GUN: The Movie

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[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Equalizer 2000 [The Cut-To-Shit U.S. Version] (1986): Breakdown by Rantbo

The story of a gun, with a half-assed sub-plot about the asshole that fires it the most.

[THE EXECUTION]

“North Alaska—a hundred years after the nuclear winter. The dense nuclear waste that used to girdle the planet has been burned away by the blistering relentless sun. And what used to be a snow-bound earth, is nothing but a scorched and aired desert. The north slope is controlled by a military government, that calls itself the Ownership. The oil fields of Point Barrow, the source of its power—but a weather wind, is rising.”

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The film opens with what ever the fuck that was supposed to mean and almost immediately afterward jumps to a spectacular casualty-free (well, almost) shootout sequence in the middle of the barren post-apocalyptic land of Alaska. Played by Eastern California. Wherever the true filming location, it’s a land free of grass, so you know mankind must have fucked mother nature in the crater, long and hard.

With no easily discernible narrative, I was left to assume that the main character of this art house classic, was this Chuck Norris-esque looking gay-wad named Slade. A lone badass caught between two warring factions of fascist Nazi douche-bags and Mountain Men dressed as Native Americans.

Best I can tell,  it’s up to Slade and a giant make-shift gun called the Equalizer 2000 to save a group of rebels lead by a female porn star and an aging drag-queen. For some reason there are also a fleet of soldiers dressed in spray-painted football gear, a tribe of rampaging Mexicans pretending to be Indians and Robert Patrick as an American Civil War vet… So, this movie has quite a bit going for it.

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EQUALIZER 200 is essentially 75 minutes of people shooting machine guns into dirt and 1 minute of soft-core homoerotic porn. So, all-in-all, it’s not that bad. The title gun (I just realized that might be the only time I get to type that and have it be true) is truly a sight to behold, and lends itself well to long epic shots of the film’s hero hugging it to his bare chest, caressing it like a kitten and firing it as though it were an extension his dick.

What’s not to love about that? Also, the music and sound effects are surprisingly bad-fucking-ass, which is good as the whole movie involves nothing but shooting and driving around in cars, whilst shooting. I honestly believe the action score could give Contra a run-and-gun for it’s money. As for everything else— there isn’t. It’s just a bunch of sexually confused looking men shooting at one another and a big-chested bimbo strutting around for good measure. And I totally recommend it, I had a blast. Good luck finding a reasonably priced copy though, should you choose to pursue watching it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

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Richard Norton is Slade the Sand Chopper (Because It Sounds Cool, That’s Why!)

I’m struggling right now to remember if this guy even talked in the movie… I seem to remember him shouting “Shit!” at one point, but I think it was just a declarative statement about Norton’s predicament of trying to emote. But that would be snobbish of me to use against him. Slade is shirtless, muscley, looks kick-ass shooting a gun, rocks a bitchin’ beard and “acts” by staring blankly into the middle-distance. And for this movie, it’s more than I could have asked for.

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Chunk of Plastic is Equalizer 2000

“We’ve come up against a formidable piece of iron. It’s a recombinant automatic, sitting on top of a portable cannon. It—it’ll stop anything.”

Look at that monster! This fucker has 6 barrels, count ‘em. The bottom two fire, what I believe to be shotgun shells. The lower-middle one grenades. The upper-middle is a machine gun. And the top two fire ky jelly and baby oil. And it never runs out of ammunition. Ever. If Equalizer had had legs, this movie wouldn’t have needed Norton at all.

[THE BODY COUNT: 100+]

Don’t let the high numbers fool ya, only 5 of the deaths actually featured squibs. However, I did appreciate that there were at least 7 men engulfed in flame at separate moments, running around punching their own heads trying to put the fire out. That was pretty sweet.  Slade himself gets in a satisfying 28ish, while the rest are up in the air. It’s nearly impossible trying to tell the warring sides apart, and with the exception of a couple key characters, it doesn’t matter anyways. Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Boom-Boom, men fall down, repeat.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Hasta La Vista, Deke

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Robert Patrick takes an impressive 20+ bullets to the torso, a la Equalizer and is left smoking in the dirt.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Old Gay Guy: “We can’t hold, we’re gunna havta pull out!”
Slade: “Alright go! I’ll cover ya!”

Q. What’s gayer than a shirtless man?
A. A shirtless man in a leather vest.

Q. What’s gayer than a shirtless man in a leather vest?
A. Slather that same man in dudesweat and extra virgin olive oil and put him in a montage using power tools crafting a dildo attachment for his gun that he fondles like a little kid discovering his penis for the first time.

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Then have him use it to eviscerate other gayly dressed men. Thus is EQUALIZER 2000.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Tits-McGee (Corinne Wahl) isn’t exactly suited for acting outside of bargain-barrel grab-bag porn, so the fact that they cast her in a role involving dialogue outside of “Stick it in my tight pussy!” and “OHhhh, FUCK Yeah!” is nothing short of a full motion back-hand to the entire female species.

And, of course,  she gets kidnapped. As does the gun. Three guesses as to which one takes precedence. [Hint: It’s not the girl] Later, after Slade inadvertently saves her from being raped by Robert Patrick, she asks him why he came back to save her. And Slade just stares at her, completely befuddled. It’s never said, but made perfectly clear, saving the wench was a happenstance, as Slade was simply out to rescue Equalizer. After about 20 seconds of looking dumbfounded, he just grabs her and sits her on his lap. Taking this as a cue, she forgets about the question and kisses him. Whew! That was close!

And, it gets better. During the final assault, Tits rushes to Slade’s aid and in a half a second (no joke) is shot and presumably dies, because she is NEVER seen nor spoken of again. And this is the second lead character! She just drops out of frame and poof! Thanks for playing!

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[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

[flashvideo filename=videos/EqualizerBlow.wmv.FLV /]

Copyright: Concorde Pictures (Equalizer 2000)/Warner Brothers Pictures (Demolition Man)

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

The more BadAss the poster, the more horrifically ‘B’ the movie.

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[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Richard Norton]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are*
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*It’s in reference to the gun, but I’ll count it.

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How could they have this chick in their shitty B Sci-Fi movie and NOT have her show her tits?

She was a Penthouse Pet of the Year, for Christ sakes!