[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Beastmaster (1982): Breakdown by Rantbo

He-Man with less clothes, no guns and more animals.

[THE EXECUTION]

THE BEASTMASTER’s story is like a book of Mad Libs filled in by a demented 3rd grader during a detention for sneaking into the girl’s lockeroom…

Once upon a time there was a fetus that was kidnapped by a zombie-faced witch and put inside a cow. Then along came a man with the throwing blade from KRULL who saved the human-beast baby from being gutted like a fish. Years passed and the mutant cow man learned to kill shit, with the help of a spray-painted tiger and two gay rodents. The Beastmaster used his animal telepathy to seek revenge for his leather-daddy clan’s honor. And after setting a moat of liquid shit on fire, they lived happily ever after.

And I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should recommend this…

On one hand, this movie is an amazing achievement in powering through one of the worst ideas ever imagined. And on the other, you have to sit through it to understand hand one. This is one of those Awesome in it’s Awfulness entries and really reminded me of all those 90s TV shows like HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS and XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, only with more titties. In fact, if memory servers, I think this movie was actually created into a show like that. So, in a way, that’s kinda cool. But there is also a bunch of shit that just turned me off of the epic stupidity.

For one, this movie is fucking disgusting. There’s a race of Bat-Men that digest people in their wings, liquefying their prey into snot. Sick. There is a moat literally filled with liquid bubbling shit. Nasty. There are several young boys that are always naked except for thongs. Disturbing. There are a crew of butterface witches. Obscene. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s even a pregnant woman. It’s fucking gross. Even Tanya Roberts’ knockers couldn’t bring back my boner.

The ADR is atrocious. Every time an animal is shown on-screen (which is a lot, this IS Beastmaster, after all) they dubbed in stock noises of screeching, squeaking and roaring that really got on my fucking nerves. And it didn’t stop with the creatures. Any and all screaming was added in post, which made for awkward scenes of intended terror, as you hear the person screaming, but their mouths aren’t moving.

The fight sequences are pathetic. Even when they are shot well (which is 50/50), the choreography was clunky and laughable. And with how little clothing everyone was wearing, they sure seemed to act as though they were being bogged down by weights. Maybe in this realm the gravity is heavier. I don’t know, but it looked bad. I could keep going, but I think you get the point.

On the plus side of things, this movie could be considered a classic if placed in the comedy section of your local video store. All that crap that I mentioned above can be seen as a positive if you enjoy laughing at the failed efforts of gay sci-fi filmmaker nerds from the 80s. Which I do. And there you have it, my double-edged sword. Watching it now, almost 30 years after it was made, it excretes the charm of a movie made by a group of 9 yr/olds, one of whom happened to have some exotic pets roaming his back yard. So, if you dig Conan AND Masters of the Universe, and wonder what a combination of the two would look like if made by a few sexually confused children, wonder no more. Pick up THE BEASTMASTER and laugh your tits off.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster

Dar. Born of a cow, which gave unto him the power to telepathically link with animals. OK, so aside from the fact that this is fucking stupid, it takes away a bunch of opportunities in which Dar could kick ass, but instead leaves it up to his furry pals. He does his part, prancing around shirtless in his tiara and swinging around phallic extensions of his shrunken bronzed surfer schlong. Which again, is hilarious. So, it’s hard not to like the guy after putting on such an entertaining show—but he still sucks.

It’s hard to root too hard for a guy that’s willing to manipulate dumb women and then force himself upon them. I mean, would you champion for a fraternity guy who lets his pals beat up on his enemies and then repeatedly tries to date-rape the victim’s girlfriend? Not me. No, the true hero of the picture…

Kodo. A fucking rodent. The title of this movie should have been: THE FERRET KODO AND HIS MANSLAVE DAR.

[THE BODY COUNT: AROUND 80-90, I’D ESTIMATE]

The battle scenes are really hard to distinguish what’s going on, and how many are actually dying. I really didn’t feel like going over any of this movie’s sequences again and again to differentiate. Sorry. I came up with a rough count though.

I figure Dar kills between 12 and 20, Team Beastmaster gets in around another 20-25 and the bad guys rack up around 40. There are also 2 suicides and 2 animals die. This sounds gory and action packed, but it’s really not. Most of the deaths involved bloodless arrow wounds and gashless sword-cuts. It’s pretty lackluster and boring most of the time, thus I didn’t feel like being more accurate.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Dar defies his homosexual urges for but a minute to actually penetrate the belly of a woman. He does it with an actual sword, but I give him an A for effort, despite his inability to even pretend to enjoy it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“You trained Tal well… he already has the strongest right hand that any leader of men could want.”

Holy ball-sweat and baby-oil! We have a contender for gayest of all time. I think it’ll just be easier to make a list for this one.

-The main character’s name is Dar The Beastmaster. As if that’s not enough, he also wears a loin-cloth with leather straps, leather wrist bands, leather boots and a tiara. Nothing else.

Insert Joke Of Your Choice Here

-His friends are two ferrets that he carries around in a purse. And a spray painted tiger named Ruh.
-At one point, Dar climbs to the top of a peninsula, removes his leather straps and swings around a log. And I don’t know why? This is seemingly done for no rhyme or reason, but I have one theory and it rests with the duration, which lasts just long enough for an average wank. I think I know what you’re telling me movie…
-The King’s Guard wear leather-daddy bathing suits—and capes.
-Dar is raised by a tribe of sword-wielding loincloth enthusiasts, so if their actual dicks aren’t swinging around, their metaphorical ones are.
-Instead of shaking hands, men grab one-another’s biceps.

-There are these “men” called Death Knights that run around punching things in a wardrobe consisting (yet again) of spiked-leather leggings, spiked-leather gloves, a spiked-leather belt (with a leather thong, of course) and a leather gimp-mask. Nothing else. In fact, all the guys strip down to their underwear and leather straps before fighting. Even the 12 yr old. It’s creepy.

To sum up, every time you see a guy under 40, he’s half-naked, sporting leather, sweating and carrying something phallic. It’s really quite amazing that this isn’t filed under the soft-core porn section of video stores.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In the opening rape and pillage sack of Dar’s shanty-town, a woman gets her top (if you could call it that) torn off and she runs away with her mud covered titties flopping in the wind.

Later on, Dar takes an odd heterosexual interest in a topless Tanya Roberts and her lesbian swimming buddy. And shortly after, tries to rape her, but gets turned off by her whip scars (assuring us right there that he could never be straight). Then later, he only agrees to help the resistance if she offers herself to him. And this is our hero.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

After failing to sacrifice two children in a row, due to Dar’s hawk picking up the second one and flying off—don’t ask, Rip Torn stairs into the crowd of his un-willing followers dumbfounded. Not sure of what to say about what just happened (who would?), he decides to spin it.

“…You See!? Ar has spoken—he wants your children!”

The funniest part about this is, as soon as the line is spoken, there is one more pause of Rip Torn looking befuddled as if to further say, “Yeah, uh—yeah, you see THAT WAS, that uh, I mean to say—I KNEW that was going to happen!“ and then it cuts to another scene without showing if his audience bought it or not.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Mark Singer was born of a cow—Tanya Roberts, of a fox. Grrrowl.

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[ ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there are at least 3 in a pyramid.

Should We Be Watching This?