![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-01.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Explosion – Dick Joke – Cleavage – Sunset – Robot – U.S. Military Recruitment Video Footage: Repeat For 2 Hours.<\/p>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-02.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n
OK, I\u2019m going to try my best to recount the plot<\/span> what happened. But, you\u2019re going to have to cut me some slack if I miss something, as this film\u2019s narrative changed shape and size more often than the fuckin\u2019 robots did. Here goes\u2026<\/p>\n The film begins in 17,000 B.C. when ancient Transformers roamed the Earth, killing black people unprovoked. Awesome. Jump ahead. A chase sequence breaks out featuring 5-9 transformers including Optimus Prime and the one that\u2019s just a giant wheel with a head. I didn\u2019t catch it\u2019s name.<\/p>\n Optimus informs us, via voiceover, that he and a bunch of the other \u201cGood\u201d Robots have teamed up with the United States military to cruise around the world assassinating the \u201cBad\u201d Robots for their affiliation with Megatron. Even though the ones made victims of this witch-hunt had nothing to do with the attacks at the end of part one. But I understand the logic. It\u2019s like if the quarterback of a football team gets caught shaving points, you naturally have to fire the entire defensive line, as they are all wearing the same uniform.<\/p>\n Seventy-three explosions later, we join Sam (Mutt Jones) as he is getting ready for college and inadvertently finding a chunk of the all powerful cube stuck to his old hoody.\u00a0 The chunk then sets his floor on fire (remember how it set shit on fire in the first movie?) and turns all his household appliances into Mini Popeye Robots, with giant phallic rods extending from their crotches. Thankfully, Camaro lives in the garage and saves the day by blowing up Sam\u2019s house. I\u2019m not sure why this helps, but I\u2019m also not sure why this sequence was inter-cut with shots of dogs fucking either\u2026<\/p>\n Anyways, the point is Sam is now back on the Bad Robot\u2019s radar\u2014which is actually played by one of the Bad Robots. SoundCheck or something. Doesn\u2019t matter, skipping ahead.<\/p>\n Now at college, Sam meets the film series\u2019 newest pointless comic relief cast member, his roommate ____ I\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t remember his name. No joke. But again, it doesn\u2019t matter as the REAL reason for this first hour of the movie is to glorify an awesome cameo of the T-X from TERMINATOR 3.<\/p>\n It should come to no shock that the cameo isn\u2019t explained, and it was a little confusing at first, as they hired a newer\/younger\/hotter \u201cactress\u201d to play the role (I guess Kristanna Loken was too busy working on the latest Uwe Boll film, to reprise the role), but it was still pretty entertaining to see these two terribly deluded franchises amalgamate into one GIANT pile of celluloid shit. You know what they say, anything worth sucking-ass, is worth sucking-ass hard.<\/p>\n So, naturally, hijinks and hilarity ensue as Sam must deal with his new roommate\u2019s space-robot conspiracy theories, his pot-brownie eating, student humping mother and the T-X trying to tentacle-rape him to death. And this all somehow leads up to Sam fulfilling his destiny of: dying, visiting Robot Heaven, learning these events were pre-ordained since before Christ and jump-starting Optimus Prime with a shard of solidified black space dust so he can have the power to wear the skin of another robot, which he\u2019ll need to defeat the mother of the Bad Robots before she blows up the Earth\u2019s sun with a giant laser-cannon that was hidden underneath the first layer of limestone on the great pyramid of Giza! Of course! It\u2019s so simple now that I think about it! Though, I\u2019m still not quite clear on how this all ties in to dog fucking\u2026<\/p>\n Still A#1. The opening to this film actually bests BAD BOYS II, when michael bay\u2019s name appeared over a burning cross, by beginning with an ancient robot killing some black tribesmen with no reason given. Then, of course, there are the twin robots, Mudflap and Skids. And they couldn’t have picked more appropriate names.<\/p>\n Since every critic out there has already torn these characters to pieces for being black stereotypes personified, I\u2019m not going to waste too much time doing the same here. I\u2019ll just say that while I can get past the ebonics, the violent tendencies, the terrible one-liners and the pride in willful ignorance, as this is what the target audience of 12 year-old white kids think is cool, but the fact that they made these two abominations look like this\u2026<\/p>\n I just can’t forgive that shit. Fucking, wow. I can\u2019t believe that someone with influence didn\u2019t see these two and immediately slam their foot on the breaks and force bay to change this. You would have thought that Spielberg of all people could have learned from his buddy Lucas\u2019s Jar-Jar fiasco, but no. I actually find it amazing that bay was able to out-offend Black-Stereotype Bot and Anthony Anderson from part one, but fucking kudos, he did it.<\/p>\n Any and every character that has an inkling of intelligence, or that is in a position of education and information is portrayed as an insufferable dick-head that despite their brainpower and knowledge, just don\u2019t get it. So, they are written into prank laden situations that fall just shy of them having their underwear pulled over there head by Donald Gibb. Oh, and bay also has a library explode to salt the thinking man\u2019s wound.