{"id":1021,"date":"2009-05-29T21:49:52","date_gmt":"2009-05-30T03:49:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allouttabubblegum.com\/main\/?p=1021"},"modified":"2009-05-29T21:49:52","modified_gmt":"2009-05-30T03:49:52","slug":"ooh-navy-seals","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/ooh-navy-seals\/","title":{"rendered":"Ooh, Navy SEALs!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/h2>\n

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Navy SEALs (1990): Breakdown by Rantbo<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Team of elite Air, Land and Semen kill terrorists. Are gay.<\/p>\n

[THE EXECUTION]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

This film was made for one reason and one reason only. To make some TOP GUN money. No clue if it succeeded financially (I highly doubt it), but the film definitely failed to touch the hearts and minds of the movie going public. This flick has become pretty much a joke, and after watching it a couple times now, I\u2019m a part of the punch line. But, I have no problem with it. Being part of the joke that is. As for the movie, I will say that I find it much more entertaining than TOP GUN, but it still doesn\u2019t do anything for me.<\/p>\n

Large portions of the film are extremely boring and filled with–well filler. With sub-plots featuring some reporter chick and a wedding interrupted, it was snoozeville. And the male-on-male military brother bullshit gets old and stale after the obligatory horsing around montage. The film runs an hour and fifty-three minutes and would have benefited greatly from a ninety minute cut-off.<\/p>\n

The action sequences are well shot, but for how many bullets are fired and how many people are involved in the shootouts, the body count should have been WAY higher. Most of the time you just end up watching a team of mostly nameless SEALs squeezing round after round, dumping clip after clip and never hitting anything but air. And the air isn\u2019t bleeding or exploding, so why should I care? This entry is mediocre at best, with it\u2019s only saving grace being God himself, Bill Paxton. Paxton plays Dane, a.k.a. God, the team\u2019s sniper. He sports a push-broom mustache and… He\u2019s Bill Paxton! I shouldn\u2019t have to explain this further. Watch this one, or don\u2019t. No big loss either way.<\/p>\n

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Sheen and Biehn (sounds like a sex act) are Hawkins and Curran<\/span><\/h3>\n

I really like both of these guys as actors, but how lame is it that Charlie Sheen out Bad-Asses Michael Biehn? \u2018Cuz he does, and that\u2019s sad. Sheen is the risk taker, the rebel and all-around party boy to Biehn\u2019s by-the-book, solemn leader type. They make a good couple, but their acts of bad-assness are few and far between. They both go into the heart of darkness with no fear, but they never really do much. Sheen does get a few kills and gave me a few laughs by acting like a crazy-asshole, but for the most part these two were pretty boring.<\/p>\n

[THE BODY COUNT: 40ish]
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The SEAL\/Terrorist kill ratio is almost 10 to 1. The SEALs manage to bag around 30 haters of freedom and Team Terror only manages to take out 3 of our boys and a Navy helicopter pilot. Not bad, considering they are mindless third-world scum. But then right at the end they manage to explode a bus with at least 5 of their own men in it. Thus making their score a -1. Stupid rag-heads. Except for God\u2019s kills, and the Helicopter pilot, (who is executed, point blank–Cherry Pie) it\u2019s pretty standard shoot-fall-down fare.<\/p>\n

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Gonna have to go with the all-mighty himself. While setting up his 50 caliber sniping rifle to free up his pinned down team, God catches the scent of a filthy back-stabbing brown fellow and turns, gun in hand, just in time to eviscerate the fucker at close range.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a miracle!<\/p>\n

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

When we first meet our crack squad of military elite, they are all pissed and half naked at a beach house with not a woman to be seen. It\u2019s the morning of one team member\u2019s wedding, The \u201cAre You In Good Hands?\u201d guy from the All-State commercials, and he is the only one sober enough to be contemplating the course of his mislead actions. All-State is worried that he may be making the wrong choice, which he thinks (as Charlie Sheen and I will soon agree with) is leaving behind his team for a woman and a life of heterosexual compromise. Charlie is having none of this sell-out bullshit and decides to bail on the festivities by jumping out of a moving jeep and over the side of a bridge into a river. And to me,\u00a0 he is the sensible one.\u00a0 I too would rather risk cracking open my skull and dying than take part in a fucking wedding. Spending valuable party\/sleeping\/doing anything else time watching a close friend profess his most intimate feelings for a woman AND expect me to dress-up AND bring a present!? Fuck that shit, I\u2019m with Chuck and Geronimo.<\/p>\n

