{"id":1212,"date":"2009-06-10T23:21:28","date_gmt":"2009-06-11T05:21:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=1212"},"modified":"2009-06-10T23:21:28","modified_gmt":"2009-06-11T05:21:28","slug":"its-just-like-die-hard-but-it-is-wetter-under-the-siege","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/its-just-like-die-hard-but-it-is-wetter-under-the-siege\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Just Like Die Hard, But it is Wetter, Under The Siege"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h2>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Under Siege (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Die Hard<\/a> on a boat. Chef Seagal opens up a can of whoop-ass, serves up some dead terrorists and carves up Tommy Lee Jones like a thanksgiving soldier of fortune.<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

With the downtrodden hearts and minds of Action fans the world over starting to visibly show due to the barren two-year stretch without a new Die Hard sequel, Steven Seagal and director Andrew Davis decided that if Fox wasn’t going to keep their destructive ball consistently rolling, it was up to them to fill the void with the next best thing: A remake. OK, so not quite, but UNDER SIEGE’s story is so similar to the adventures of John McClane, it might as well have been called one. Not to say that this was in any way a bad thing. Far from it actually.<\/p>\n

Seagal is Casey Ryback, retired Navy SEAL and current cook for the USS Missouri battleship. On the eve of the ships official retirement from duty, which also happens to be the Captain’s birthday, a small army of terrorists (who are really exceptional thieves, masquerading as B-Day entertainers), lead by William Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones) and the turncoat first mate (Gary Busey), take control of the ship and it’s armament of nuclear warheads and with them, hold the country for ransom. So, guess what “unlikely” hero has to save the fuckin’ day?<\/p>\n

\"Team<\/p>\n

As I mentioned before Seagal reunites with Andrew David, the director of his break-out film ABOVE THE LAW, and combined with the proven Action formula of ‘one-man in an isolated place, takes on vast numbers of bad guys with limited resources’, made arguably the most successful and popular film of Seagal\u2019s career. And while I still prefer the more up-close and personal gritty cop movies that he did before going mainstream, UNDER SIEGE is easily the best of the Die Hard knock-offs and pure ship-kicking entertainment. The action is hardcore, unapologetic and totally Seagalian, but on a massive scale. Up to this point in his career, the stakes of his character’s badass endeavor had never been higher and as such an extra effort to one-up his previous performances was ever present. And all without the aid of his ponytail.<\/p>\n

Seagal has also never had an A-List actor as his nemesis. Sure, one could argue that Tommy Lee wasn’t “A-List” at this point, but I say, if you argue that, you can take a long walk off a short battleship fucko. ‘Cuz Lee sure as shit plays Stanix like he’s being paid in Oscar gold. And short of having Alan Rickman re-play the “Hans” role, it couldn’t have been better. Lee exhibits a crazy, wild-man energy that chews the scenery like a fuckin’ shark. He’s funny, twisted and when need be, deathly serious and always believable. And he has the always entertaining Gary Busey as his psychotic, assholish second in command.<\/p>\n

Only one thing really annoyed me in this movie, and subsequently kept it from getting a top score: he inclusion of a side-kick. And we aren’t talking a minimal role, like an Argyle or Officer Al, (that happens in part 2). No, they gave Ryback a dumb blonde bimbo to baby-sit: Erika Eleniak playing, essentially herself, Miss July \u201889.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Lawd Have Mercy! What a babe. Too bad she fuckin’ sucks. But, I\u2019ll talk about that more in the Exploitation and Misogyny section. So, while it\u2019s not the best entry in Steven\u2019s catalog, I will admit that this film is a arm-snapping good time and if you dig DIE HARD, you owe it to yourself to see this one. And part 2, that\u2019s a good one also.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Steven Seagal<\/a> is Navy Cook Casey Ryback<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s more than a good cook, you have no idea.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cRyback is an ex-SEAL\u2026 Expert in martial arts,\u00a0 explosives, weapons and tactics. Silver Star, Navy Cross, Purple Heart with cluster and security clearance revoked after Panama. That means he couldn\u2019t hold any ranking except that of a yeoman or a cook. How little did I know.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe had an extremely distinguished career until Panama, when most of his team was killed due to poor intelligence at the airport.\u201d
\n\u201cRyback\u2019s a warrior. He\u2019s the best there is. When he got back from Panama he punched out his officer in charge. Captain Adams took him on board Missouri as his personal cook so he could finish his 20.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThis guy\u2019s a pain in the ass!\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you hire this person? I don\u2019t know what his price would have been, but it would\u2019ve been worth it.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh, and to reiterate, he\u2019s played by Steven Seagal.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 100+]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Well, if you\u2019re going to straight up rip off DIE HARD, down to the jumping off of the \u201cbuilding\u201d to avoid a helicopter explosion, you better at least try and one-up it. And it\u2019s in the kill count that UNDER SIEGE provides. Seagal himself takes out 30 guys<\/a>, to McClane\u2019s 10<\/a> and even gets partial credit for blowing up a sub that contained at least 20-25 more. That\u2019s pretty fucking impressive. But the chaos and destruction doesn\u2019t end there. The Stranix Army manage to chalk up 46 sailors and SEALs, and Team Ryback racks up another 7 making the body count of the film over 100. Snap your arm, rip out your throat and eat your heart out, McClane.<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Stranix Gets His Comeuppance<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>\u2014And Then Some<\/span><\/h3>\n

