10 Biggest Turkeys Of 2014
*Editor’s note: This was a fun submission, coming from AOBG forum user H83tr3d. I haven’t seen half of these and probably still won’t. Here’s to 2014’s biggest stinkers.
Well, it’s been a great year for movies and overall left a fine impression on yours truly. Sadly, there was a great amount of unbearable crap as well. I present to you the definitive collection of 2014’s crimes against celluloid that will haunt me for some time, if not forever.
I guess I might as well go up to 11, just so to break the ‘it has to be exactly ten’ cliche. I was so desperate for a vampire/werewolf genre rebirth in the long should’ve been dead by now Twilight hype, I grabbed the first thing that had fur and 2014 on the DVD cover in vain hope it is an improvement to my already low expectations. But, alas, the happiness continues to elude me. A pre DC Momoa and post X Men Till are thrown together in this lackluster teenage drama crapfest mixed with a poor excuse for a plot and zero fuck to give. Even the mighty McHattie has trouble keeping the pace and has but a shred of a charisma. And the costumes… *Shudders* I saw thrown together carpet samples that looked more convincing.
10. The Legend Of Hercules
This has probably reached the apex of many ‘Worst of 2014’ list by this time, but in my book, this is so bad that it’s barely worth even mentioning it on any list whatsoever. I literally think this entire film was stolen from a pre-school, low-tier documentary screening. I’ve seen BBC dramatizations lasting 45 minutes tops with better casting, editing, effects, everything. How the fuck do you go from Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger to THIS?!
Let’s all just be brutally honest here. Melissa McCarthy is a female response to Adam Sandler. It’s that fucking obvious. There’s really no middle ground even if you try to find it. Never in my whole life have I’ve seen performance worthy of a full blown contempt. I fucking hate Tammy; the character, the script, the film. It’s that fucking bad.
8. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Oh, Sony, Sony, Sony… When will you ever learn? People are sick and fucking tired of you. You, the company in general. How? How do you fuck this one up so badly? You had everything going for you. Fat checks from Marvel. Fans to hold your back. Great cast. And you still fucked it up. How did Marvel not revoke your filming rights by now? How are you not filing Chapter 11 yet? Don’t even bother with the franchise anymore. Just have Disney bring back Maguire. Even that is better than anything Sony has to offer.
7. Transformers: Age Of Extinction
Ah, fuck you Michael Bay! Fuck you omnidirectionally! You have the fucking audacity to jerk out an even bigger horseshit than Revenge Of The Fallen? Fuck every single undeserving dollar you earned with this blight. Good luck trying to look at yourself in the mirror in the future cause all you’ll see on the opposite side is a soulless cash grabbing douche with zero esteem. Fuck You!
6. The Expendables 3
Egads! This wasn’t a ‘horrible miscalculation’, Sly. This was ‘Stop fucking around with our time, money and patience. Sincerely, the fans.’. There is so much wrong with this one I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Completely diminished Snipes comeback. Gibson not allowed to vent out his accumulated wrath. Crews thrown into back seat. Li fished out of a pickle jar at the 11th hour. Harrison Ford phoning it in between SWVII filming. No Willis. No Rourke. No Seagal. No hope in the future of the franchise.
OK, Hollywood, I get it. I understand, chill. Remakes/Reboots/Reimaginings are sometimes needed/necessary. Could you just please stop doing it terribly? This is a whole new level of lame. There has got to be some colossal reason this isn’t a total piece of shit and hence higher on my list, which doesn’t excuse it’s overall poor quality in terms of representation. OK, a bit off topic here for a moment; Hollywood execs, writers, producers, directors, etc., are you listening? Grab a paper block and a pen. You ready? Here goes.
STOP FUCKING WATERING DOWN THE FUCKING SOURCE MATERIAL!!!
I don’t give a flying fuck about your ever desperate ‘company said tone it down to achieve a marketable rating’ maneuver. Grow a pair. Stay true to the fucking form. Look how good Dredd turned out. They don’t give a fuck that their film didn’t draw anywhere near the cash studio wanted. They didn’t do it for fucking money. Take Keaton’s sound advice, don’t by this for a dollar.
4. A Million Ways To Die In The West
*Sigh* Sorry, Seth, sorry. I guess that TV to theater business backfires every now and then. Don’t take this shit seriously. EVER! It’s not worth it. At all. I saw YouTube clips lasting 30 seconds tops that had a better plot. This is 2014’s Movie 43 minus half the cast/directors. Also, Liam Neeson is in this movie. Who knew.
A really, really bad taste in my mouth; that’s what I get every time I force myself to watch this shlock. I really don’t get David Ayer lately (before you guys jump me, I’ll give the bloke some cred, he does bounce forward a notch with Fury). It’s almost as if though it’s his mission in life to make a career full of movies everybody hates. Arnold’s single greatest attempt at portraying a human being for a change is marred by unrelated and undeserved murderous mayhem. A total downer and melancholic letdown with zero to no redeeming points. There is absolutely nobody in the film I can relate to, let alone get on his/her’s side. Quite literally everyone of them gets fucked over in the end and rightfully so. DEA should fucking sue.
2. The Prince
‘Bruce Willis phoning it in’ is really not a surprise term to anyone these days. But why in the flying fuck is John Cusack in this crapfest? A Taken rip-off at the time when people couldn’t be more sick and tired of the genre. Jason ‘Long Past His Prime To Be An Action Star’ Patric unenthusiastically shooting a conveyor belt of incompetent henchmen (seriously, I’m so bewildered by their stupidity that I’m utterly shocked they didn’t end up shooting themselves in femoral arteries), a bunch of uninteresting second rate characters no one could possibly relate to and downright anticlimactic finale that almost completely destroyed Rain’s US debut. Which only leads me to fear for Tony Jaa’s future.
1. Left Behind
I… I’m speechless. I genuinely think this is the end of Nic’s career. And he’s Marlon Brando compared to the rest of the cast in this clusterfuck. I mean, shit, just look at this poster.
Cage’s ‘What The Fuck Am I Doing?’ face says it all. I cannot believe that there are entire churches of people who still swear by this movie. You thought Kirk Cameron (the star of the original TV ‘classic’) was detrimental to the ever desperate ‘Christianity’s still relevant’ movement? Even he had a sufficient amount of pretense dignity to confine his opus of fundamentalist zealotry to a small screen. This… thing has the audacity of being marketed as ‘a film that will bring you closer to God’ and received a full blown(out of proportions) theatrical release. The acting is appalling to say the least. The script is a writhing heap of haphazardly slapped together gibberish. The effects are hardly worthy of a mid school science project quality. Don’t even get me started on the ‘open ending’. Why? Why does this movie exist? Why do the fucking books exist? Who was stupid enough to think this was needed on printed negative?
Nic, please, get your shit together. There is absolutely no reason for you to be in everything every year. Please, think at least 20 times over when auditioning. Then take another 40. Take a year off screening. Fire your agent. FOR FUCKS SAKE, DON’T GO OUT LIKE THIS !!!