\n

Rachel Nichols is Shana M. \u2018Scarlett\u2019 O\u2019Hara:<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2018Scarlett\u2019, or as I like to call her, \u2018Tits\u2019, looks fantastic in black rubber, has long, rich, flowing red hair, keeps herself in shape with cardio and with the aid of an invisibility suit, can almost hold her own fighting a woman 20 lbs lighter than herself. Wow\u2014she was GREAT!<\/p>\n

CGI is Snake Eyes:<\/span><\/strong>
\nWhile CG did an adequate job of portraying G.I. Joe\u2019s most famous character, I can\u2019t help but feel they should have stuck with their original choice of Ray Park. Even though Park\u2019s resume is padded with almost nothing but contemptible garbage, the guy is still easily the most likable (sometimes, the ONLY likable) part of the films he has appeared in. The guy can really whip some ass. I only wish we could have seen him do his shit with a stationary camera and a competent editor.<\/p>\n

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is A Hard Name To Spell, is Heavy Duty:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThe film should have followed this guy. I believe I read somewhere that the character\u2019s original name was RoadBlock. And I have to say I agree with them changing it for the film. Naming the big imposing black dude after a type of extra durable garbage bag as opposed to a term that could be misconstrued as an inhibitor for progression was clearly a better choice. Easily the most BadAss Joe, it makes sense that he is barely in the movie, as the filmmakers wouldn\u2019t want Duke and Ripshit to have to compete for fanboy love. So his role is chalked up to missed opportunity and racist indifference.<\/p>\n

Sa\u00efd Taghmaoui is Abel \u2018Breaker\u2019 Shaz:<\/strong><\/span>
\nHis contribution? He knows about SCIENCE. And he uses SCIENCE to stab a dead Cobra red-shirt in the head with two metal prongs attached to his iPhone that allow him to see a flashback of the dead guys’ last memory\u2014SCIENCE!!!<\/p>\n

TEAM COBRA:<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is Rex \u2018The Doctor\u2019 Lewis is [SPOILER] Cobra Commander:<\/span><\/strong>
\nAh, the one actor that seemed to understand just how ridiculous and pointless this movie was. Best friends with Duke, Commander apparently went insane with evil lust after looking at a nanobot on a mission to liberate some brown people from their pathetic government infrastructure. Or something. I couldn\u2019t really follow it. But it doesn\u2019t matter. Levitt as Commander is by FAR the best character in the film and uses his twisted knowledge of SCIENCE to use nanomites to perform facial reconstructive surgery on several men and to create an army of zombie-like super soldiers able to take bites from cobra snakes and not cry.\u00a0 And even more impressive, not a one of them was played by Gary Busey, who would razzle a whole tub of snakes for twenty bucks and a meatball sandwich.<\/p>\n

Christopher Eccleston is James \u2018Destro\u2019 McCullen:<\/span><\/strong>
\nThe other actor that comes close to Levitt\u2019s level of enjoyable campiness. Destro fills in the role as Cobra\u2019s version of General Hawk. Explaining in clear detail Cobra\u2019s un-understandable plans for world domination, it isn\u2019t until the end that we find out he is really just Commander\u2019s puppet and has his head turned silver for punishment of not figuring it out himself. Yeah, I don\u2019t get it either.<\/p>\n

Sienna Miller is Anastasia \u2018The Baroness\u2019 Lewis-DeCobray:<\/strong><\/span>
\nWith her leather cat-suit and +1 intelligence glasses, the Baroness is pretty much the lead villain of the story. Kinda. Sienna Miller has since \u2018apologized\u2019 for how terrible this all was, and so I feel a little less harsh when judging her performance, which is bad, but not distractingly so.\u00a0 Much like Scarlett, Baroness is hot and thus her reasons for being on screen are ill-explained and generally pretty pointless. Yet another pawn of Commander\u2019s, they leave her story open to become one of the good guys and subsequently ruined all possible appreciation and coolness I had in falling for the \u2018Bad-Girl\u2019.<\/p>\n

Byung-hun Lee is Thomas \u2018Storm Shadow\u2019 Arashikage:<\/strong><\/span>
\nHere\u2019s where I feel violated. Byung-hun Lee was Sun-woo in A BITTERSWEET LIFE, and gave, in my opinion, one of the greatest BAD-ASS performances of all time. And watching him dress head-to-toe in white padding and CG wire-fight in some terrible nano-second cut fight sequences of sheer sensory overload, was almost too much for me. Not to mention that his backstory, for why<\/em> he is such an asshole, is so lame I find it hard to type out. The reason?: Snake Eyes got higher marks than him in Ninja School. Seriously.\u00a0 And it\u2019s not hard to see why he was so shitty, I mean the guy\u2019s idea of Ninja stealth is wearing bright white suits.<\/p>\n