The golf montage. Whew boy. While it doesn\u2019t quite put out the same amount of overtly homoerotic imagery as the Volleyball sequence in TOP GUN, it comes close. After making a bad judgment call that could lead to the death of millions, Biehn is told to take the guys out and relax while the government big wigs figure out how to un-screw the team\u2019s pooch. And what better way to un-wind than a rousing game of short-short-golf.\u00a0 Which is like put-put golf, but with everyone wearing short-shorts. Shirts optional.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The team doesn\u2019t so much play though, as simply drink beer and drive around in golf-carts canoodeling one another. Including, but not limited to, diddling Sheen\u2019s butt with a club while he is fucking around with his putts. All this is made extra super-hero gay by the fact that \u201cThe Boys Are Back In Town\u201d is playing over their shenanigans–the Bon Jovi cover. Fabulous! And then to cap it off, Sheen salutes Biehn and says, \u201cFellow cake eater.\u201d Now I wasn\u2019t positive, so I looked it up, and sure enough, the term \u2018cake eater\u2019 is slang for gay. Which is redundant, as he already saluted Biehn, which is the universal hand signal for \u2018I\u2019ll gurgle your sperm if you ask, SIR!\u2019 And the conversation continues:<\/p>\n

Sheen: [cracks a \u2018brain-grenade\u2019] \u201cWhat? Are you still thinking about Bad Guys?\u201d
\nBiehn: \u201cHeyeah. As a matter a-fact I am.
\nSheen: \u201cIt\u2019s old news, man–we go in there, we hit \u2018em and forget \u2018em. That\u2019s what we DO, right?\u201d
\nBiehn: \u201cThere\u2019s more to it than that.\u201d
\nSheen: \u201cLook! If you\u2019ve got a problem, do sumthin about it, you stick it out, but don\u2019t be afraid to get it cut off. That\u2019s what I always say! You get these emotions under control, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

And then there\u2019s this\u2026<\/p>\n

[flashvideo filename=videos\/NavyGay.wmv.FLV \/]<\/p>\n

The prosecution rests.<\/p>\n

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Well, it\u2019s now the nineties, so it\u2019s not too surprising that the women of this film are smart, professional and don\u2019t feel the need to boost male egos. But I won\u2019t lie and say I’m OK with it. The reporter does end up succumbing to Biehn\u2019s machismo, and beds him late in the movie. Solidifying that no matter how Rosie Riveter a professional female considers herself, it\u2019s only so long before they inevitably fall for a macho dickhead. NOTE: Sheen and Biehn were fighting at this point in the movie and on a trial separation, so this doesn\u2019t constitute as infidelity.<\/p>\n

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Every scene centered on God.<\/p>\n

As for the one-liner, have to go with something Chuck says.<\/p>\n

Sheen and another SEAL are facing a terrorist holding a woman at gun point and babbling about something in middle-easternese.<\/p>\n

Sheen:<\/span> \u201cWhat\u2019s he saying?\u201d
\nOther SEAL:<\/span> \u201cSomething about your mother.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Sheen:<\/span> [BANG!] \u201cNever–talk about Mom.\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]<\/strong><\/span><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

If you take all the gay from TOP GUN, move it to another branch of the military and put it in an action film, it still won\u2019t be very good. And even when on America\u2019s most elite team of ass-kickers, the black guy will still die first. Think of it as Action Affirmative.<\/p>\n

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

[\u00a0 ] Athlete(s) Turned \u201cActor\u201d
\n[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
\n[\u00a0 ] Crotch Attack
\n[\u00a0 ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is\/Are
\n[\u00a0 ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
\n[X] Factory\/Warehouse
\n[X] Giant Explosion(s)
\n[X] Heavy Artillery
\n[\u00a0 ] Improvised Weapon(s)
\n[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
\n[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Manly Embrace(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
\n[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
\n[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
\n[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
\n[X] Shoot Out(s) and\/or Sword Fight(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)\/Death(s)
\n[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)*
\n[X] Substance Usage and\/or Abuse
\n[\u00a0 ] Tis The Season
\n[\u00a0 ] Torture Sequence(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Unnecessary Sequel
\n[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
\n[\u00a0 ] Vigilante Justice<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

*I\u2019d say a bunch of them, as a reporter is able to find out more information on the mission than the whole of the U.S. Military.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

They want you, they want you. They want you as a new recruit.<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

NOTE: While the above picture is not from the movie, it was in the top 5 pictures to come up on google image search, when ‘navy seals’ was entered. A picture says a thousand lisp’d words, does it not?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE] Navy SEALs (1990): Breakdown by Rantbo Team of elite Air, Land and Semen kill terrorists. Are gay. [THE EXECUTION] This film was made for one reason and one reason only. To make some TOP GUN money. No clue if it succeeded financially (I highly doubt it), but the film definitely failed to touch … Read moreOoh, Navy SEALs!<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[1331],"class_list":["post-1021","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-rantbo-review-navy-seals"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1021","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1021"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1021\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1021"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1021"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/allouttabubblegum.com\/new-home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1021"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}