[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Rambo III (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo
Rambo ends the Cold War to save the man of his dreams.
[THE EXECUTION]
Rambo’s Back, Again…
and showing his pecks off to some little kids? Awkward… Anyways, this time, Rambo fights for love. After re-fighting Vietnam and tying up the score, Rambo moved to Thailand and got a fulltime job, sweating at a monastery. Col. Trautman and Clarence from ROBOCOP track him down though, and ask him to kill some more Russians for Uncle Sam. It has been a couple years now, so I guess the Russians could have managed to train more men to replace all the ones Rambo annihilated in ‘Nam, but I think this is one of those ‘grain of salt’ moments. Anyways, Rambo refuses, but when the only person he has ever trusted (read as “loved”), Trautman, is captured by the Reds, Rambo must remove his shirt once again and knock those commie bastards back to the stone age.
The political bullshit takes a new direction this time, but stays true to the “Fuck the Russians” theme of part II. Rambo goes to the aid of the men who would more or less become the Al-Qaeda. Of course, the filmmakers didn’t know what dicks the Afghan rebels would become, but looking back in post 9/11 America at how heroic the people are portrayed, it’s kind-of awkward.
Col. Trautman to Russian Commander: “You expect sympathy! You started this war and now you have to deal with it! You know there won’t be a victory! Every day your “War-Machines” lose ground to a bunch of poorly armed, poorly equipped freedom fighters! The fact is, that you underestimated your competition. If you had studied your history, you’d know that these people have never given up to anyone. They’d rather DIE than be slaves to an invading army. You can’t defeat a people like that. We [America] tried, we already HAD our Vietnam, and now–you’re going to have yours.”
Rebel Fighter to Rambo: “Afghan people fight hard. They never be defeated. Ancient enemy, make prayer about these people… it says, “May God deliver us from the venom of the cobra, the teeth of the tiger and the vengeance of the Afghan.” You understand what this means?”
“That you guys don’t take any shit.”
“Yes. Something like this.”
The funny thing is, is that right before this movie came out, the Cold War pretty much came to an end. Which blew away any chances of this movie being accepted by the general public. But I was 5 at the time this came out, so I have no opinion on any of the political bullshit that tainted this film’s release. I just see it as a classic tale of never-ending war and the men brave and stupid enough to get involved.
Any sense of reality in this series waved bye-bye long ago, and Rambo has officially become an army of one. He is un-fucking-stoppable. Seriously, someone entered the God Code for this chapter. Rambo runs around the hills of Afghanistan blowing shit up and slaughtering men on a judgment-day scale. It’s ludicrous, laughable and also amazingly entertaining. It’s probably my least favorite of the Rambo series, but for me, that’s like saying a blowjob from a beautiful woman is worse than a blowjob from two beautiful women.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Sylvester Stallone is Afghan Tourist John J. Rambo
“Let me tell you a story… There was a sculptor, and he found this stone. A special stone. He dragged it home and he worked on it for months, until he finally finished it. When he was ready, he showed it to his friends and they said he had created a great statue. And the sculptor said he hadn’t created anything, the statue was always there, he just cleared away the small pieces. We didn’t make [Rambo] this fighting machine, we just chipped away the rough edges.”
“Who is this terrorist!? What makes you so valuable to him! This bastard tried to destroy me tonight! But he failed! At sunrise I will hunt him down and have his skin hanging on the wall!”
“You don’t have to hunt him–he’ll find you.”
“Are you insane? One man against trained commandos–Who do you think this man is–God?”
“No, God would have mercy–he won’t.”
If that doesn’t have you convinced, at the end of the second act, Rambo takes a piece of shrapnel to his midsection. He runs around with it for few hours and then decides to push it out with his finger. The chunk of shit went all the way through his torso and to close the wound, Rambo pours gunpowder into the hole and cauterizes it with fire. He doesn’t even cry.
