![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-01.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
michael bay sells almost 3 hours of advertisement space in an action movie, which is actually a [Er-ERR-Eee-ERR] teen sex comedy in disguise.<\/p>\n
The story goes a little something like this:<\/p>\n
A horny teenager named Sam is trying really, REALLY hard to stick his penis in an oblivious twenty-something year-old named Mikaela. Meanwhile, in Iraq, live action Duke from the G.I. Joe cartoon and Tyrese from 2F2F<\/a> are busy trying to make a phone call and are troubled by a comedically annoying Indian man. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., our Midnight Cowboy defense secretary is busy assembling a crack squad of college hipsters to decipher an 80s sound effect. Meanwhile, back at Sam\u2019s pad, Dad is busy bitching about\u00a0 his lawn, while Mom stands around being a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, back in D.C., the hottest hipster reveals herself as a masochist, by willfully visiting fat-black stereotype \u2018actor\u2019, Anthony Anderson. Meanwhile, actor John Turturro waits on the sidelines for the feature length mark to cash in his credibility, presumably for no other reason than to have the novel footage of his soul leaving his body. You know, to break out at parties and shit.<\/p>\n Oh, yeah. There\u2019s also a small sub-plot dealing with robots from space trying to find some kind of mystical cube, whose power to shrink itself into a smaller cube could destroy the universe. Or something like that.<\/p>\n Simply put, I HATED TRANSFORMERS. In my opinion, it\u2019s The Worst Movie Ever Made<\/a>. Click the link for affirmation.<\/p>\n If you consider whining, crying, complaining, nonstop constant babbling and sex obsession to be badass, well then Sam’s your man. But, the way I see it, Witwicky is a fucking wussy. That\u2019s part wimp and part pussy.<\/p>\n Sam spends the entire movie slingshotting unfunny jabber at everyone he meets, running away from any and all danger and consistently screaming \u201cNo, NO, nonononononono, No, NO, NO!!! BUMBLEBEE!!! Wahhhhhhh, NO!\u201d <\/strong>The fact that they decided to make this dink the hero as opposed to Optimus Prime, or even that G.I. douche is beyond my realm of understanding.<\/p>\n Not really sure. I know for certain that Black Stereotype Bot dies, and I think one or two of the evil bots get sent to that giant compactor in the sky. And as for the humans, I\u2019m pretty sure a handful of\u00a0 soldiers were killed when the scorpion bot thing was attacking them for no reason. So, how about we call it 10. I\u2019ll say 10. If you happen to own the movie\u2014kill yourself, but before you do, feel free to correct me.<\/p>\n That one guy that was stabbed through the torso by the scorpion bot thingy was almost<\/strong><\/em> cool.<\/p>\n I say almost, as it\u2019s pretty weird how being impaled by a large fork shaped object yields no blood, especially when shaken around like a maraca. But it\u2019s the best this film delivers.<\/p>\n Tyrese is here, and of course he\u2019s gay as a shit-slicked dildo. Though this time he\u2019s ‘Army Gay’, not ‘Miami Gay’, so he has to try and act not gay to avoid inadvertently convincing the other jarheads to come out of the closet and subsequently ruin their marriages to all the 17 year old prom queens giving birth to the next generation of cannon-fodder back home.<\/p>\n At one point Tyrese\u2019s boyfriend, G.I. Duke, is in need of a credit card and even though scorpion bot thingy is walking back and forth blowing up the sand around them, he decides to play coy and has Dukey try and fish it out of his ass-cheek pockets. Duke fumbles around back there, for just about 3 minutes too long, before Tyrese informs him it’s padding his \u201cLEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK!\u201d<\/strong>. Barking the order to bring him home like a sex-starved auctioneer.<\/p>\n Other than that, the film does feature 2 separate occurrences of male characters pissing on other male characters. Which just can’t be straight.<\/p>\n Also, there seems to be no evidence of female transformers. And since they all have crotches that function similar to Urth mammals (dead giveaway with the urination) they must have sex right? So\u2014I have a theory. What if the terms Autobots and Decepticons are really slang for Male and Female. And since this is a michael bay movie and the Decepticons are all whiny, controlling bitches, they MUST be the women! Which means this whole war is ACTUALLY a battle of the sexes! And the cube must be their communal property that a court deemed into the care of a foster planet, Earth! It all makes sense now!