Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991): Breakdown by Rantbo
Beastmaster travels through a portal not of time (as the title would have you believe), but of California State stock footage in order to save a bimbo and stop a brother he never knew he had from stealing a neutron detonator. Seriously.
Since the fall of Rip Torn, Dar has been leading some rebels in a fight against tyranny and oppression, and getting sentenced to death for it—blah-blah-blah. The next thing we know, he’s hanging out in some marshlands when he meets the evil butt-baby of Swamp-Thing and Predator.
Turns out it’s his aunt. Duh, of course! And she informs Dar that he has an evil older brother that must be destroyed before the next equinox, or the world will come to an end. Then Swamp-Aunt walks off to die for no explained reason. And I didn’t leave anything out. That’s how the plot is delivered. Oh, and one other thing worth mentioning, this all has to go down in early 90s Los Angeles. I’m guessing because it was cheaper than filming the whole thing in the desert.
Marc Singer returns as the title beefcake, and he’s just as creepy and ill-suited for a lead role as he was 10 years prior. I’d almost feel sorry for the guy, but he brought this upon himself. He swings his sword and caws like a jackass in-between bouts of blank stares and poor dialogue, which reassures us that this is most definitely another Beastmaster flick.
However, the real star of this shit-bomb is the villain…
Arklon The Beastmaster’s Older Brother (Wings Hauser) is even more hysterical than his name already suggested he would be. The guy prances around in leather leggings and football shoulder pads zapping people with a combination glow-stick/sex-toy and praising himself in the third person. “He who defies Arklon, will be DESTROYED by Arklon!” Well said, Arklon. He has all the best lines and truly sets himself above the rest in actually making his intentional humorous jokes funny.
That said, this movie was fuck pie. An almost totally unwatchable shit storm of mediocre action and terrible story. It’s only watchable for those special few born with a sick sense of humor and a love for obscure ‘B’ action movies. So, I kind of dug it. It’s certainly funnier than part one, and quite a bit of it was intentional. I recommend watching this only if, like me, you enjoy your cheese smothered in gay and with a side order of Uncle Phil.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster 2
While he is still as ripped and tan as an 18 year old beach bum, Singer’s head looks like it was aged in a microwave. His hair is still fabulous though. And crimped. Yet, once again, it is Dar’s animal buddies that do all the difficult fighting. You could argue that he is willing them to do his bidding, but that’s bullshit as he constantly calls them “My friends!”, and this guy is way too thick headed to be using anyone, be it animal, mineral or vegetable. So, the real heroes are once again; his tiger, Ruh (who got a fur transplant since last we saw him) and the weasel-rats, Kodo and Podo. Yes, even though he is dead, Kodo wasn’t about to miss this craptasterpiece! Oh, and a hawk that looks nothing like the old one, fills in as Skreech or Skwa or whatever the fuck its name was. Continuity is overrated anyways.
Aside from avoiding all the really dangerous stuff, Dar does do some pretty impressive sword handling, that I’m sure he practiced really hard for the day of the shoot. And they even cut his scenes well enough to make it look like he was capable of harming someone other than himself. But in the end, it was too little too late to salvage any kind of badassitude. Dar is a dink.
Kari Wuhrer is Jackie Trent
And I seriously didn’t think her acting could have ever been worse than THE HITCHER II: I’VE BEEN WAITING. That’ll teach me for expecting more. You would think that do to her flawless good looks, she would be easy to like, but the filmmakers decided to make it a challenge. One not to be taken by the faint of rage. Picture, if you will, one of the female characters from the original 90210, trying to become a stand-up comedian. That’s pretty much Jackie. Her constant bad jokes don’t make her funny, but the fact that she thinks they do, make her a comedic genius, to an almost Andy Kaufman-esque degree. Annoying though she most definitely was, I still liked Jackie for this reason. And ‘cuz she’s more fuckable than an gym-sock on laundry day.
[THE BODY COUNT: SOMETHING LIKE 20]
Some of them are hard to tell, as the biggest death sequence occurs when a bunch of boulders (that are clearly made of something safe and non-threatening), are flying into and on top of a bunch of Middle-Eastern rebels. They act as though they are dying, but rocks don’t bounce off your body like dodge balls, so I have to assume that they were made poisonous to the touch with magic, or some other fantasy bullshit.
As for the rest, there are a few cool looking deaths by arrows and green laser blasts, but all-in-all this was a pretty disappointing venture after the plethora of carnage in part one. With the exception of the following two…
[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]
I’m a little bit torn between the guy that gets mauled to death by a tiger and the guy whose head is set on fire from a laser, sending him backwards off his horse.
Eh, it’s a tie.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
“My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”
Beastmaster traveling to L.A.—is about the gayest scenario imaginable. And he still spends his days frolicking around sand dunes with his animal companions in nothing but a few scraps of leather and a smile. But, oddly enough, this film isn’t even half as gay as the last. Dar doesn’t so much as grasp biceps with another man and he alone is half naked, as opposed to every man and child.
However, the final fight does occur in a flame encircled animal circus pit, complete with strobe-lights.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
To Reiterate, “My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”
Women aren’t so much objectified this time around, as they are shown to be sluts and morons. Sarah Douglas continues her ‘Evil Cunt Of The 80s’ role as a Swhoreceress that first tries to aid Arklon in blowing shit up neutronically, but then decides that she’d much prefer to stay in our world and become a trophy wife. Again, seriously.
Then there is little Miss Rich Bitch, Jackie. Vapid, obnoxious AND stupid. She’s a trifecta of suck. Be still my beating heart. And women wonder why they don’t get taken seriously as actors.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
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[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Kari Wuhrer’s acting “stinks worse than a dead iguana.” But how about them titties!
[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]
[ ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[ ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[ ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[ ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
Ow! I Got Another One Of Those Headaches With Pictures…
Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time (1991) © Films 21 and Republic Pictures