He then goes on to climb a 100 ft. rockwall with no gear, single-handedly rescues Trautman from a heavily guarded Russian camp and helps to slaughter an entire platoon of invading Commie commandos. You know, I don’t believe in deities. John J. Rambo is my lord and savior.
[THE BODY COUNT: 150, AT LEAST]
Rambo kills 76, outdoing himself this time by racking up an additional 6 men, ON TOP of the last film’s total. The evil commies come closer than anyone else ever has, or will to matching his carnage with an impressive 58 kills. A lot more kills could have taken place, but I was uncertain as there are many shots of women and children running away from or into explosions and we never see them again. Did they die? I’m not sure. I only counted the ones I saw hit the ground after a concussion blast or the ones that where clearly shot. Either way, all of da bad guys’ kills where against ill-equipped men and defenseless women and kids. Cowards. But, some of them do manage to fight back and I counted an additional 16 kills for Team Fuck The Russians. A good chunk of which was scored by Trautman and it was nice to finally see the old man get his hands dirty. Interesting tidbit, Kain told me that RAMBO III held the ‘Most Violent Movie Ever Made’ in the Guinness Book Of World Records, with 221 acts of violence, at least 70 explosions, and at least 150 on-screen kills. Yeah, this film is pretty cool.
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
After annihilating a dozen or so Spetsnaz soldiers, Rambo goes toe-to-toe with the Penultimate Villain in what could only be described as one of the gayest fights of all time. Rambo and the Russian duke it out exchanging punches and grunts until the comrade finally manages to get a hold of Rambo’s slippery sweat-soaked torso and proceeds to try and bear-hug him to death. He almost succeeds too, but Rambo wraps a rope around the fucker’s neck and pulls the pin on his grenade belt. The Russian tries futilely to remove the live one, but is unable to do so as Rambo roundhouse kicks him in the face, which sends him flying backward down a cavernous hole where first his neck snaps, then he explodes.
This Mother Fucker got STALLOWNED! Eat your overkilling heart out, Seagal.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Call Guinness back, we may have another world record. The whole plot of the film is Rambo going through Hell, killing dozens of Russians and earning 6 more scars all to rescue another man.
The film begins with Rambo stick-fighting another shirtless barbarian in a warehouse in Bangkok. Sounds like the setting of a porno scene to me!
Three things have happened since Rambo saved the American POWs; he put on 30lbs of more muscle, started seeing Bon Jovi’s hairstylist, and his knife grew another 4 inches. Further more, I believe that Rambo’s breasts are swollen with more than just lean muscle. I think that he had mammary glands installed to allow his nipples to lactate sweat like a faucet. Rambo is officially king of the gays. You can pretty much pause the film at any random interval and you’ll have yourself a screencap worthy of Playgirl magazine.
There aren’t really any more specific scenes to go on about here, you just have to see it to believe it.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
Well, unlike part one, there are several women actually shown in focus, but unlike part two, none of them have names or any effect on the plot. Nope, this movie is about men fighting for other men. Women and their vaginas are for peace-loving hippies and don’t belong on the battlefield with the likes of this machismo.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Zaysen: “Drop your weapons! Now! You have no chance of escape! Come forward! I wish to take you back alive! This is your last warning! The choice is yours!”
Trautman: “What do you say John?”
Rambo: [loads his grenade launcher] “Fuck ’em!”
The final action sequence is phenomenal. When faced with capture or certain death, Rambo and Trautman choose death. The ensuing battle is total kick-ass entertainment. And if, like me, you’ve ever wondered which would win in a one-on-one fight, a attack helicopter or a tank–wonder no more.
As for the one-liner:
Zaysen: “Who ARE YOU!”
Rambo: “Your worst nightmare.”
You don’t get much more badass than that.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
You fuck with Rambo’s man, he’ll shove a stick up your piss-hole, break it off and stab you with the rest of it.
[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 5 outta 5]
[X] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling
[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Rambo]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[ ] Vigilante Justice
