RAMBO’S BACK… THIS TIME IT’S CLOTHED
[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Rambo (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo
Rambo comes out of retirement to kill again, so that white christian women can continue to be foolhardy troublesome nitwits, without fear of being raped by brown people.
[THE EXECUTION]
Ah, FIRST BLOOD PART 4. Easily one of the best action films in the past 20 years. It’s also the first Rambo movie I was old enough to go see in the theater. It was a great experience. This is the first time since January of ‘08 that I’ve watched the entire film and to little surprise, I’m still blown away by it’s badassitude.
There’s no helicopter, Trautman, bare-chestedness or Frank Stallone, but RAMBO makes up for all this by being one of the most overtly violent movies ever made.
It seems Rambo has been spending the last couple decades sulking in a shithole Thailand river village, catching snakes and avoiding malaria. He’s on the verge of becoming a total washout. Thankfully though, a naïve blonde with a carebear heart gives him a necklace and looks at him as though he wasn’t a gorilla, giving Rambo the urge to better himself through a macabre massacre. It’s really quite romantic, when you think about it. And in the end, all it takes is the death of a few hundred people to make Rambo feel like an American again and come home to Arizona. We’re glad to have you back, buddy. Now, maybe you can help us with this pesky illegal alien problem…
As far as the politics, this time Rambo invades Burma, but only because Vietnam is still depleted of capable soldiers to be cannon fodder from the last time he was there. It also makes the point that christains and peace core hippies alike are all nonsensical babble with no bawls. They teach the word of the bible, but when god ignores their prayers, it’s stone-cold agnostic muscle that saves the day. And for all the faith the head crispy talks about having, he sure looked mighty scared when staring down the barrel of a gun. And it took little more than watching his buddy be crucified and fed to pigs* for him to compromise his precious virtues and kill or be killed. It makes a freethinking atheist like myself, for once, feel completely at home with a rightwing 80s style action film.
To me, this is easily THE most satisfying action flick since Reagan was in office and if you’re a fan of badass cinema, or even a man in general, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.
*Even the Romans didn’t have the gall to feed Jesus to pigs after nailing his ass to the cross. These Burmese soldiers are a savage bunch.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Sylvester Stallone is Still, John J. Rambo
With the death of Richard Crenna (RIP), there is no Col. Trautman, and subsequently no gratifying dialogue this time ‘round, so I am forced to do this section all by myself.
Even though Rambo has been in Thailand these last 20 years, he has kept in shape. And by that I mean, he’s been downing HGH in shot glasses. Fuck-almighty, he’s HUGE! This has to be the bulkiest Stallone has ever been. Has to be. The guys tits are bigger than Pam Andersons’. And with the side-effect of ‘roid shrunken huevos, Rambo has little else to do than keep busy with manly hobbies, such as: capturing cobra snakes with sticks, pounding on metal with a hammer and hunting fish. Note: I said ’hunting fish’ not fishing, because fishing involves poles, nets and traps and Rambo uses none of these things. Rambo uses a fucking bow and arrow. Fishing with Granddad will never be the same again.
On top of being a more macho version of Jeremiah Johnson in Asia, Rambo also manages to eventually rack up the highest body count of the entire series. Not only for himself, but for the film as a whole. And RAMBO has the shortest running time of all four. Talk about bang for your buck.
[THE BODY COUNT: APPROX. 226 PEOPLE, 3 DOGS AND 1 FISH]
Holy Fuck. Rambo himself makes up for his lack of gay by killing a whopping 81 Asians, 2 dogs and a fish. It’s an orgy of blood. Body parts rain from the sky and thick ropes of blood and gore fly through the air like Spider-Man’s webbing. It’s glorious. And that’s just Rambo. Team Mercenary and Team The Rebels rack up an estimated additional 43 filthy Burmese scum, and even the non-violence-preaching christian doctor smashes a guy’s head in with a rock. Goooooo TEAM!
Not to be outdone (and they aren’t) is Team Genocide. The evil Burmese soldiers slaughter an estimated 101 men, women and children. Most of whom are defenseless, crippled and innocent of any crime against the army. “They even killed the dogs”*. Fucking Hell.
