[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo

Texas Ranger drinks beer, kills filthy Mexicans and fights Caine from KUNG FU.

[THE EXECUTION]

If you see only one Chuck Norris film, see INVASION U.S.A.. If you see two, make sure the second one is THE HITMAN or I guess, LONE WOLF McQUADE. Which ever one your video store happens to have.

While not playing the same character (in name only), LONE WOLF McQUADE is the birth of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. The role of a glorified redneck policeman, so manly, one film could not contain the macho aspirations of Chuck’s ass-hugger jean-strangled libido. Oh no, it would take 9 seasons and over 200 episodes more of Texas Ranger gold to satisfy Norris’s fascist lust for backwoods power.

McQUADE is a surprisingly good (well, so BAD it’s good) action movie, especially considering it was made the same year the Ewoks dominated the hearts and minds of moviegoers. The film features multiple bloody shootouts, tons of patented Chuck Norris beatdowns, a bitchin’ chase sequence and according to Wikipedia, John Milius helped to write the screenplay (which explains a lot).

Some of the elements didn’t make for good memories though. The score for one. It’s like a mix between a 70s Morricone spaghetti-western composition and an 80s John Carpenter piece. Like pizza and oral sex, both are great when on their own, but together they just make a stinky sloppy mess. The other issue I have is the length. Sure the movie is under 2 hours, but for the story it had to tell, it shouldn’t have been longer than 90 minutes. These aren’t big problems, but they did keep me from having a consistent murder-boner.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Chuck Norris’s Actual Dick, Ladies–or Rather, Gentlemen.

Chuck Norris is Texas Ranger Jim “J.J.” McQuade

McQuade is essentially a macho 1980’s revision of Popeye The Sailor. Instead of trying to keep the Bruno character away from his woman, he’s trying to keep himself from fucking Bruno and instead of being a sailor, McQuade is an equally as gay cowboy.  Example: After being beaten and buried alive in his suped-up bronco, McQuade alleviates his weakened state and regains his God-like power by downing most of a can of beer and pouring the rest over his hairy face, equally hairy chest and even a little on the truck’s upholstery . Got that!? Beer is to Norris as Spinach is to Popeye! Fully recharged with rot-gut alcohol, McQuade is able to drive his truck out of a 15 foot hole in the ground, not only defying physics with the force of his power-drinking, but also managing to road-kill one of his would-be dispatchers upon topside re-entry. Fucking outstanding.

Also, if John Milius and Bill O’Reilly shared a home together, I can’t imagine it being more overtly manly and conservative (respectively) than McQuade’s shanty. It features it’s own shooting gallery, it’s own garbage dump (essentially anywhere, including the living room floor), and the fridge is stocked with NOTHING but generic brand beer. But that’s not all. It also has more firearms than a third-world country, more dead animals than a road-kill depository and more hunting trophies and patriotic decor than Ted Nugent and Kid Rock’s mansions combined. It’s the ultimate Right-Wingers palace. A fitting hacienda for the militant bad-ass it shelters. In fact, I bet that they just filmed it at Milius’s real life crib.

[THE BODY COUNT: 70ISH]

About 7 of the 70 are feds or policemen, but the rest are all dirty Mexicans and white-trash goons.  Oh, and a dog. Chuck himself wastes 26 of the evil bastardos, mostly with guns, but he also uses his truck, a grenade and flips a guy off a building. But, the real surprising guy here is Kayo, McQuade’s partner. That little fucker takes out AT least as many as Chuck, if not more. Quite surprising considering what a puss he was.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

It’s REALLY short, but I really dig this one kill Chuck does on a random guy. Trying to escape with his daughter and female love interest, McQuade is stopped on some stairs by a guy with a gun. Without missing a beat, Norris round-houses the stupid bastard AND blasts him with a shotgun before he even hit’s the ground. It was pretty sweet.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Norris struts around bare-chested for most of the film, including a sequence of shirtless weapon discharging, while sweatily rolling around in the dirt, whilst being spied on by wanna-be Cub, Kayo ‘The Greaser’ Ramos. So that’s more than average right there. But oh, there is more…

