![\"The](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/rambo-movie-poster-parody.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Rambo comes out of retirement to kill again<\/a>, so that white christian women can continue to be foolhardy troublesome nitwits, without fear of being raped by brown people. Ah, FIRST BLOOD PART 4. Easily one of the best action films in the past 20 years. It\u2019s also the first Rambo movie I was old enough to go see in the theater. It was a great experience. This is the first time since January of \u201808 that I\u2019ve watched the entire film and to little surprise, I\u2019m still blown away by it\u2019s badassitude.<\/p>\n There\u2019s no helicopter, Trautman, bare-chestedness or Frank Stallone, but RAMBO makes up for all this by being one of the most overtly violent movies ever made.<\/p>\n It seems Rambo has been spending the last couple decades sulking in a shithole Thailand river village, catching snakes and avoiding malaria. He\u2019s on the verge of becoming a total washout. Thankfully though, a na\u00efve blonde with a carebear heart gives him a necklace and looks at him as though he wasn\u2019t a gorilla, giving Rambo the urge to better himself through a macabre massacre. It’s really quite romantic, when you think about it. And in the end, all it takes is the death of a few hundred people to make Rambo feel like an American again and come home to Arizona. We\u2019re glad to have you back, buddy. Now, maybe you can help us with this pesky illegal alien problem\u2026<\/p>\n As far as the politics, this time Rambo invades Burma, but only because Vietnam is still depleted of capable soldiers to be cannon fodder from the last time<\/a> he was there. It also makes the point that christains and peace core hippies alike are all nonsensical babble with no bawls. They teach the word of the bible, but when god ignores their prayers, it\u2019s stone-cold agnostic muscle that saves the day. And for all the faith the head crispy talks about having, he sure looked mighty scared when staring down the barrel of a gun. And it took little more than watching his buddy be crucified and fed to pigs* for him to compromise his precious virtues and kill or be killed. It makes a freethinking atheist like myself, for once, feel completely at home with a rightwing 80s style action film.<\/p>\n To me, this is easily THE most satisfying action flick since Reagan was in office and if you\u2019re a fan of badass cinema, or even a man in general, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.<\/p>\n *Even the Romans didn\u2019t have the gall to feed Jesus to pigs after nailing his ass to the cross. These Burmese soldiers are a savage bunch. With the death of Richard Crenna (RIP), there is no Col. Trautman, and subsequently no gratifying dialogue this time \u2018round, so I am forced to do this section all by myself.<\/p>\n Even though Rambo has been in Thailand these last 20 years, he has kept in shape. And by that I mean, he’s been downing HGH in shot glasses. Fuck-almighty, he\u2019s HUGE! This has to be the bulkiest Stallone has ever been. Has to be. The guys tits are bigger than Pam Andersons\u2019. And with the side-effect of \u2018roid shrunken huevos, Rambo has little else to do than keep busy with manly hobbies, such as: capturing cobra snakes with sticks, pounding on metal with a hammer and hunting fish. Note: I said \u2019hunting fish\u2019 not fishing, because fishing involves poles, nets and traps and Rambo uses none of these things. Rambo uses a fucking bow and arrow. Fishing with Granddad will never be the same again.<\/p>\n On top of being a more macho version of Jeremiah Johnson in Asia, Rambo also manages to eventually rack up the highest body count of the entire series. Not only for himself, but for the film as a whole. And RAMBO has the shortest running time of all four. Talk about bang for your buck.<\/p>\n Holy Fuck. Rambo himself makes up for his lack of gay by killing a whopping 81<\/a> Asians, 2 dogs and a fish. It\u2019s an orgy of blood. Body parts rain from the sky and thick ropes of blood and gore fly through the air like Spider-Man\u2019s webbing. It\u2019s glorious. And that\u2019s just Rambo. Team Mercenary and Team The Rebels rack up an estimated additional 43 filthy Burmese scum, and even the non-violence-preaching christian doctor smashes a guy\u2019s head in with a rock. Goooooo TEAM!<\/p>\n Not to be outdone (and they aren\u2019t) is Team Genocide. The evil Burmese soldiers slaughter an estimated 101 men, women and children. Most of whom are defenseless, crippled and innocent of any crime against the army. \u201cThey even killed the dogs\u201d*. Fucking Hell.<\/p>\n For shits and giggles I added up all of Rambo\u2019s confirmed kills for the first four films: *1 confirmed.<\/p>\n While the disembowelment of General Rapeskids is highly satisfying, it comes after one of the most gory sequences ever shot, thus leaving me desensitized a bit. I must have already cum a dozen times or so before his death, needless to say, I was pretty wargasmed out. So, I\u2019ll be going with Rambo tearing the would-be white woman rapist\u2019s throat out with his bare hand.<\/p>\n Rambo sneaks up on the poor bastard right as he is whipping out his 2 inches of hard dick to show Julie Benz. Thankfully, Rambo saves her virgin eyes the terror, just in time. Rambo eagle claws the little bastard\u2019s neck, Dalton-Style<\/a> and lets his fingers, ever-so-painfully sink-in, crushing the guy\u2019s larynx, before ripping out the whole front of his neck. It\u2019s fucking awesome. Unfortunately, Rambo discredits many of his formerly gay ways. Like a fat kid at the pool, Rambo refuses to remove his shirt, even once. He has also clearly stopped seeing his hairstylist. And the only time he touches other men is to end them in an incredibly grisly manner or to threaten them that he will, if they give him any shit.\u00a0 All these years of not killing have turned my lord and savior homosexually celibate. It\u2019s a god damn tragedy of no-war.<\/p>\n All hope is not lost though as, in a way, you could say that everything Rambo does in this picture is to keep Julie Benz from being raped (having sex). Hey, if aging white American beefcakes can\u2019t(won\u2019t) have sex with American women, NO ONE CAN! BAM BAM BAM BABABABABABA BAM BAM BAM!!!