For shits and giggles I added up all of Rambo’s confirmed kills for the first four films:
1 Chicken, 1 Fish, 1 Warthog, 5 Dogs and 288 Men. I’m not sure, but I think that’s more lives taken than by syphilis.
*1 confirmed.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
While the disembowelment of General Rapeskids is highly satisfying, it comes after one of the most gory sequences ever shot, thus leaving me desensitized a bit. I must have already cum a dozen times or so before his death, needless to say, I was pretty wargasmed out. So, I’ll be going with Rambo tearing the would-be white woman rapist’s throat out with his bare hand.
Rambo sneaks up on the poor bastard right as he is whipping out his 2 inches of hard dick to show Julie Benz. Thankfully, Rambo saves her virgin eyes the terror, just in time. Rambo eagle claws the little bastard’s neck, Dalton-Style and lets his fingers, ever-so-painfully sink-in, crushing the guy’s larynx, before ripping out the whole front of his neck. It’s fucking awesome.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Unfortunately, Rambo discredits many of his formerly gay ways. Like a fat kid at the pool, Rambo refuses to remove his shirt, even once. He has also clearly stopped seeing his hairstylist. And the only time he touches other men is to end them in an incredibly grisly manner or to threaten them that he will, if they give him any shit. All these years of not killing have turned my lord and savior homosexually celibate. It’s a god damn tragedy of no-war.
All hope is not lost though as, in a way, you could say that everything Rambo does in this picture is to keep Julie Benz from being raped (having sex). Hey, if aging white American beefcakes can’t(won’t) have sex with American women, NO ONE CAN! BAM BAM BAM BABABABABABA BAM BAM BAM!!!
Like I mentioned above, I believe Rambo’s return to death and carnage is a metaphorical release of his pent-up homoerotic urges. Yes sir, every bullet Rambo sends shredding through another man, is one load of abstinent man-chowder that has been wasting away within his wrinkled war-torn ball sack these past twenty years.
Also, his knife has grown another 2 or so feet. The only word that comes to mind when thinking of him using it on another man: Wreckage.
I should also mention that Stallone made the villain of the picture a homosexual pedophile rapist.
As if participating in genocide wasn’t enough. But when it comes to raping kids, the question as to what sex they are, kinda becomes irrelevant. I don’t think the first word of slander against such a man would be “Faggot!”.
The kid does walk away from the off-screen ordeal, with nary-a-limp, but when you’re bleeding from the ass, I have to assume that any other pains become secondary thought registries. But don’t worry too much, my potentially queasy readers, Rambo shows this scum what it’s like to have ones’ belly penetrated by another man. Needless to say, I don’t think General Pederast will be diddling anymore village boys in the future.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
More than all previous films combined. Though, it’s not nearly as fun to talk about. Most of the content is rape and humiliation at the hands of a filth-covered army of 4 foot hellions. Village girls are kidnapped, tortured, kept in cages and raped by dozens of soldiers. It’s not pretty, and I don’t really feel like trying to think up jokes about it. The fact that this shit is actually going on as I type this, kinda kills my funny bone.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Doesn’t get much more epic than the last twenty minutes. I’m not going to spoil it, you just need to watch.
As Rambo only has about 5 or so lines in the movie, I am quite grateful that one of them happens to be the following…
“You know where you are? (in the jungle, baby!?) What you’re made of. War is in your blood–don’t fight it. You didn’t kill for your country–you killed for yourself. The gods are never going to make that go away. When you’re pushed–killin’s as easy as breathing.”
Rambo says this shit in self-monologue, to amp himself up for all the killing that needs to be done. And he says it while he’s forging himself a giant machete. It doesn’t get better than this, folks.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Even the most vehemently pacifist christian will kill, if it means his ass. And Julie Benz–WHAY hotter as a brunette.
[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]
[ ] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling
[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[ ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[ ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[ ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage*
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)**
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
*This time it’s in the form of a nightmare flashback sequence, featuring the scrapped original ending to FIRST BLOOD where Rambo dies.
**No, but there is an entire group of dumb-ass christians that think they are above Rambo’s status. But they learn, oh how they learn.