At one point, Chuck and his boyfriend Dakota are discussing what it might be like to actually have a relationship with a woman when God intervenes and put’s McQuade’s daughter’s life in peril. That’s what happens when you entertain thoughts not permitted by the Gods of 80s action. This trend continues throughout the film as every time McQuade meets with a lady, someone he loves is beaten and/or killed. His daughter, her boyfriend, McQuade’s boyfriend, his female love-interest herself and shit, even his dog. This is the 1980’s Chuck, dicks DO NOT belong inside women. They belong in your pants or in another man’s ass. Don’t forget it, or the offspring of your past transgression shall be forfeit to join your dog, your lady friend and your male-lover in Hell.

No–NO! I LIKE WOMEN! I LIKE WOMEN!!!

McQuade does end up kissing the aforementioned woman, several times, but he always does it with a closed mouth, much the same way a gay man would kiss a woman he was friends with to say hello. And it never goes further than this, at least on-screen. He might have touched a boob to warrant the death of so many of his loved ones, but it was never shown. Maybe it was cut out of the final print to make the Gods seem just a little more strict and imposing. But sadly, there is no director’s commentary to verify my assumptions.

Aside from all that, LONE WOLF manages to have some of the most (in quantity and quality) homoerotically suggestive dialogue I’ve ever heard. Examples…

McQuade: What are you doing here?
Kayo: I came to wake you up–I’m your new partner, remember?

McQuade: Supercharge THIS!

Wilkes: I understand you’re VERY good with your hands and feet?
McQuade: Pretty good…

Kayo: You’re making a real habit of saving my ass…
McQuade: You take a good punch kid.
Dakota: Now I’ll take Ol’ Hamburger Face home and patch ‘im up!

Dakota: [Staring At McQuade’s Dick] Can I borrow that contraption?…~wink~ (SERIOUSLY!!!)

Midget: [Holding Up His Gun(Penis)] As you can see, mine’s bigger!
McQuade: [Cocks His Hammer Back] Mine’s Loaded.

Midget: …I will enjoy watching the game.
McQuade: It may be a game to you Falcon, but if I find out you’re playing, I’m gonna have your little ass.

Dakota: [To Kayo] You’re going to have a marvelous hand, an excellent hand, unfortunately it’s going to be slightly inferior to mine–but you are GOING to like it!

Wilkes: [Ripping Off A Piece Of McQuade’s Shirt] Something to remember you by.

Shirtless Redneck: Remember ME, Greaser?
Kayo: Yeah, I never forget an asshole.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

As I mentioned above, every time a woman tries to take a man away from hanging out with other men, she is either attacked or killed. McQuade’s daughter does end up escaping being raped, but she is shot in the leg by some filthy brown fellow and punched in the face by Wilkes. And McQuade’s female love interest is shot in the gut a minute or two before the end of the film, making it seem almost tacked on as an after thought. I can imagine the filmmakers discussion on the matter… “You know, if she lives, everyone will assume that McQuade makes a life with her now that Dakota is gone… –“Hmmm, well–shoot her in the stomach then. Just make sure Chuck is greased up and looking foxy!” Take that, evil vagina!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Most of the kills in this movie are just run-of-the-mill shoot and fall-down in the dirt. And I don’t quite know about this being so much satisfying, as I kinda liked the gay old bastard, but Dakota meets his maker by way of Carradine’s character crushing his throat with his foot. ~CRUNCH~ Regardless of whether he had it coming or not, it was pretty cool.

As for the one-liner–Jesus, this film didn’t have shit. Sure, there are tons of quotable gay-dialogue, but nothing really jumped out as bad-ass in this one. Norris has always been rather weak when it comes to verbally emasculating his victims. But, if I have to pick one, I guess I’ll go with the “little ass” line I listed above. If for nothing else it makes me think of Chuck fucking a disabled midget in the ass against his will. And that’s funny.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Everything’s bigger in Texas–especially the Bears.

[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 5 outta 5]

MINE’S LOADED.

[X] Facial Hair
[X] Jumps/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
[X] Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face
[X] Shows Off His Hairy Chest
[X] Sports Some Cowboy Getup

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

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Lone Wolf McQuade rights held by MGM/UA.