<\/p>\n Like I mentioned above, I believe Rambo\u2019s return to death and carnage is a metaphorical release of his pent-up homoerotic urges. Yes sir, every bullet Rambo sends shredding through another man, is one load of abstinent man-chowder that has been wasting away within his wrinkled war-torn ball sack these past twenty years.<\/p>\n Also,\u00a0 his knife has grown another 2 or so feet. The only word that comes to mind when thinking of him using it on another man: Wreckage<\/strong><\/span>.<\/p>\n I should also mention that Stallone made the villain of the picture a homosexual pedophile rapist.<\/p>\n As if participating in genocide wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 But when it comes to raping kids, the question as to what sex they are, kinda becomes irrelevant. I don\u2019t think the first word of slander against such a man would be \u201cFaggot!\u201d.<\/p>\n The kid does walk away from the off-screen ordeal, with nary-a-limp, but when you\u2019re bleeding from the ass, I have to assume that any other pains become secondary thought registries. But don\u2019t worry too much, my potentially queasy readers, Rambo shows this scum what it\u2019s like to have ones\u2019 belly penetrated by another man. Needless to say, I don\u2019t think General Pederast will be diddling anymore village boys in the future.<\/p>\n More than all previous films combined. Though, it\u2019s not nearly as fun to talk about. Most of the content is rape and humiliation at the hands of a filth-covered army of 4 foot hellions. Village girls are kidnapped, tortured, kept in cages and raped by dozens of soldiers. It\u2019s not pretty, and I don\u2019t really feel like trying to think up jokes about it. The fact that this shit is actually going on as I type this, kinda kills my funny bone. Doesn\u2019t get much more epic than the last twenty minutes. I\u2019m not going to spoil it, you just need to watch.<\/p>\n As Rambo only has about 5 or so lines in the movie, I am quite grateful that one of them happens to be the following\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cYou know where you are? (in the jungle, baby!?) What you\u2019re made of. War is in your blood–don\u2019t fight it. You didn\u2019t kill for your country–you killed for yourself. The gods are never going to make that go away. When you\u2019re pushed–killin’s as easy as breathing.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Rambo says this shit in self-monologue, to amp himself up for all the killing that needs to be done. And he says it while he\u2019s forging himself a giant machete. It doesn\u2019t get better than this, folks.<\/p>\n Even the most vehemently pacifist christian will kill, if it means his ass. And Julie Benz–WHAY hotter as a brunette.<\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n *This time it\u2019s in the form of a nightmare flashback sequence, featuring the scrapped original ending to FIRST BLOOD<\/a> where Rambo dies. RAMBO’S BACK… THIS TIME IT’S CLOTHED [THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Rambo (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo Rambo comes out of retirement to kill again, so that white christian women can continue to be foolhardy troublesome nitwits, without fear of being raped by brown people. [THE EXECUTION] Ah, FIRST BLOOD PART 4. Easily one of the best action films … Read moreRambo, First Blood: Episode IV – Rambo Lives For Something… Killing<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1292],"class_list":["post-1269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-rantbo-breakdown-review-rambo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1269","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1269"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1269\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"John](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2001.jpg\")
<\/p>\nSylvester Stallone<\/a> is Still, John J. Rambo<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
[THE BODY COUNT: APPROX. 226 PEOPLE, 3 DOGS AND 1 FISH]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n <\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Rambo](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2002.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
\n1 Chicken, 1 Fish, 1 Warthog, 5 Dogs and 288 Men. I\u2019m not sure, but I think that\u2019s more lives taken than by syphilis.<\/p>\n[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Pain](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2003.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"General](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2004.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"Need](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2005.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"A](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2006.jpg\")
<\/p>\n[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] <\/strong>Frank Stallone\/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music<\/strong>
\n [X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
\n[X] Shows Off Buffness
\n[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
\n[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling<\/strong><\/h3>\n[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n
[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[\u00a0 ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[X] Crotch Attack
\n[\u00a0 ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[\u00a0 ] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage*
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)**
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[X] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n <\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n**No, but there is an entire group of dumb-ass christians that think they are above Rambo\u2019s status. But they learn, oh how they learn.<\/p>\n![\"Ramblosion!\"](\"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/06\/Rambo%2007.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\u201cFuck The World\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"