After working his way up from the bowels of the ship, Seagal finally makes it to the top and Tommy Lee. Seagal allows Stranix to deliver his evil speech before kicking the gun from his hand. Who says Seagal is incapable of mercy? Then the knife fight of the century is on. The two exchange cuts for a minute or two, but then Seagal gets bored and decides to end it. First he gouges out Tommy\u2019s right eye with his thumb, then he shoves his knife into the top of his head\u2014to the hilt AND THEN shoves his head through a computer monitor. Effectively killing the corpse dead.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cKeep the faith, Strannix.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

First off, this movie takes place on a Navy boat full of sailors. I could stop right there, but for shits and giggles, I won\u2019t.<\/p>\n

During the first act, a guy named Q-Ball visits Seagal\u2019s kitchen and dances with Joey Six from THE SUBSTITUTE<\/a> to Snap\u2019s The Power. That\u2019s pretty gay. And then there\u2019s this\u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Yikes. You know that toy clown that comes to life and tries to strangle the buck-tooth kid in POLTERGEIST? Yeah, it\u2019s got nothing on the terror I feel when seeing Gary Busey in drag.<\/p>\n

But, other than that, this is a Seagal picture and much like Charlie Bronson<\/a> and Bruce Willis<\/a>, he\u2019s pretty not-gay. However, the moment Miss July \u201989 shows her tits, Seagal yells out, \u201cWhoa! Shut the music off!\u201d<\/strong><\/em> Which I believe to be but half the line\u2026 \u201cAre you trying to make me sick! This is a Naval Ship, Lady! Put those things away!\u201d<\/strong><\/em> Sure, it\u2019s a stretch, but it\u2019s the best I can do with Seagal. This guy just loves the pussy.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

<\/span>Miss July \u201889:<\/span> I am the girl. Why do I have to carry everything?
\nRyback:<\/span> Listen, I support women\u2019s lib, don\u2019t you?
\nMiss July \u201989:<\/span> Yeah, when it works in my favor.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Spoken like a true feminist.<\/p>\n

Jordan Tate. She\u2019s blonde, stupid, helpless, annoying and blonde. She’s 90s woman, listen to her complain. When she gets scared and starts to incoherently talk\/cry, Seagal yells at her, \u201cWhat kind of babbling bullshit is this!\u201d<\/strong><\/em>. He tires of her shit soon afterward and shuts her in a closet, but she protests by whining and crying even harder.<\/p>\n

Miss July \u201889:<\/span> I hate being alone~sob~
\nRyback:<\/span> Do you hate being dead?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is answered later on to the negative as she actively jumps head-first into every possible sure-death situation, leaving her pathetic life in the hands of a Seagal rescue, time and time again. I personally think she juts hates being around herself as much as everyone else does.<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

EP-M:<\/span><\/h3>\n

Toward the end of the film, Gary Busey and a crew are about to escape on a sub with a bunch of nuclear warheads in tow. Casey ain\u2019t havin\u2019 that shit. So, together with his small team of rescued sailors, Team Ryback open fire on the sub with some really large cannon thingy, that fires shells the size of garbage cans. On the second try, Seagal and crew make contact, effectively blowing up the sub, annihilating the crew and eviscerating Busey\u2019s traitorous, cross-dressing ass.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

THE LINE:<\/span><\/h3>\n

The best one-liner surprisingly doesn\u2019t belong to Seagal, but rather to Stranix when speaking with a former ally of his…<\/p>\n

Breaker:<\/span> Look, Bill, if this is about reliving the 60s, you can forget it, buddy. The movement is dead.
\nStrannix:<\/span> Yes, of course! Hence the name: movement. It moves a certain distance, then it stops. You see a revolution gets it\u2019s name by always coming back around in your FACE! You tried to kill me, you son-of-a-bitch\u2014so welcome to the revolution.<\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s not the size of the terrorist’s numbers on the ship that counts, it\u2019s the badassness of Seagal.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

[THE SYMPTOMS OF SEAGAL: 3 outta 5]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Background With Government Organization<\/strong>
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Performs An Overkill<\/strong>
\n [X] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Snaps A Bad Guy\u2019s Appendage<\/strong>
\n [\u00a0 ] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Speaks Another Language<\/strong>
\n [\u00a0 ] <\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong>Sports a Ponytail<\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]<\/span><\/h2>\n

[X] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[\u00a0 ] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[X] Unnecessary Sequel<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong> [Under Siege 2: Dark Territory<\/a>]<\/strong>
\n [\u00a0 ] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[X] Vigilante Justice*<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

*Miss July \u201889 takes out the 3rd highest baddy. And since she decided to actively participate in the goings on instead of staying hidden below (especially since she\u2019s not a sailor or terrorist), I\u2019ll count it.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

WE CAN DO IT! After the men teach us how to.<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

Under Siege (1992) <\/strong>\u00a9 Warner Brothers Pictures and Home Video<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Under Siege (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo Die Hard on a boat. Chef Seagal opens up a can of whoop-ass, serves up some dead terrorists and carves up Tommy Lee Jones like a thanksgiving soldier of fortune. [THE EXECUTION] With the downtrodden hearts and minds of Action fans the world over starting to visibly … Read moreIt’s Just Like Die Hard, But it is Wetter, Under The Siege<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1997],"class_list":["post-1212","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-under-siege-1992"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1212","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1212"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1212\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1212"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1212"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1212"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}