<\/p>\n But, even if you choose not to agree with my hypothesis, it dosen’t matter as there’s still no proof to support that “Transfemers” exist. Leaving me to assume that Cybertron is Cybergay.<\/p>\n Old Cunts:<\/strong><\/span> 61+ black, cranky, obnoxious, bitter old hags. Borderline Acceptable Cunts:<\/span><\/strong> 25-30 moderately attractive placeholders. As it\u2019s a bay movie, I\u2019ll have to go with the negative definition of Epic. You know, the fail side. And this film has a doozy.<\/p>\n [flashvideo filename=videos\/BayPiss.wmv.FLV \/]<\/p>\n Before this, the film had only managed to climb the nether regions of Scatological Mountain. But with one giant \u2018BOING!\u2019 and a heavy stream of vitamin fortified robot piss, bay officially staked a giant cock-shaped flag on the peak. With an eternal flame shooting out of the business end of it.<\/p>\n While this wasn\u2019t the lowest possible denominator (ex. Camaro didn\u2019t brick in Tutorro\u2019s mouth), it\u2019s so fucking close, that even if I had loved bay before it rained golden space urine, I don\u2019t think I could have forgiven him.<\/p>\n As for the one-liner:<\/p>\n It pretty much sums up the whole film in two perfect, deep voiced syllables.<\/p>\n michael bay is killing BadAss Cinema.<\/p>\n *I’m counting the golden showers. ** Seeing as how there is 18 or so of them, I’m sure at least one did. [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Transformers (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo michael bay sells almost 3 hours of advertisement space in an action movie, which is actually a [Er-ERR-Eee-ERR] teen sex comedy in disguise. [THE EXECUTION] The story goes a little something like this: A horny teenager named Sam is trying really, REALLY hard to stick his penis in … Read moreTransformers!!! michael bay Rapes My Eyes.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1963],"class_list":["post-1616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-transformers-worst-movie-ever"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1616"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1616\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-09.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\n[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-04.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\nShia LaBeouf is Sam Witwicky<\/span><\/h3>\n
[THE BODY COUNT: 10 SOUNDS GOOD]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-05.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\n[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-06.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\n“…You Silly Goose!”<\/span><\/h2>\n
[HOW michael bay VIEWS WOMEN]<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-07.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\nThe Four Categories Of Women For A Typical bay Movie<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
\nReason for Existence: Bitching and screaming.
\nPortrayed In This Movie By: Bernie Mac\u2019s Mom and Anthony Anderson\u2019s Grandma.
\n
\nGaping Cunts:<\/strong><\/span> 31-60 stupid, submissive, suburbanite broodmares for the state.
\nReason for Existence:\u00a0 Embarrassment, comic relief and sack lunches.
\nPortrayed\u00a0 In This Movie By: Sam\u2019s Mom<\/p>\n
\nReason for Existence: Objectification and eventual child rearing. A suitable supplement for eye-raping while at work or while located too far from a high school.
\nPortrayed In This Movie By: Aussie Hipster
\n
\nHot Oblivious Cunts:<\/strong><\/span> 15-24 young, dumb and in need of douche-infused cum.
\nReason for Existence: Eye candy. Tits, plump glossy lips and golden, oiled abdomens.
\nPortrayed In This Movie By: Megan Fox<\/p>\n[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-08.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-02.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\n[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack*
\n[\u00a0 ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[X] Manly Embrace(s)*
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[\u00a0 ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen<\/a>]
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n![\"Transformers](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/10\/Transformers-10.jpg\" "\\"Transformers")
<\/p>\nI’d Cry To, If That Was The Only Thing Interesting About Me.<\/span><\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"