![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2001.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~ The \u201cfilm\u201d is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn\u2019t take place in the Bronx or feature an executioner. There is no plot, no character development, no talent and it\u2019s easily one of the worst movies I\u2019ve ever had the pleasure of viewing. The story is like someone took a foreign BLADE RUNNER-spoof porno, wrangled up some homeless people to provide a dub, and replaced all the sex scenes with stock footage of New York City and a 1960\u2019s documentary about NASA.<\/p>\n And here is the resulting story, so far as I can gather: A guy named James wants to be the Sheriff of some land outside of a European castle. Which happens to be the location of an on-going war between a gang of androids and a gang of humanoids. Why they hate one-another, is anybody’s guess. The tale begins with James meeting up with the man he’ll be replacing, a Luis Gossett Jr. looking fellow, named\u2014The Black Guy\u2014I shit you not. So, The Black Guy has James perform a terribly edited montage of backyard wrestling training for the position, which he wins through perseverance in the face of grade school criticisms. Then James goes on to help a big muscley gay man named Dakar kill some androids in revenge for them killing his human girlfriend\u2014or something. To say the least, this is not exactly what I expected after looking at the DVD cover (see above image).<\/p>\n Nothing on that is in the movie. Seriously\u2014Nothing. No guy in a cloak, no Bronx, no Executioner, no half-nude silver demon man in denim jeans\u2014nothing. It\u2019s just one big consumer joke.<\/p>\n Even at 92 minutes, this film feels drawn out. Which is probably because it is. I lost count of how many times footage was inserted for no reason other than for something to show while a voiceover provided exposition and the number of times previously shown footage was lazily repeated time and again. It’s like in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, when Alice and Dan are trapped in Freddy’s nightmarish time loop and can’t escape doing the same thing over and over again\u2014only that was entertaining.<\/p>\n I think you get the point. But, if you recall, I said above \u201c\u2026one of the worst movies I\u2019ve ever had the pleasure<\/em><\/strong> of viewing\u201d and I meant that. This flick was hysterical. I laughed my nuts off, ladies and gentlemen. The voice \u201cacting\u201d alone was worth the five bucks I paid to have this piece of shit on my DVD shelf.\u00a0 Like a giant turd that snakes the toilet and that disgusting urge to show someone the marvel of your bowels before flushing it out of existence, this is one of those movies I\u2019ll revisit at least once or twice more, for the sake of conversation. So, as this movie will provide me with an odd sense of masochistic pride, as I will no doubt dupe others into watching it, I have to say it was oddly worth watching.<\/p>\n Outside of his name, that\u2019s all you really get to know about the guy. He simply isn\u2019t developed. Best I can give him is he shoots a handful of baddies at the end in a sequence straight out of a late-80s arcade rail-shooter. Oh and Gabriele does have some kick ass theme music that reminded me of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK\u2014for about 30 seconds.\u00a0 Then they just looped it and it didn\u2019t stop until just before the credits.<\/p>\n The Black Guy:<\/span> The head of the humanoids. He looks like a walking mountain, I\u2019ve seen him beat 20 androids into a pulp. It sounds strange to say this about a machine, but there is something human about Dakar.<\/strong><\/p>\n He\u2019s big, he\u2019s dumb, he\u2019s gay and he snaps necks with his fore-arm. There, I just spoiled the whole movie.<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to pinpoint exactly just how many people were killed, as like I said above, like a dog eating its own shit, they reused a ton of their own footage. Once I was able to discern just who the bad guys and the good guys were, I came out with an approximate 20 kills for the Good and around 40 for the Bad. 99% of which are bloodless shootings, but the good guys do manage to snap a couple necks, including that poor artificially intelligent doggie.<\/p>\n This one easily goes to some dumb skank that tries to flee the castle after Dakar and the humanoids attack. She makes it about 50 yards on a dirt bike before getting blasted by a shotgun, which magically sets her on fire.<\/p>\n Those flames you see to the right of the smoke are coming out of the android’s ass. Pretty cool, huh?<\/p>\n Well, despite all that bullshit about his escaped fuck-doll, Dakar is clearly a gay. He wears the shredded remains of a wife-beater (held together by suspenders), leather studded punk bracelets, a leather studded punk belt, leather army boots and a pair of Van Damme\u2019s pants from LIONHEART. Which don\u2019t fit him.<\/p>\n The guy looks like a bouncer for a back-alley night club. And then there\u2019s his voice. Picture Lenny from OF MICE AND MEN, only gay and trying to do his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. It\u2019s hysterical.<\/p>\n Dakar\u2019s female human love slave is captured by the opposing side, raped and shot. At least\u2014I think she was raped. Both the girl and her male attacker kept their pants on and fully zipped-up, so I can only assume that she was violated in some way do to the amount of crying and resistance she put up. Maybe the androids penetrate women through their bellybuttons, as her shirt was ripped and the guy was barely wearing one underneath his leather vest. Though I’m not sure, as I’m no doctor.<\/p>\n It’s almost like a rape dress rehearsal. Like they were filming the practice run and then just said, “Fuck it.\u00a0 We’re almost out of film.\u00a0 Good enough.”<\/p>\n Also, the “Rapist’s” bad guy buddies filmed his dirty deed and later they all sit around watching it for laughs. And it is somehow three times as long, which is odd. This also puts the Head Female Henchwoman, Margie, in the mood for topless groping.<\/p>\n I chose this sequence, as it made me laugh the hardest. I dare you not to chuckle…<\/p>\n [flashvideo filename=videos\/Bronx.wmv.FLV \/]<\/p>\n [The Head Female Android is asked if she loves her henchman, named Shark] Naturally.<\/p>\n Apparently android’s asses are filled with gasoline.<\/p>\n \n <\/strong><\/p>\n The Bronx Executioner (1989)\u00a0 \u00a9 Gala Film, Cannon Film Distributors and Brentwood Home Video<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Bronx Executioner a.k.a. Il giustiziere del Bronx (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~ [THE EXECUTION] The \u201cfilm\u201d is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn\u2019t take place in the … Read moreBronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1271],"class_list":["post-1302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-rantbo-breakdown-review-bronx-executioner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1302"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1302"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1302"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2002.jpg\")
<\/p>\nGabriele Gori is Sherriff James Crowley a.k.a. White-Man<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
Alex Vitale is Dakar<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
[THE BODY COUNT:<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong> 60ish & A DOBERMAN PINCHER]<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2003.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2005.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2006.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
EP-M:<\/span> Dakar Goes After His Woman<\/h3>\n
THE LINE:<\/span><\/h3>\n
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2007.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\u201cI only love death. Other people\u2019s death\u2014naturally.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2004.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[\u00a0 ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[\u00a0 ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[\u00a0 ] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/Bronx%20Executioner%2008.jpg\")
<\/p>\nMmm, Pretending Our Flesh Is Touching Get’s Me Sooo Hot!<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n