{"id":1540,"date":"2009-10-06T18:18:48","date_gmt":"2009-10-07T00:18:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=1540"},"modified":"2009-10-06T18:18:48","modified_gmt":"2009-10-07T00:18:48","slug":"bloodstayne","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/bloodstayne\/","title":{"rendered":"BloodStayne"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/span><\/h3>\n

Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir.<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I\u2019ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human\u2014think BLADE, with tits) in search for her father. It\u2019s the 1930s and an enigmatic organization calling themselves the Brimstone Society, has recruited her to help rid the world of vampires. More specifically, Nazi vampires. Oh, and Rayne is a smoking hot lesbian. I forgot to mention this. SO! Sounds pretty fucking badass, right!? Too bad this is the plot description for the GAME, and the MOVIE didn\u2019t bother to follow it.<\/p>\n

Apparently the movie is a prequel, that acts as an origin story and re-imagines the through-line of the games of Rayne finding and killing her vampire father. Taking place, I don\u2019t fucking know when, but it doesn\u2019t really matter as they essentially fucked up the whole mythology of the character with a convoluted series of flashbacks, poorly orchestrated plot developments and the addition of Michelle Rodriguez playing British Accent(?) Michelle Rodriguez.<\/p>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

Well done, gentlemen.<\/p>\n

The whole movie looks like an over-the-top SCA festival, hosted by a slew of C-List actors and a special appearance by Ben Kingsley. Whom only the wisest can assume, is doing so as a favor to a mentally-ill relative, or for some make-a-wish foundation.\u00a0 So, it clearly has within it a so-bad-it\u2019s-good liability factor, when taken at face value, but then I remembered this is the third picture in a row by director Uwe Boll to suck a blood-engorged knob, and it kinda made me pissed. And I wasn’t the only one. Thus, Boll’s legend of being the modern-day Ed Wood has been solidified.<\/p>\n

I usually pride myself on finding enjoyment in films that most would deem shite, but this time I have to agree with the masses. BLOODRAYNE is plagued by non-stop awful flashbacks, butchered accents, bargain-bin dialogue and pathetically bad plot exposition sequences. Though this is all bad news, the film is not without a couple of redeeming factors. For one, Boll delivers the blood. Gallons of it. Every death is a macabre masterpiece. The problem is, you have to watch the clunky and badly choreographed action sequences leading up to them, or just check out my highlights pic:<\/p>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

Second, the sets are really detailed and even though it\u2019s easy to tell many of them were constructed for the purposes of a movie, if you look at it as though you were watching a play, they\u2019re not too shabby. And the sweeping helicopter shots of the European countryside are gorgeous. Though, admittedly, it\u2019s pretty hard to fuck those up.<\/p>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

Let me reverse gears a second here and go back\u00a0 to watching BLOODRAYNE as though it were a play\u2026 The more I think about this mindset, the better this film seems in retrospect. I think most people have seen a stage performance at some point or another in their lives that was laughably bad. Be it at a school, performed by children, or in a park, performed by hippies. And I think most would admit that there\u2019s a certain charm to watching otherwise completely unlikable people, make fools of themselves in an affair, well below (Kingsley, Madsen), or above (Everyone Else) their level of ability. And if viewed in this way, BLOODRAYNE doesn\u2019t seem like so much of a failure. Sure, it\u2019s still an ass-sandwich, but at least the lettuce (I.E. novelty) is crisp enough to offset the mushy, stench-emitting shit festering beneath it.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

Kristanna Loken is Rayne<\/span><\/h3>\n

Her look is close, but I can\u2019t help but think with her saggy, ill-fitting pants that Kristanna had herself a rear-collision with craft services (shit her pants). And it\u2019s clear that they spent almost an entire afternoon bestowing upon Loken, the skills and training necessary to look fluid and natural in wielding Rayne\u2019s foolish-looking weapons of choice (can’t fight for shit). These observations combined, make for one truly silly looking and sloppy portrayal of a would be kicker of ass.<\/p>\n