<\/p>\n It\u2019s truly brutal. Over, WELL over 60 minutes is pure, unnecessary fluff that has no business in this film at all. The only reason for its existence that I can come up with, is that bay must have been paid on an hourly basis. There is no other excuse for how much pointless shit clogs up this movie. Most of which, leads me to the next point.<\/p>\n Once again, ARGHHH!!! It\u2019s fucking unrelenting, you guys. There\u2019s actually a point where a geriatric Bad Robot, who has a fucking BEARD and A CANE, who is somehow able to teleport, which they also don\u2019t ever bother to explain\u2014farts a fucking parachute\u2026<\/p>\n Several of the bullshit supporting characters from the first film return, but surprisingly, they actually end up participating in something that\u2014I won\u2019t say matters, but effects the \u201cstory\u201d. And at least they didn\u2019t bring back Anthony Anderson. So, there is some improvement here.<\/p>\n Aside from the already established GM cars, and a shot of times square. I only noticed one blatant\u00a0 product placement for a shitty soda, whose name I shall not repeat. I\u2019ll just say that it looks like piss and tastes even worse. Also, I\u2019m pretty sure all the phones in the film were the same, but I\u2019m not a phone guy, so I didn\u2019t look too far into it.<\/p>\n While I still think that the robots are still WAY too overly complex and hard to comprehend, the fight sequences are far superior this go round. Which is the best I could have hoped for, because I wouldn\u2019t expect, nor want, them to have had changed the continuity of how the bots function. But thankfully, someone must have drilled a hole of sense through bay\u2019s ego big enough to get a whisper of how action geography works into his thick juvenile skull, as I was actually able to tell (for the most part) what the fuck was going on. And while it\u2019s ludicrous that this is a problem that has to be addressed, I\u2019m still just so pleased that I was able to just sit and watch, instead of straining my eyes with a hellish endurance trial of comprehension like part one. Though, I was still rarely able to discern which character was fucking which. But I think this had more to do with shitty, similar Robot color schemes and voice choices than cinematography and editing.<\/p>\n In closing, and in case you couldn\u2019t tell, I did not like this movie. BUT, I also did not hate it. Even though I really, really wanted to. Unlike part one, I strongly believe that there exists a salvageable action film within this ungodly messy narrative. And the simple fact that this film bothered to HAVE a narrative, despite how bombarded with shit it was, is a sign of hope. Given the time, I think I could re-edit this bloated pile into a taught, hour and twenty-minute piece of acceptable Action cinema. And this is far more than I could say of part one. So, TRANSFORMERS: ROTF is still a shit sandwich, but at least it\u2019s not a soggy shit sandwich. There are easily more movies out there, and recently too, that I would choose re-watching this flick over. And, however backhanded, that\u2019s saying something. Though, I\u2019m still not going to recommend anyone else waste their time watching this. Please, heed my advice, skip it. It\u2019s really not worth the time, and especially not worth the money, no matter how small the charge.<\/p>\n While Optimus does get far more screen time than in the first, he is still merely a supporting role, as he spends nearly half the movie dead. So, once again, we are left to view the heroic deeds of Witwicky the Wussy.<\/p>\n To be fair, the character has grown a bit since last we saw him, and while he is still prone to fits of crying incomprehensible babble, I found him far less annoying. He stopped screaming \u201cNo, NO, NOOOO!!!\u201d every other line, he\u2019s assertive and actually does something that effects the what happens. However\u2014I still take issue with the character.<\/p>\n This time, the powers that be, couldn\u2019t seem to decide if they wanted Sam to be the reluctant \u201cJohn McClane-esque\u201d hero, or the out for justice \u201cSuperman\u201d kind. Consequently, when Witwicky switches gears from one to the other, mid-way through, my head started to hurt and my brain said, \u201cFuck it\u201d and shut off. Which, now that I\u2019m able to think again, must have been the desired effect all along. So, if LaBeouf\u2019s character continues to evolve in these small doses, I can see him being a gun-wielding, non-crying ballsy hero, somewhere around part 5. The Action Gods help us all.<\/p>\n Humans fly through the air like rag dolls and robots get junked like matchbox cars at a daycare. Not to mention , bay also has Paris destroyed\u2014again. With so much destruction, chaos and general bayhem the count is nigh uncountable. At least with any acceptable accuracy. Not to mention at least 3 dead characters return from the scrap-heap in the sky with no real explanation how, so fuck it. The count I posted is an estimate based on a number given within the movie. That\u2019s the best you\u2019re gunna get from me.<\/p>\n Though anti-climatic as it takes all of 1 minute for Prime to smash the \u201calmighty\u201d ancient Transformer into a pile of slimy metal shit, the fight was still satisfying. While it took bay almost 5 combined hours to finally show us Prime\u2019s ass-kicking potential, he thankfully doesn\u2019t disappoint in the brutality department.<\/p>\n For some ungodly reason\u2026.