Arnold Vosloo is Zartan:<\/strong><\/span>
\nVosloo is fucking awesome. Ever since HARD TARGET and even after THE MUMMY RETURNS. But, unfortunately, much like Heavy Duty he is barely in the movie. It works for his character as he is the \u2018master of disguise\u2019 of team Cobra, but I can\u2019t say I wasn\u2019t remissed with his lack of screen time. And limited though his role was, he still manages to pull off an act of pure badassness in [SPOILER] killing off and taking the place of, the British-American President.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 137]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Click HERE<\/a> for the Body Count Breakdown<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Lil\u2019 Snake vs. Lil\u2019 Storm<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

A rivalry so childish, it rightfully began during childhood. On one of the many random-ass flashbacks, we get taken back to 70s Japan (I think) where a little white boy breaks into a Ninja School and has his borrowed dinner interrupted by the little shit general from TROPIC THUNDER and the two have it out in the kitchen. It’s brutal as shit and features some pretty impressive moves from ones so young. And thus begins the greatest documented nemesis’ since… I can’t think of anything. I just like watching kids kick the shit outta one another. Simple. Sue me.<\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

Only\u2014Hetero\u2014Image\u2014Blocked By SCIENCE\u2026 DAMN YOUS, SCIENCE! DAMN YOUS!<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

So aside from the general macho military shirtlessness and ass-slapping \u2026 Snake Eyes, lets talk about him. First, his name is Snake Eyes. Second, he wears a full suit of rubber, so constricting you can make out his lips beneath the texture. Third, he has \u201ctaken a vow of silence\u201d, which I believe to be code for \u201cif I speak out of turn, Grandmaster Hawk and Zed will lock me back up in the pawnshop basement trunk.\u201d I think it\u2019s safe to say that Snake is Hawk\u2019s first and favorite inductee to his aforementioned sex-cult.<\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

Scarlett:<\/strong><\/span> a women so smart she may just be retarded. Apparently, according to this woman, \u201cAttraction is an emotion, emotions are NOT based in SCIENCE, and if you can\u2019t quantify or PROVE something exists\u2014well, in my mind\u2014it doesn\u2019t.\u201d Wow. Refute THAT logic, Neuroscience! You Faggot!<\/p>\n

Baroness:<\/strong><\/span> The evil, manipulative, man hating, ass-kicking, goddess bitch!\u2014Turns out to have been under mind control. She\u2019s really just a sweet, corn-fed blonde from Middle-America, that got wrapped up within her little grief stricken mind. What a bunch of bullshit.<\/p>\n

Corporal Cover Girl:<\/strong><\/span> I assume she is a part of JOE as a modeling exchange program or to serve as General Fetish\u2019s female sex-slave. Either way, she is ridiculously hot and, as her name would suggest, is here for that sole purpose. Plus, she is one of only 2 female JOES and the only named one to get killed in the entire movie, thus leaving the sole provider of estrogen to ‘Tits’.<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Ice Don\u2019t Float You Fuckin’ Nerds!
\n<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

In the most epic example of physics fucking, the finale of the film features the polar icecap being demolished over McCullen\u2019s secret underwater base and, wouldn\u2019t you know it? The ice sinks and destroys everything. Leaving me to wonder if this was simply a mistake due to willful ignorance, or just the filmmakers saying, \u201cFuck it. This works and they won\u2019t notice.\u201d Either way, what a stunning display of stupidity and mediocre writing.<\/p>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

YO, JOE!!!<\/span><\/h1>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

No matter how ridiculous the concept, rest assured Stephen Sommers can make it EVEN dumber. And knowing that, is half the battle\u2014to avoiding his films.<\/p>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 20 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d [Ray Park]
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[X] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"GIJ<\/p>\n

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009) \u00a9 MMIX Paramount Pictures Corporation, Spyglass Entertainment Funding, LLC and Paramount Home Entertainment<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo A squad of models sport magical gimp suits to battle a dominatrix and a pre-Labor Day Ninja, in a live adaptation of TEAM AMERICA. [THE EXECUTION] “In the not too distant future\u2026” The world will be ridden with computer graphics and day-to-day activities … Read moreG.I. Joe: The Rise Of Flashbacks<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2316"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2316\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}