While I would have never expected the level of high-flying, inhuman acrobatics displayed in the game, as they would come off as terribly goofy on the film medium, I did however expect a certain degree of competence and style to be transferred and this is why I guess I\u2019ll never be happy. I always expect too much. It was foolish of me after seeing HOUSE OF THE DEAD and ALONE IN THE DARK to think that Boll would give a flying-fuck about character accuracy or fan-service. The man simply couldn\u2019t care less. And it is for his short-comings and apathetic approach to the subject matter that I blame the failure of badassitude in Movie Rayne.\u00a0 And I would feel bad for Kristanna, but I\u2019m still pissed about T3, so fuck her, too. In closing, I imagine that you\u2019d have to try pretty hard to fuck up something as incredibly fan-servicingly appealing as a hot, red-headed, large-chested, leather-suited, blood-sucking, lesbian, vampire Nazi slaying, immortal, ass-kicking Dhampir\u2014BUT, they did.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 90ish]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

If ever there is a single valid redeeming factor for BLOODRAYNE, it\u2019s here. When the kill count of a film gets close to 100, it\u2019s pretty hard to make the task of watching it unbearable, and as such here, it\u2019s the saving grace. Rayne herself kills 20+ menpires and her colleagues at the Brimstone Society whack another 35 or so. The rest is a combination of the bad guys and a monastery full of battle-monks that get ran through the proverbial meat-grinder. And I\u2019d say half of the total count are shown in brutal detail, with geysers of blood and severed limbs. So that was nice.<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

My only complaint is that it took too damn long to happen.<\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Nothing overt. Most of the men do sport 70s style metal hair and wear dainty dress shirts which expose more than a fair share of their chests, but they all seem too preoccupied with trying to mask their shame for participating in this mess to grope one another.<\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

Who better to have a stable of ACTUAL Bulgarian whores (seriously, Uwe Boll hired real ones) than acclaimed metal god Meat Loaf? It appears as though he would indeed do anything for love\u2014including appearing in a Uwe Boll film. So, Meat resides in a cathedral turned vampire bordello, where he apparently spends his days re-enacting the most decadent and sinful activities of Ancient Rome binge and purge sex parties. And subsequently, it\u2019s the best part of the film.<\/p>\n

Then there\u2019s the \u2018love-making\u2019 scene. Reminiscent of the \u2018Pool Scene\u2019 from SHOWGIRLS, Boll puts his spin on the out-of-place, unnecessarily goofy fuck sequence, by having Rayne all but force herself on one of the Brimstone soldiers. Made token by the fact that SHE bangs HIM against the outside of her prison cell, with one hand grasping the bar of the unlocked door, which pulls open and shut with every animalistic thrust, giving us the pleasure of hearing a loud \u2018CLANG!\u2019 every time they go balls-deep. But, you do get to see Loken\u2019s tits, which is more than I can say for T3 (don’t dispute me). So, with that and the novelty of how unintentionally funny the scene comes off, it\u2019s a titty-licking good time.<\/p>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

EP-M: WTF?
\n<\/span><\/h3>\n

Alright, so, the story is over. Clearly, it’s over. Kingsley is dead, Madsen is dead\u2014everybody but Rayne is fucking dead, OK? Finished with her quest, Rayne sits in Kingsley\u2019s chair, stares into the fourth wall, the scene fades to black and just when you think the credits will role\u2014they don\u2019t. Instead the camera zooms into her eye and in a slow-motion montage, we are re-shown all the gore-gags from the entire film\u2026 And it lasts almost 3 \u00bd minutes. Then it goes back to her face, THEN she leaves the castle on horseback, THEN<\/strong> credits. I\u2014I just don\u2019t\u2014Yeah, I don\u2019t know\u2014I\u2026 wow, OK. Rub our face in how we just wasted our time, why don’t you?<\/p>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

THE LINE:<\/span><\/h3>\n

Kingsley<\/span> [to Rayne]: Ungrateful bitch.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Proving how lame this movie was, that was the best I heard.<\/p>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

I can safely say, nobody learned ANYTHING from this movie. I myself feel dumber having watched it. And it gets worse\u2014Boll made a sequel.<\/p>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[\u00a0 ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse\/Castle
\n[\u00a0 ] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[\u00a0 ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[\u00a0 ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[X] Unnecessary Sequel [BloodRayne II: Deliverance]
\n[\u00a0 ] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"BloodRayne<\/p>\n

BloodRayne (2005) \u00a9 Vierte Boll Kino Beteiligungs-GmbH & Co. KG and Universal Home Entertainment<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir. [THE EXECUTION] Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I\u2019ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human\u2014think BLADE, with tits) in search for her … Read moreBloodStayne<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1540","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1540","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1540"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1540\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1540"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1540"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1540"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}