<\/p>\n John Turturro\u2019s ass, ladies and gentlemen. By far, the film\u2019s greatest achievement in non-sequitur what-the-fuckery.<\/p>\n There could have been some more gayness that I missed, but due to the above sequence, I was blinded by hairy man-ass and stricken immune to gay charm for the duration of the picture.<\/p>\n Holy shit! There ARE Transfemmers! And literally 2 seconds after they speak, revealing themselves female, michael bay has them destroyed! And I wish I was joking. You almost have to applaud such devoted, cross-species misogyny. And this, of course, brings the tally of Good Robot Deaths to 1 Black Guy and 2 Females. Well done, bay. But the misogo-train doesn\u2019t stop there.<\/p>\n There are also two more female robots working for the bad guys. The first one is the aforementioned T-X on lone from Warner Brothers Pictures. Aside from appearing for the soul purpose of scandalous T&A, she also gets a face fulla robot jizz, courtesy of Camaro.<\/p>\n Then there is the pi\u00e8ce de r\u00e9sistance. The final female robot is none other than the title character. The Fallen. There is no doubt in my mind, that this is a fact. Some would argue that by having the voice of the Candy Man is proof otherwise, but this is simply a disguise. And the fact remains, up until the final 15 minutes, this thing spends the entire film, and if we are to believe the story, the last several thousand years, floating around in space, hooked up to a giant rock crapping out gooey-pod units of baby Bad Robots. Just like the queen from ALIENS. And what happens when she decides to stop producing spawn for war and tries to enter the work force of world domination? Optimus Prime rips her fucking face off and shoves his fist through her chest. If this were made by any other director than michael bay, there might be room for dispute, but as it stands, I think my theory of The Fallen’s gender is pretty concrete.<\/p>\n It\u2019s sunset in Jersey. A tragic score accompanies the fallen Autobot leader, Optimus Prime, as he is brought home to rest. Transported with utmost care via helicopter, the alien hero\u2019s body is delivered for the remaining members of the Decepticon resistance, to say goodbye, and gain closure.<\/p>\n And they drop his body onto the tarmac like an beercan filled with lead. Causing me\u2014to laugh my nuts off.<\/p>\n [flashvideo filename=videos\/OptimusPoof.wmv.FLV \/]<\/p>\n Agent Simmons:<\/span> “Let’s not get episodic here, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!”<\/strong><\/p>\n If ever there where a more appropriate situation for the need to heed one’s own advice, it’s the screenwriter that wrote that line.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t drink and drive, kids. Otherwise your director will be forced to create a teleportation sequence and fuck up an already stupid-ass movie to explain why your hand is a crippled mess. Oh, and Megan Fox also returned for part two, and in case I forgot to mention it, here’s what she contributed…<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo Explosion – Dick Joke – Cleavage – Sunset – Robot – U.S. Military Recruitment Video Footage: Repeat For 2 Hours. [THE EXECUTION] Yes. Those Are What You Think They Are. Welcome To Transformers 2 OK, I\u2019m going to try my best to recount the … Read moreTranformers: A Dish Best Served Never<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1965],"class_list":["post-1871","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1871","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1871"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1871\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1871"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1871"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1871"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-03.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-04.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\nSame Shit Different Movie<\/span><\/h2>\n
Racism:<\/span><\/h3>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-05.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\nBrains Are For Geeks And Assholes:<\/span><\/h3>\n
Ass Numbingly\u2014Fucking\u2014LONG:<\/span><\/h3>\n
Non-Stop, Annoying, Unnecessary Comic Relief:<\/span><\/h3>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-06.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\nImprovements<\/span><\/h2>\n
Slightly Fewer Characters With More Shit To Do:<\/span><\/h3>\n
Less Advertising:<\/span><\/h3>\n
More, Better Action:<\/span><\/h3>\n
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-07.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\nShia LaBeouf is Sam Witwicky. Again.<\/span><\/h3>\n
[THE BODY COUNT: SEVEN TO EIGHT<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>\u2014THOUSAND]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
Optimus Prime+ vs. The Fallen<\/span><\/h3>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-08.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-09.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-10.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-11.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
Optimus = Scrap-Metal<\/span><\/h3>\n
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-12.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
<\/p>\n[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[\u00a0 ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n![\"TROTF](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/TROTF-13.jpg\" "\\"TROTF")
\n<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n